How to Have Sex
TMI: Naughty or Nice?
The answer: Give me vanilla. Give me kink. Give me a little pain, but whatever you do, don’t call me naughty.
I hate the word “naughty” just about as much as I hate the word “dirty”. My regular readers know that I might fit both of the colloquial definitions of those words in regard to my sexual preferences and play, but I’m here to say that those words have no place in my sex life.
I’m in love with kink and all manner of fetishes. I think that people are fabulously diverse and I drip to know what makes their hair stand on end with pleasure. Especially when that “thing”, whatever it is, is “weird”.
It may not be a surprise that I don’t like that word either: “weird”. I don’t love the word “deviant” when it is used to belittle or ostracize the preferences of others.
All of these words are patronizing. Just as it is in my power to use words like ravishing instead of beautiful, I have the power to use better words than dirty, naughty, weird, and deviant. And I’m going to use those better words to get the most out of sex for myself and for others.
Using “naughty” and “dirty”
In my book, being called a “dirty girl” feels the same as being called a slut. It kills the mood in two words. The only time it is appropriate to use the word “dirty” without consent is when it is not being used to describe another person.
Take this example:
If someone says, “I want you to talk dirty to me,” that’s okay because they’re not calling their partner something they may not like.
It may be cause for pause if dirty talk is not practiced often or if it’s a hard or soft limit, but this kind of communication gets an A+ from me because it is a request for a particular desire.
Requesting like this is communication — the type of communication that leads to the best kind of bedroom bliss. How else will a person know my body’s secret pleasures if I do not tell them or ask for what I want?
The important thing is that I have not been cornered by another person’s definition of me. Whether I want to talk dirty in the moment, I will always respect the asking because my pleasure and the pleasure of my partner is paramount.
Naughty with consent
Of course, there are times when “naughty” is the bridge to pleasure. Some people are turned on when others tell them they’re very, very naughty.
Role-playing is fabulous play for this type of person. The conversation surrounding the choice to act out a fantasy in the bedroom is best broad, and then specific, using questions such as:
Do you like to be called naughty or dirty during sex?
Does it turn you on to be told what to do?
Would you be interested in role-playing?
What’s your fantasy surrounding being called “naughty” by someone else?
Is there anything we talked about that you would like to try?
It is a fun exercise, especially if both partners practice communicating by asking and answering the same questions.
These kinds of conversations are not taught. They certainly were not taught to me. I was raised sexless, fearing the wrath of a god who would send me to hell for having conversations like this.
But then, I realized that if I didn’t have these conversations, I risked:
- Missing out on the greatest pleasures for myself and my sexual partner(s).
- Being in a sexual situation where one or both (or more) of us accidentally killed a spicy, passionate mood.
- Having something done to me (or doing something to someone else) that wasn’t desirable for one or both of us.
Just ask
Once communication starts, it’s easy to keep talking. Sex is a difficult topic to talk about in the beginning! But like a fire, it takes more to get it started than it takes to keep it going.
Ask. Just ask. That’s all it takes to skyrocket sex.
Ask. Listen. And then have fun with it! As I learn more about what turns my partner on, our mutual pleasure grows greater and greater. Even as my current partner and I have been together for over 6 years, our communication surrounding sex (and other subjects) continues to grow.
We’re becoming increasingly comfortable trying new things with each other — and old things in new ways — because we have learned trust.
It is safe and encouraged in our bedroom to set and communicate boundaries and pleasures before, during, and after sex.
And no, he doesn’t call me “naughty.”
My kind of kink
I know, I know. I know why people are really reading this. My readers want me to talk about my sex. Well, communicating what I like is a specialty of mine. I won’t tell all, but I’d certainly be happy to share a few:
- I love to lick and nibble ear lobes.
- I will, happily, commit road head.
- I think feet are very sexy. Not sucking-on-toes sexy, but giving foot rubs to anyone — men and women — makes me wet.
- Despite being a “top” (more on that later), I am brought to trembling and satisfaction by being beneath someone else. I love to feel the weight and shape of a body on top of mine.
- My nipples (and my ears) are one of my most sensitive erogenous areas. I love nipple play. Pinchers, biters, and sucklers are welcome but don’t leave any marks.
- I like a bit of pain. It increases my pleasure to roll over the line from pleasure into pain and back again during sex.
- Sex is not all about penetration. Sorry, fellas. But please, please do it anyway.
I’m Brett Jenae Tomlin, The Anxious Enthusiast.
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