STACKING RACKS

Tit Tweets Are a 4 Jillion Dollar Industry: Here’s The Big Players to Watch

Tits are huge this summer

2022 is the summer of big boob accounts on Twitter. All around the world people are thirsty to see the biggest and best breasticles on social media. Titty Twitter alone is expected to generate 4 Jillion dollars this year.

How much is a Jillion? If you take all the money in the world, people won’t be able to buy anything. Economies would tank, people would starve, so don’t do that. Just know that it’s a lot.

The temperature is up and the ta-tas have come out! This is the first year you really can feel we’ve broken the planet. Today the gamma rays of the sun are more powerful than ever.

Be careful! Don’t burn those breasts because you forgot to apply sunscreen to your cleavage. Dem titties are not a renewable resource. You don’t want the girls looking sad and tired when the food riots start. Your fun bags might be the difference between a loaf of bread and starving to death.

Cool Boobs

Behind every faceless pair of big ol’ titties, there’s an influencer who corrals their boobs into a 4-hook under-wire bra every day. Who are the faces behind these endless, headless jugs?

I had no clue. Then, I remembered that I’m an investigative reporter so I should probably go find out or I won’t be able to afford the court ordered breathalyzer in my car.

I scheduled interviews with all the biggest names in boobs on Twitter.

But they canceled, and I needed a story. In the end, I did what I always do.

Made up a bunch of stuff.

Let’s begin!

Chester LaRue — Net earnings 666 million

Fun fact: Chester’s preferred pronouns are badda/bing according to bing profile.

The big kahunas in titty Twitter today is Chester LaRue. LaRue has been the top tits for 2 years after bumping Tits McGee from the spot. For the first time in Twitter history, a non-binary person is at the top of the tit tally.

Chester’s meteoric rise coincided with trans acceptance going mainstream. No one is certain if badda’s transfemme or transmasc or Transformer. The mystery of if bing stands up or sits down to take a piss adds to the alure.

“I’d ask, but trans Twitter will nail your dick to a train if they don’t like the tone of your sneeze.” I say out loud to myself.

The Big Valboski - Net Earnings 420 million

Fun Fact: Val calls the big one Gigantor and the smaller one Minitron.

If a handful isn’t enough, Val is your gal.

When she’s not taking pictures of her cleavage to post online, she’s having other people take pictures of her cleavage to post online.

Val recently had her boobs insured by Lloyds of London for 100 billion dollars. Lloyd wanted to see the girls first.

Lloyd forgot he already follows Val on OnlyFans and has seen her boobs. Val remembered and saved herself a trip to London.

“I wonder what the annual premium is for 100 billion in boob insurance,” I ask my dog.

Chi-Chis Gonzalas — Net earnings 843,204 billion pesos

Fun Fact: Chi Chis’ mom is the entertainer Charro, the first person to say coochie on national television.

It’s not just white people with great racks. Cool boobs can afflict any nationality, but all the people monetarizing their headless boob pic were white girls.

Then came Chi Chis.

Chi Chis’ skin may be low in melanin, but her casaba melons are 100% Mexican or Puerto Rican or something. Definitely Latin of some Hispanic origin.

Chi Chis first noticed she had big boobs when she looked down one day and couldn’t see any body part past her Bazoongas. Her tweets are in Spanish, but the language of boob is universal.

“¡Aye papi, miro aqui!” Her boobs cry out to me.

Tits McGhee — Net earnings 44 million all kept in her bra

Fun Fact: Tits was given a tattoo by famous artist Tat Tatooine on the show Terrible Tats. Tit went to Tat to get tattooed, and Tits gave Tat a tip for the tat.

The legendary Tits McGhee has been hypnotizing Twitter audiences for over 12 years with the pendulum-like warbling motion of her boobs. If you’ve seen cleavage on Twitter, it was likely Tits’.

While Tits' appeal has drooped over the years, Tits remains a titan on Twitter. Always finding new angles, filters, and things to press the girls against to the delight of her new right-sized audience.

Tits is founder of the Tots for Tits’ Juvenile Breast Cancer 5k Run.

“People unite as a community to celebrate Tits and cheer the couple of kids with breast cancer we force to run every year for however long 5k is. Doesn’t sound far,” says Tits.

That about does it for these 5 pictures of 10 tits with text in between them. As you can see, this story was a big tit joke. Thanks for the mammaries, Titter!

Ass is cap, the rack is back!

All summer this summer on Twitter.

Reporting from Hollywood, Hogan Torah for MuddyUm.

Wanna write about boobs and have people not think you’re a pervert? I hope. Join Medium today.

All boobs gave me permission to use them, but only my Twitter pal ValPancakes (The Big Valboski) wanted to be directly named. Check out her cool boobs and wrestling podcast on Twitter.

Want me to use your boobs in a story? Send pictures to [email protected]. Lots of them.

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