Summary

The article humorously critiques the types of men encountered on Tinder post-divorce and their subsequent migration to Match.com, highlighting the humorous and often undesirable traits they possess.

Abstract

The author provides a satirical take on the experiences of Elle Silver, who documented her encounters with various men on Tinder after her divorce. These men, characterized by a range of undesirable traits from being unemployed to seeking maternal figures, eventually find their way to Match.com. The article elaborates on each type, from those looking for free meals to those with bizarre fetishes, and offers a humorous commentary on the perils of online dating for middle-aged and older women. The piece advises caution and a healthy dose of skepticism when navigating the world of online dating, especially when dealing with men who seem too good to be true or are clearly looking for something other than a genuine connection.

Opinions

The author agrees with Elle Silver's assessment that many men on Tinder are primarily interested in free meals or sexual encounters rather than meaningful relationships.
There is a clear disdain for men who expect women to perform domestic duties or act as caregivers without reciprocity.
The author expresses frustration with men who are perpetually unemployed yet present themselves as life coaches or individuals living an "epic life."
The piece conveys a sense of ridicule towards men who have unrealistic expectations of women, such as those looking for a younger version of the woman they are dating.
The author holds a dim view of men who are manipulative or predatory, particularly those who mooch off others' possessions or exploit women for their own gain.
There is a warning implicit in the author's tone, cautioning women against falling for men who are bipolar or dangerous, as they can cause significant emotional harm.
The author sarcastically suggests that some men are so attached to their parents that they are incapable of forming healthy adult relationships.
The article ends on a humorous note, expressing mock envy towards Elle Silver for presumably finding the one decent man amidst the plethora of undesirable characters.

Tinder Sent These Men to Match.com

Please take them back.

If I am to steal somebody’s shit, let’s make it Really Good Shit.

To that, yesterday morning’s hilarious gutbuster from Medium buddy Elle Silver, which left me gasping on the floor (lots harder after I installed hardwood, I think I got a splinter):

13 Types of Men I Met on Tinder After My Divorce

#7: Tall, dark, and jobless.

medium.com

It’s not just that she nailed it, but she also identified what happens when she passes on these (mostly) losers. They head over to the Internet’s Last Ditch Effort, Match.com. Well almost. Plenty of Fish pretty much takes the cake for being the lowest possible rung, for if you’re unwilling to invest a few bucks in trying to get a few fucks then you’re better off at home with a buzzer or your left hand.

Just saying.

I invite you to read, laugh, enjoy, her wonderful piece. Then here’s MY take on HER take on what happens to her list of twelve after she’s done with them (and so are all the rest of us single girls) — just wait ‘til you’re 67, and still looking (otherwise known as peering through Coke-bottle glasses, but I digress). This is Elle’s Tinder list after she’s tenderized them and they wander over to Match.com:

#1 I’m Here for Dinner and Oh, is THAT Your Daughter?

Silver admits to being horny and middle-aged, which becomes a real issue when the object of her lust is just here for the food, ma’am. Try being horny and just aged, without the middle (okay okay, I HAVE a middle, but happily not too big). The guy not only wants just the food, he wants to know if I have a daughter who looks like me when I was in my PRIME.

Pass.

#2 Boys Just Wanna Get Laid, No Matter How Old They Are

Her second interest just wanted sex, which sums up nearly every digit-obsessed idjit who ever showed up for a date, who focused solely on my boobs. He’s also looking around for a likely daughter just before he breaks his front teeth on my deck on the way out, courtesy of my steel-toed hiking boots.

Pass.

#3 Grammy Needed. Oh, and Housework is Involved.

Number three by now has aging adult children from five former marriages and is stuck with babysitting duties. Since he couldn’t keep it zipped, and since he never showed up for diaper duty the first time, he sure as FUCK didn’t sign up for the second time around. He’s ISO a stand-in grammy so that he can head out and find real booty. He has a mother-in-law apartment and the U-Haul is out front. And by the way, I should be ready to share the mother-in-law apartment with all five of his kids because, Covid. Oh, and can you help with expenses, as in, all of them?

Pass.

#4 He was married to the Perfect Woman

He was married to a model (she was plastic with all the appropriate orifices) but he blew her up and blew her off, or rather, he got so energetic she popped a hole and she flew out the window.

So should he.

Pass.

#5 Still in Search Of His Mother

Number Five is so desperate for household help that he is calling from beneath the armpit-high pile of Levis stacked in the basement. Since he can’t do laundry, he just bought new Levis and threw the dirty ones downstairs. Then he fell in. He just wants help climbing out, and by the way, d’ya mind washing and folding these for me? (Based on a true story, you can’t make this shit up.)

Run, pass, block.

#6 Once a Perv Forever a Perv

Contestant Number Six is still obsessed with what you’re wearing. “Are you wearing a diaper? I’m really into Depends,” says the aging perv who has graduated from wanting to imagine you in a miniskirt and six-inch heels while vacuuming to ripping off your damp duds. At least he (d)evolved. This is the guy who turns Mr. Happy into a sock puppet (a very small sock puppet) for shits and giggles. It isn’t a clean one either. The sock. Or, well...never mind.

Run. Run. Run.

#7 Perpetually Unemployed But Can Help Others Live an Epic Life

The Tall Dark and Jobless who hovered around Elle, albeit briefly, found his way over to Match.com now claiming to be a Life Coach. He’s still jobless.

Sprint.

#8 Stooped, Dark, Jobless and Alcoholic Seeks Soulmate Who Sucks

By the time he descends to Match.com ignominy, is the Mama’s boy who never learned personal hygiene, is never without a cigar and a scotch, expects to be waited on hand and foot and believes that he shouldn’t have to work because, after all, he’s a god. Because he has a penis.

God of the underworld, maybe, if it’s a sewer. Oh, and he expects a blow job, because, after all, he has a penis. Even if he does pop the Little Blue Pill and even then, has to tape his unit to a toothpick. But he does require assistance climbing out of the bathtub. Just saying.

Blow that one out the door before the stink lingers too long.

#9 Educated, Gorgeous, Bipolar and Dangerous

Number Ten, Tall Dark, Jobless and Bipolar, who spent his college years actually getting educated, appears bright and charming. In fact, so bright that he burns a hole in your retina. Half an hour later he’s so dark that you need your Imalent MS18 Flashlight to find your way out of the bedroom after he falls into one of his Black Holes. It appears that bipolar for him is more entertaining if he has a close companion that he can cause to suffer even more than he does. No wonder he can’t find work. Now you can’t either.

FORE.

#10 Employed Dope Dealer

Turns out, by the time he’s landed, greying and grizzled on Match.com, he’s learned how to hoover his dates’ drug supplies since he’s been doing it to his kids, grandkids, friends and family for years. When he disappears into your bathroom for an abnormally long time, that’s clue number one. You’ll likely find him on the floor curled around your toilet, sleeping off all your empty pill bottles. After he’s been over a few times for great conversation, reasonable sex and you hope for better, you realize he’s not only cleaned your medicine cabinet but also found your weed stash. He cleaned your clock in more ways than one. Better cancel your credit cards.

Set his pants on fire en route out the door. Then call the cops.

#11 But I Like It Around Here

This dude hasn’t just decided to stay home with Mommy and Daddy.

This guy has lived with his parents so long that he has installed their mummified remains in seated positions at the dinner table.

Hang garlic by the front door after you invite him to go back home to Mama.

#12 Butt I like it this way.

Assman by now shows up dripping with whips, chains, pleather and studs. Been walking around behind the farm animals too long as nobody will date him. For good reason. A can of Raid works well.

#13 Employed, Sweet and Sexy.

That one didn’t make it to Match.com because, well, Elle Silver took him.

Damn her.