13 Types of Men I Met on Tinder After My Divorce

#7: Tall, dark, and jobless.

I dated men from Tinder for roughly a year after I left my husband. Some of these dates were bad experiences. I remained undeterred.

Going out to meet men after my divorce helped me find my footing again as a newly single woman. There was something exciting about wondering whether I’d be pleasantly surprised by the guy I’d swiped right on or shocked at how wrong I’d been.

Here are thirteen of the most memorable men I met on Tinder (a few of whom I’d actually prefer to forget).

#1: He really does just want to have dinner.

I once read in a dating guide for women that a gal shouldn’t go to a man’s abode too early in the relationship or he’d get the wrong idea about her. It’s too easy to fall into bed that way and then a man would lose interest.

I don’t know what kind of women that dating guide was written for but it wasn’t written for horny, middle-aged, divorced women like me.

When Josh, 48, asked if I wanted him to take me out for dinner for our second date or for him to make me dinner at his place, I chose the latter. I wanted to jump into the sack.

Once I arrived at his place, I was further pleased to find that not only was he a great chef but he lived in a studio apartment. That meant his bed was in the same room as where we were eating (on the couch).

I thought all we had to do was finish our meal and then move to the bed. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen that way.

He wanted to keep talking after dinner. And keep talking and talking and talking.

Like a perfect gentleman.

I was a horny, middle-aged, divorced woman but not a forward one. I didn’t want to make the first move. But I also wanted to be taken advantage of. Now.

Maybe he got the vibe I was desperate. (I was.) Maybe I had turned him off during dinner. (Desperate, middle-age, divorced woman vibes aren’t exactly attractive.) Maybe he was one of those guys who actually wanted to wait. (Guys get to say no, too.)

I’ll never know because I didn’t stick around to find out.

Pass.

#2: Does he want a hookup or a hooker?

And yet, some men on Tinder really are only interested in sex. This was the case of Dave, 47, who had no problem going to bed with me early on. The problem with Dave was that sex was all he wanted.

It’s not that I’m against casual sex. But when he kept pushing back our meeting times to later and later, I realized I was just his booty call.

I wanted more out of our fling than feeling like he should be calling an escort for some midnight boning instead of a gal he met on Tinder.

Pass.

#3: He has a child from a former marriage and wants to get married NOW.

For some men, though, finding a serious relationship is what they’re after — even to the point that they’re desperate to get remarried.

Tom, 50, wanted this — and he wanted it NOW.

He had a young daughter from a brief marriage to an architect. As soon as his ex found out she was pregnant, she divorced him. Tom said he felt like a sperm donor but was still grateful for his daughter.

And he made it clear he wanted to find a new wife immediately.

We went out on three dates. As I had two young sons, in his eyes, we were the perfect match. We could combine our broken families to create one Brady Bunch unit — and Tom was eager to get this show on the road.

Really eager.

He was already dropping hints by date two that my kids and I should move in with him.

All I had to do was take care of his daughter on his nights.

Okay, so he didn’t come out and say that, but that’s what I heard.

I had my hands full with my own children.

Pass.

#4: He used to be married to a model.

Aren’t their ex-wives always models?

Pass.

#5: “Can you fold my clothes?”

There’s nothing wrong with brainstorming unusual ideas for a first date — but don’t ever ask a woman to come fold your clothes.

In the midst of my initial text chat with Dale, 38, he shared that he was at the laundromat.

“My clothes are in the dryer. You should come fold them for me.”

I’d been my husband’s maid all throughout my marriage. I didn’t want to set that precedent with a new man.

Block.

#6: He wants to know what you’re wearing.

“What are you doing right now?” Tom, 35, texted after we matched.

“I’m sweeping.”

“Oooh, what are you wearing while you sweep?”

“Old sweats streaked with neon cheese powder from a box of macaroni and cheese that I just made for my kid.”

Block.

#7: Tall, dark, and jobless.

I met so many men on Tinder who were out of work it’s hard to sort through them all. I do recall Joe, 42, who didn’t get back to me until a month after we matched because he had been working but was now laid off so he actually had time to meet.

That makes sense. However, a guy who can only find the time to meet when he’s unemployed is a definite turn-off. He should just spend that time looking for a new job.

Pass.

#8: Tall, dark, jobless, and alcoholic.

Because being out of work does mean having a lot of time on one’s hands, sometimes that time gets consumed by unhealthy habits. This was the case of Shane, 43.

When Shane was employed, his job took him to offshore oil rigs where he spent months at a time away at sea. That tapped into my worst tendencies to chase unattainable men.

So after an introductory date at a cafe, I invited Shane to my place for lunch. He brought along a six-pack, which he immediately cracked open and began to guzzle as I pulled our lunch together.

If I didn’t already see that as a red flag, he also stepped outside every ten minutes to smoke a cigarette.

Once lunch was served, he took a break from smoking but kept drinking as he ate. He was waving that red flag in my face quite wildly now. Still, I wanted to make the most of this date.

After lunch, I invited him to the couch to get to know him better (read: to make out). He was on his last beer by then.

“Hold on a sec,” he slurred then proceeded to stick his hand down my pants into my underwear. When he brought his hand out again, he held his finger to his nose.

“You smell okay,” he said, “so if you want to have sex, that’s cool.”

I could no longer ignore the red flag rippling in the veritable wind. I invited him to leave.

Hard pass.

#9: Tall, dark, jobless, and depressed.

I can further understand how being unemployed might also affect a man’s mental state. Take Ben, 40, whose unemployed status I waived because he actually knew how to write.

We texted back and forth for weeks and he delighted me with his proper use of grammar. He put his apostrophes in the right places, spelled words correctly, and used periods at the end of his sentences.

Swoon.

On our first date, he asked me how I liked being divorced.

“I’m happy,” I said

“Happy?” he said. “Nobody’s happy in L.A. What kind of antidepressants are you on?”

I laid out my spread on the table. Zoloft for depression. Buspirone for anxiety. Klonopin as needed. Who was I kidding? I always needed it.

He was on at least three more meds than I was. I soon learned that was because he was far more manic.

We’d be hot and heavy for a week, and then he’d disappear. And this kept happening until he ghosted me for good.

He broke my flawed heart.

I was passed.

#10: Employed and drug-addicted.

Sometimes a guy looks like he has everything going for him. Job, house, amicable relationship with his ex.

Allen, 51, had intimated all these things during our chat, so when I showed up at the dive bar he invited me to, I was ready for a meeting with a normal guy.

However, it was a little weird how our conversation was zipping all over the place. He told me about his fifteen minutes of fame as an “it” boy in a Flock of Seagulls-type New Wave band back in the ’80s, then shared he was interested in experiencing homelessness.

“Homeless people aren’t weighted down by a bunch of possessions. They’re so carefree!”

I should have left them, but instead, I stuck around. Our conversation switched to our respective children.

We discovered that we both had kids with learning disabilities. One of my sons took Adderall and he shared that his did, too. The problem was he was also dipping into his son’s Adderall supply.

“Adderall changed my life!” he exclaimed. Since Adderall was so expensive, though, he’d started buying speed on the dark web, wrapping it in Zippo paper, and swallowing it down with his coffee in the morning.

Now I realized why our conversation was so frenetic. I excused myself to the bathroom and never returned.

Hard pass.

#11: He still lives at home with his parents.

You’d be amazed at how many men I met on Tinder who still lived at home with mom and dad. Sorry, just couldn’t go there at my age.

Pass.

#12: Straight to anal.

Some dudes don’t like to beat around the bush, literally. They prefer to root around in the rosebuds. This was the case of Christopher, 47, a photographer who seemed cool during our introductory conversation until he came right out and asked if I liked anal because that was the only way he enjoyed sex.

If he was trying to filter women, he was doing a very good job.

Block.

#13: Employed, sweet, and sexy.

After a year of swiping on Tinder and going out on a lot of dates that led to a whole lot of nothing, I finally found my Prince Charming. He’s employed, sensitive, responsible, and knows how to cook.

Score!

We’re still going strong five years later. I’m perfectly content with my boyfriend — but if something were to happen and we were to split up, I’d hop right back on Tinder.

And I’d approach it with the same sense of humor as before.

Even though a good deal of my dates were fails, each of the men I met on Tinder helped me ultimately get where I was meant to be.

These men weren’t a match for me, but they were likely perfect for someone else.

I wish every single one of them the best of luck in life and I hope they also found their special someone.