Time to Embrace Your Feelings After a Breakup

Even when they’re messy and uncomfortable

We tend to forget the grieving period after a breakup.

I didn’t know that’s what I was feeling until now. My relationship appears to have reached an end. We hadn’t delved into our new beginning yet.

I feel like closing in on myself. I want to curl up and hibernate in Spring. I didn’t even want to hike yesterday. I cried for most of the evening, interspersed with dinner prep and bedtime for my girls. Grieving is painful.

I’m overwhelmed with sadness today. I’m inspired to share, but it won’t be too organized. Being human can get messy sometimes. Maybe it’ll help you feel not as alone if I talk about it.

As I started writing on detachment with love, I realized why I needed to stop.

I’m not an expert in this area. I can’t lovingly detach from my relationship. How could I show you how when I’m not practicing it?

It’s hard for me to write with any authority today. I decided I’ll share my vulnerability instead. I’ll save that great “how-to” on detachment for later, when I can tell you how I did it.

I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

He told me he’s not the person I think he is, and to stop investing time in him. He said he wasn’t able to give me any return on my investment. Yes, I’m quoting him. Yes, he said long ago it was ok to write about him. But apparently, it’s not ok to care about him.

I get to choose how much I invest in a person, and I told him so. I have a birthday gift ready to send off. I plan to convey my best wishes. My heart aches, knowing he won’t call me for a while. But I won’t turn off my love just because he says he can’t return it.

Humans are dense and complicated. We make things harder than they need to be. I used to feel uncomplicated affection for this man. I don’t know what happened from then to now. My past perception was of another human with whom to share my love without expectations.

Our friendship felt easy.

We were teenagers, floating through life. Was it only because we got stoned a lot? Or was he always this familiar and comfortable? I’ve known him in another lifetime, and we were partners then. This time, we keep getting close, then he bails. Yesterday didn’t feel like our final bell, but it still hurts.

He’s always been kind, attentive, and honest. He cares deeply and is known for his generosity. He also gets angry at the current state of the world. He’s a change-maker and an eco-warrior. I don’t know if he realizes this about himself. But he’s here to shift our consciousness. So am I. That’s probably why we instantly connected. We would talk for hours, then and now. Our values and opinions coincide with nearly everything.

As easygoing as we were then, he left without explanation. I believe it was soon after we had sex. It was over 30 years ago, so I’m only speculating. He had other reasons for leaving that were unrelated to me. But I sense a pattern of emotional unavailability that’s lasted longer than I realized.

Then there’s me.

I have a long-standing habit of choosing to be with people who are undeniably unavailable to invest in me. At least he acknowledged my need for investment.

Now’s the time for me to unravel my reasons for these choices that hurt me. Why do I do that? And how can I start doing something healthier?

I don’t want to grieve. I have no real answers, and he’s staying silent. He’s still alive and well, so it doesn’t feel like the end. This is a complex, uncomfortable process.

I knew something was off with him since last September.

I’m not that naïve. He made excuses for why he couldn’t visit. He wondered aloud why he couldn’t find a girlfriend. He acted out of character with unexpected off-handed remarks. I didn’t know he was trying to push me away.

As much as we talked, we never had a conversation about marriage and step-parenting. He vaguely hinted at not wanting to be a parent. But he never told me what he wanted, and I never asked. I was afraid of his answer.

We went through a brief period of excitement about spending our lives together. Then he told me he was afraid of acting out of loneliness. Shortly afterward, he stopped flirting. He stopped talking about buying me a house with a winning lottery ticket.

Living far away made it extra convenient to avoid me. He finally came to see me, in the midst of the Covid pandemic. I’m not sure why he would come all this way, then remain emotionally distant.

He kept voicing his concerns about my losing myself in him. He told me not to get attached. When I stepped away from his comments, I saw that all I did was care about him. I didn’t feel overly attached. I wanted to connect with him. I’m healthy and healing from codependency. I know what I want.

Just because we both have a history of codependency doesn’t mean we have to continue being codependent. I don’t need him to complete me. I wanted to share my life with him. I started doubting my motives when he talked to me about attachment and expectations. He misinterpreted my intentions.

When we’re misunderstood or ignored, we fight it or internalize it. I did the latter. I’m good at self-assessment and always look for ways to improve my relationships. I overdid it this time. I’m healthier than I thought.

I’m allowed to love him. It’s ok to be sad and disappointed when he doesn’t want the same relationship I wanted. I’m letting myself grieve until I don’t need to anymore. One day, I’ll celebrate this time as one of the best growth opportunities in my life.

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