Time For Your Annual Sex Physical

Resolutions are boring. Let’s set some goals for the bedroom in the New Year

Let’s make 2021 the year of health, shall we?

I am Dr. Sarene (you know — white lab coat, sexy gaze over black rimmed frames; doctor in the sex-play kind of a way, not the MD kind of a way) and I am calling you in for your annual check-up. This isn’t a physical. That, you should do with your internist. This is a “Sexual.”

We’re here to take your “sexual temperature” to start 2021 off right.

A healthy sex life is a great barometer for assessing overall health, because substantively the difference between feeling alive and feeling turned on is negligible. If you walk through your day feeling full of life, glad to be in the body you’ve got and drawn to rub it against the bodies of other sexy folks, you’re in good shape. Sadly, especially after months of lockdowns, many of us don’t…

If you wake up feeling sluggish or need many cups of coffee to help you get through the day, then your level of vitality is not where it should be. Increasing your level of arousal and sexual satisfaction is one method to increase your overall vitality, and it is one you can work on, even if you still need to be largely confined to your home because of the pandemic.

To feel turned on is to feel alive. Sex is one way of expressing the vitality that pulses in you, but it’s certainly not the only one. Sing, dance, sculpt, write, feed the hungry, run a marathon. Just as long as you feel alive.

Sex is not the only way to express the upwelling of life-force that arises in us when we feel turned on, but it’s a very healthy one. Orgasmic sex is aerobic and relational. It gets the heart pumping, increases our general feelings of well-being and feelings of compassion for the other.

A fucking world is a happy world.

What is sex? Why should I have it?

Before we dive in, please join me in shattering outdated notions about sex. By 2021, I trust that we all know that the biological definition of sex, the insertion of a penis into a vagina, is practically useless. With 1–2% of all babies currently born in the US conceived using in-vitro fertilization, such a definition does not even serve us if we want to focus on sex for the purpose of procreation. We need a new definition.

In a perfect world, every human would have reclaimed their ability to orgasm and we’d simply replace the word “sex” with “orgasm.” If we made that substitution, it would be clear that a discussion of healthy sex is essentially a discussion of the cultivation, alone or with a partner, of a transcendent form of pleasure, that dissolves the boundaries between the physical and metaphysical, between self and other. Sadly, we do not yet live in a perfect world and if I were to write an article assuming that everyone who knew how to read also knew how to orgasm, I’d be wildly underestimating my audience. Therefore, for the purposes of this article, know that when I say “sex,” I am talking about a mode of embodied human expression that is beautiful, natural and pleasurable, which can involve a partner but need not and has the potential to lead to orgasm.

Sex is [a mode of embodied human expression] that is beautiful, natural and pleasurable, which can involve a partner but need not and has the potential to lead to orgasm.

Your Annual Sexual (like “Physical,” but with sex)

Questions to take your “sexual temperature” and set sexual goals for the new year

Goals

If you are in the short window of adult life when you’re working to build a family, I wish you much fertile success. Know that holding sex lightly and having as much fun with it as possible, even as you work to make babies, helps the journey to be much more pleasant. If you’re not in that little window; if you’re single, gay, uninterested or past that stage of life, it is time to ask yourself about your own goals for sex.

Why do you want to be having sex? Is sex a means of self-expression? A way to connect with a partner? Is sex something you need or something you want? Why? What are your goals for sex?

Arousal

When was the last time you felt turned on? Do you wish you felt aroused more often than you do lately? Less? How does the frequency with which you feel turned on align with your goals for sex?

What is your relationship to orgasm?

Can you orgasm? Do you orgasm at the frequency you’d like? Do you prefer to orgasm with a partner or on your own? Do you have toys and/or tools that help you to orgasm (because they certainly exist for every kind of body)? Are there secrets about your body that if shared, would increase the frequency with which you orgasmed (ie. “touch me just like that, baby”)?

How’s your solo sex life?

Do you have a solo sex life? Why or why not? How satisfying is it? Were you taught “lessons” about masturbation, whether from a religious perspective or a pro-marriage perspective that interfere with the health of your solo sex life? If non-pleasurable feelings arise during solo sex (ie. longing for a mate), can you apply strategies like journaling to face them head on, thereby uninviting them to your solo date nights? Even if you are insanely satisfied with your solo sex life, what is one thing you can do, as a gift to yourself, to increase your satisfaction even just a little bit more?

How’s your partnered sex life?

How satisfied are you by the number of sexual partners you have right now? In light of the partner(s) in your life, are you able to have as much sex as you’d like? How’s the communication between you and any partners you may have? Do you feel safe to share your needs and desires with your lover? Do you need to come out of the closet about any new facets of your sexuality in order to be able to arrive in your fullness to your partnered sex life?

Growth

When was the last time you tried something new in the bedroom? For adults, there is no better terrain for play than sexual expression. Good play is creative and adventurous. How do you hope to grow sexually in 2021?If you could give yourself one gift sexually this year (an object, skill, experience), what would it be?

Conclusion

Human beings are social creatures and sexual creatures. In order to embrace health and vitality in 2021, make space in your life for your sexuality. Every person, regardless of age and orientation, can know deep pleasure thanks to intimate touch. The hands doing the touching can be your own or someone else’s. What matters is that your body receive the loving it deserves, and that you feel vitally alive.

Use this form to take your “sexual temperature” below. No need to enter a name. If you enter an email, you’ll receive your responses to your inbox right away and I’ll send them back to you next Christmas, to get you warmed up for your next Orgasmic New Year’s Eve.

Happy New Year!