Tik, Tok, Life Is Short
My story of letting go of a narcissistic “Energy Vampire” in my life
Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? — Mary Oliver, “The Summer Day”
Tik tok. I hear the pendulum on my grandfather’s old clock swishing back and forth. He used to get so frustrated with that clock. But it was also probably his most prized possession.
His grandmother had brought that old Seth Thomas time piece to Missouri in a covered wagon, wrapped up safely in blankets and quilts. I don’t know if it ever did keep perfect time. But it most certainly was always “off” as far back as I can remember. I can still see my grandfather tinkering with it, fussing over how it was too fast or too slow.
I inherited that clock. And it now sits, unwound, in my home. The wooden floor on the second story of my house tends to wobble a bit when you step just so, and sometimes the jostling is enough to start the momentum of that pendulum going enough for it to tick off a few beats. But I’ve given up on the idea that it is actually a timekeeper anymore. These days, it just reminds me of my grandfather — and of the preciousness of time.
The older I get, the more I have come to realize how there never seems to be enough moments in the day. And I’ve realized that we always have a choice how, and with whom, we spend that time.
Setting boundaries is absolutely necessary. These boundaries will very likely upset, disappoint or anger the narcissist. But you have to remember that it is not your job to be responsible for their emotions.
In recent weeks, we’ve lost two friends and my husband’s mother. And now, another loved one was just diagnosed with lung cancer. We knew these deaths were imminent. My mother-in-law was ninety-three and had a good long life. But the other two were taken by cancer at ages which seemed to me to be way too young.
At the same time, we’ve also been dealing with a situation with a narcissistic “energy vampire,” a child I helped to raise (now well into adulthood), within our family.
Letting go of those Narcissistic “Energy Vampires”
Do you have anyone in your life who exudes negative energy? Someone who does not seem to ever take any interest in you, but, rather, seems to dominate every conversation with their tales of woe? Or worse, with their gripes about how you are treating them all wrong?
Perhaps they try to “gaslight” you — try to convince you that the reality you have experienced is all wrong. These are all classic traits of a narcissist.
It’s extra tricky when they are a family member.
Over the years we’ve watched this individual manipulate everyone in the family, attempting (and sometimes succeeding) to divide us. We’ve all been drawn in by her tales of how someone else has done something so grievously awful that we are utterly shocked by their bad behavior.
But, inevitably, each one of us has ended up being that horrific person who has wronged her.
We’ve all come to realize that she is a full-blown narcissist. But she has no intention of seeking treatment, or of acknowledging that it is her, rather than every single other person she encounters — from family to co-workers to bosses to friends — who might have an issue.
In short, she’s an “energy vampire.”
She feeds off of other people’s emotional energy, taking advantage of their willingness to provide emotional and financial support and leaving them drained. She does not ever feel genuine happiness for other people and completely lacks empathy, although she actually describes herself as an “empath.”
Over the last year or so, she has completely estranged herself from everyone in the family except one (and that one person is someone that this thirty-five year old woman has conned into continuing to provide her with financial support). And, I have to say that, although, at first, I was so angry with her and her callous and vile words when she departed my life, I am now sleeping so much better. I feel so much “lighter.” And other family members have said the same.
If she ever seeks treatment and decides that she wants an authentic relationship, I might try again. But, at this point, I’m, honestly, not really sure. Anyways, I don’t see that happening anytime soon, if ever. And I’ve really realized that life is just too short to get so caught up in these sorts of scenarios.
Tik, tok. Taking back your life.
As Mary Oliver, my favorite poet, so eloquently said, “What is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Because we all have choices.
Not all “energy vampire” situations are as extreme as this one. Most are not.
But you might recognize shades of this person in someone you know.
It might be a co-worker, or someone whom you really thought was a friend. They might have gradually morphed from being someone you initially respected and really thought that you had a meaningful relationship with to someone who criticizes and humiliates you and makes you feel guilty. This is what narcissists excel at.
The hardest part about dealing with these people is that the transition from charming to abusive and back to charming can be very gradual. And they can be so very charming when they want to be.
They can manipulate you into feeling responsible for caring for them. They can refuse to accept responsibility for their emotional maturity. And one of the weirdest traits of a narcissist is that they will try to “gaslight” you — to make you believe that the reality that they present to you (although it often completely untrue) is the correct reality.
How to deal with the narcissist in your life
Dealing with the narcissist in your life can be very emotionally challenging.
Therapy may not do much for them, but it can, most certainly, help you with dealing with the repercussions of your interactions with them.
Having a support group to talk to can be very helpful.
And setting boundaries is absolutely necessary. These boundaries will very likely upset, disappoint or anger the narcissist. But you have to remember that it is not your job to be responsible for their emotions.
Boundaries
In my case, I suppose I am fortunate that the ties with this family member have already been so frayed that they are close to being severed. I’m not sure that I would have done this myself. But I realize now that I have spent way too many years tiptoeing around her, trying not to rock the boat. I’m so tired of her draining us both emotionally and financially.
By stepping back, I’ve been able to assess the situation with clearer eyes. I won’t say that I don’t still wake up sometimes in the night, stewing about the situation, especially since there is a child, who is being withheld from the rest of his family, involved.
But there is great value in understanding the things that you can alter and the things that you just have to eventually accept.
And I am trying to deeply embrace the other family members, and friends, whom I love so much, and who love me back. It just makes more sense to put my energy into these relationships. At the end of the day, I don’t want to look back and realize that I have put an inordinate amount of energy into a relationship that sucks the life out of me.
I want to spend it with people who value me, people whose company I thoroughly enjoy, people whom I look forward to spending my one wild and precious life with.
A resource which might be helpful:
Erika Burkhalter is a yogi, neurophilosopher, cat-mom, photographer, and lover of travel and nature, spreading her love and amazement for Mother Earth’s glories, one photo, poem or story at a time. (MS Neuropsychology, MA Yoga Studies).
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Photos and story ©Erika Burkhalter. All rights reserved.
