Three Ways Men Change
And the support that makes a difference
A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. — Joseph Campbell
Who wants to be a hero all by himself? — B. Stuart Noll
Men Who Change
Without intention, men flounder. With the commitment and the support to make it happen, men do change. A shift doesn’t look the same in all men. Some of us take longer than others to see what might be necessary or useful. Each of us can become the best version of our highest self in due time.
My experience is that men who transform are driven by 3 basic emotions. Anger, sadness, or fear. Each of these emotions can cause great harm. They can also produce positive change depending on their expression.
Recognition
The first thing that happens is the “Oh Shit” moment. That’s the moment when a man realizes that he’s actually in trouble. If something different doesn’t happen, disaster awaits.
You might think this occurs at his breaking point, the point where he can go no lower, and often that is true. But only the man himself knows his own threshold or tolerance for tension. Even if he isn’t sure at what point he will snap if change doesn’t occur, he knows that something is wrong. My unprofessional judgment is that most men experiencing inappropriate levels of anger, sadness, or fear are unaware and don’t know how to hold themselves accountable. They know that something’s wrong and they need help. The problem is most of us learned that to be a real man we had to figure out the solutions on our own. Big mistake! Could that be why men are the number one demographic for suicide?
External Change
Many men feel the only satisfactory place to transition is where others can see that transition take place. Examples might be habits seen on the outside…the way he dresses, the way he acts in a meeting, etc.
The truth is that any constructive change can only be achieved from the inside out. This is best accomplished and celebrated in conjunction with stout support from others. Modifications happen after a man commits to doing his personal work.
Internal Change
It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. Joseph Campbell
The hero’s journey that Joseph Campbell writes about is a fascinating and thrilling event in a man’s life. It can happen at any time. My experience is that what precipitates the event might not actually be how and where it begins. A man can realize he needs help, but his ego, environment, or conditioning can stand in his way. This challenges him to get a handle on his emotions and behavior. So what 3 things have to happen for him to change?
Realizing he needs help is number one. Deciding to ask for help is number two. The third and final piece is to partner with experienced men who’ve been where he’s been. These men are often willing to, without judgment, walk with him on his journey. They help the man hold himself accountable to change. They know what it feels like and are paying it forward.
The Outcome
Men’s work is unknown to many men. It is not deemed as important and isn’t publicly supported as are other mental health issues. But I ask you, what would happen in our culture if men took responsibility for their behavior? What if they recognized the future possibilities of mature, effective masculinity? What if masculinity was constructive instead of destructive; mature instead of immature; and loving instead of violent?
Men can and are changing. There are a growing number of practices and organizations working to affect this transformation in our culture. My hope is that men and women will seek out help and support these organizations in their goal to right the wrongs of the past. I also trust that we can create a new masculine meme for future generations that heals and serves all humanity.
I am so grateful for your time and interest in my writing. Here are a few more articles about men that may be worthwhile too.
