Men’s Work

The Real Work of Men’s Work

Growing and healing

To be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best to make you somebody else, is the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting. — E. E. Cummings

What is men’s work? Why does it seem so difficult? Why is it never done? Three questions about a topic that doesn’t raise much interest, until someone loses it and the violence that overflows from the absence of this work is out in the open.

In my experience, men’s work is often done in the dark because men aren’t sharing their deepest feelings in a safe environment. Most of the settings where a man does share his feelings aren’t safe for him or for others in those settings. Why? In many cases, men fear that people might get a glimpse of the real man inside, or more accurately perhaps, the little boy who hasn’t yet learned how to express his emotions appropriately.

And it isn’t just anger. Most men that I have come into contact with are doing their internal work with the emotions of fear, sadness, joy, guilt, and shame too. Think about it; where can a man go to do the internal work he feels or suspects he needs to do? In the workplace? Not unless he wants to be judged by his peers — that’s not safe. At home? Sure, if he’s got an unusually strong, understanding, and grounded relationship with all members of his family. Maybe, but this hasn’t been my experience. Shall I go on? Because there is so much more, and I believe most of you are getting the gist by now.

Is it getting better? Yes and no. There is more literature now than ever before and men are becoming more aware all the time of what their options are for doing internal work. So why aren’t we turning the corner on the violence of all kinds at the hands of men? Domestic, racial, and political violence is rampant today. One example of this is in my home state of North Carolina alone, violent crime has risen by 14% in 2019 over 2018 according to the state 2019 Annual summary.

I don’t mean to insinuate that all crime is due to men not doing their work on emotional intelligence but I would certainly contend that doing more of this type of internal work would help decrease that number. This essay isn’t all about crime either. Men are dealing with all kinds of issues that impact them that aren’t crime-related but certainly influence the quality of their lives and the lives of their families and the communities in which they live. Men are making decisions concerning family, career, finances, health, and more.

Let’s face it, men are responsible for many of the ills of our society today predominantly because of our patriarchal society. If we want our society to change, men are going to have to do something different or we will get what we have always gotten. And more men are becoming more aware of that challenge all the time.

That brings me back to the question of “where do men go to work on themselves?” Yes, there are some programs, religious organizations, therapists, and non-profits. But if you look where the money is being appropriated my guess is that it is going to education, health, women, and children issues, many of which are caused by men abdicating their responsibilities in the first place.

Please do not misunderstand me here. I am not advocating a shift in any current funding of programs for the aforementioned programming. What I am advocating is for men to step up and take responsibility for their actions, holding themselves accountable, being more authentic, generous, respectful, aware of inter-cultural issues, having more compassion, and demonstrating a life of integrity and leadership. Getting involved in our own personal development.

This essay is not intended to be a definitive expose on EQ for men. It is intended to bring to light the need for a larger gateway to be opened by men, for men, who do recognize the need to work on their internal environments for the welfare of themselves and those around them.

I’m sure there are multiple programs available, but I’m personally familiar with one that works for me. I know my work will never be done. The scars of my conditioning, the trauma of my youth, and the field of my misunderstanding continue to require healing. The ManKind Project, an international 501c(3) has been a part of my life for almost 7 years now and the support it provides me is irreplaceable. Are we perfect? No! Are we working on it? Yes! We are men mentoring men, supporting each other through changes that inevitably help us see ourselves in a different way.

If you are a man, I encourage you to check it out. If you are someone who knows a man and wants him to be better equipped to see himself in a different light, check it out. Here’s a link for your convenience.

Thank you for being here with me today and for reading this article.