Thoughts On Death

Summary

Lori Carlson discusses her perspective on death, expressing a lack of fear and a belief in reincarnation, while her fear of living stems from a struggle to find purpose and fit into societal norms, exacerbated by mental illness and a profound experience during a coma.

Abstract

In the article "Thoughts On Death," Lori Carlson shares her personal beliefs and experiences regarding death and life. She reveals that she has never feared death, viewing it as a natural part of the life cycle, akin to the processes observed in nature. Carlson's understanding of death is influenced by her study of Buddhism and the concept of energy transformation, which aligns with both scientific and spiritual views. Conversely, she has always feared living, grappling with a sense of fraudulence and a lack of authenticity due to her childhood illness, coma, and the resulting loss of memory. This led to a disconnect from her family, school, and community, and a subsequent battle with mental illness. Despite not recalling a Near Death Experience (NDE), she hints at a profound event during her coma that shaped her life's purpose. However, this knowledge caused her to long for death, falling into decades of mourning and obsession, further impacting her mental health. It was only after a cancer diagnosis that she embraced a desire to live, driven by the need to fulfill her role in life, rather than a fear of death.

Opinions

Death is seen as a natural cycle and not something to be feared, but rather a transition involving reincarnation and energy transformation.
The author's fear stems from living, particularly from the challenges of finding personal purpose and authenticity after a life-altering coma.
There is a disconnect between the author and societal norms, as well as her own family, due to her unique experiences and perspectives on life and death.
The author's mental health struggles are intertwined with her existential reflections on life's purpose and the longing for the afterlife.
A profound, undisclosed event during a coma has significantly influenced the author's understanding of her life's role and the anticipation of its end.
The diagnosis of uterine cancer marked a turning point, shifting the author's focus from mourning death to embracing life and its responsibilities.

Reflections on Wednesday’s Prompt

Wednesday’s Prompt: Tell me about what death means to you. Simply the end, reincarnation, or is there an after-life? What scares you about death? Is it leaving people behind? Not accomplishing what you wanted or simply not knowing what is next?

I’ve never feared Death. I’ve always feared Living.

From as far back as I can remember (which isn’t always the easiest thing for me — memory, that is), I have never had a fear of Death. As with many aspects of my life, I’ve always had a knowing that Death was not an ending or a beginning, but a natural cycle of Life. For me, if I truly believed that I was a part of Nature (and I do), then just like the cycles of death and rebirth in the natural world, shouldn’t I too experience the same? Why would a Divine creator give that aspect to Nature, but not to Humans? Even though I didn’t have a name for this cycle when I was younger, when I began studying Buddhism and became acquainted with the term Reincarnation, I knew instantly that this was the belief I’ve always held.

So for me, there is no mystery about Death, so no reason to fear it. I know if this body gives out, my spirit will move on and reincarnate as something else. I also understand the concept that energy never dies, it just transmutes or reforms into something new. And aren’t we all made up of energy? Science says yes. Spirituality says yes, and so do many Eastern philosophies.

My biggest fear had always been Living. I struggled with finding a purpose for my life. I feared being seen as a fraud. As being unauthentic. Because of my childhood illness and coma, and waking up with no memory, I had no foundation, no corner stone. I had to teach myself everything I needed to know because everyone around me were pushing their memories onto me. So for me, life was a scary, uncertain place. I didn’t fit in with the norms and traditions of those who called themselves my family. I didn’t fit in at school or in the small town I grew up in. I struggled with even the smallest of things. It wouldn’t be until I turned twenty-two and decided to go to college that my life gained purpose, but this is also when mental illness crept in and I again struggled with my life between fits of depression and mania.

I don’t recall having an NDE (Near Death Experience) while in my coma, but something profound must have occurred during those weeks I was in it. I would discover later in my mid-20s that indeed something profound had occur, but I am not yet ready to write about that publicly. Just suffice to say, I knew why I was here, what my role in life would be, and purportedly when it should end. Because of this new information, instead of focusing on my life and purpose, I began longing for it all to end. What would come next seemed more real and joyous than what was going on in the here and now. So much so, that I fell into decades of mourning for it. I just kept thinking, couldn’t this life just end and let me move on to the next?

The mourning became obsession; the obsession led to more mental illness.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but it bears repeating — It wouldn’t be until 2012 when I was diagnosed with uterine cancer that I stopped mourning for Death and desired to Live. And yet, it still had nothing to do with a fear of Death. I know what will happen when this body gives out and I look forward to that moment in time. No, my sudden desire to Live was because I hadn’t fulfilled what I knew was my role in life. It was time to shake off my obsession and do my work — something that is still not always easy due to mental illness.

So while death doesn’t scare me and I know what comes next, I also know that I have work to do in this Life before I can look forward to what comes next. It is a small comfort to know and not have to guess. It also makes it easier to live now.

For 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s Weekly Prompt: 11–15.01.2021 — Reflective January

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.