ESSAY | PERSONAL GROWTH

This Life-Long Journey

On measuring personal growth

My personal growth began at an early age (although I do not know the exact age I was when it began) with the rejection of racism and bigotry that dwelled so openly in my family. Their hatred toward ‘others’ made no sense to me. At that time, I just knew it was wrong and ugly and I wanted no part of it. It continued all through grade school and high school as I embraced those who were shunned for their disabilities, race, sexual orientation, and ‘weirdness’. I didn’t join cliques because I was developing an all-inclusive mindset and many of the school cliques were exclusive — if you aren’t just like us, then you have no worth. I had purposefully put myself in the ‘others’ column and would remain there my entire life.

I began to measure my personal growth by placing myself in other people’s shoes. If I could gain understanding, compassion and empathy for them, then I knew I had grown in some small measure. If I couldn’t understand them, I would work on how to still send them love while holding firm to my personal beliefs of inclusivity. This allowed me to continue to grow. Sometimes, my growth would stagnate as I wrestled with my emotions toward those I couldn’t understand.

This has been my challenge these past five years as I have witnessed people pledging fealty to a narcissistic conman. I understand Trump’s behavior since I’ve studied narcissism for nearly twenty years now. I also understand his racism, bigotry and misogyny because of the home I grew up in. What I have not been able to understand is how his followers cannot see past his ‘charm and charisma’ and continue to support him. It has been a struggle to not put them in their own ‘others’ column. I want to believe their is goodness inside everyone, even if they project hatred and ugliness on the outside. It has only been through the practice of Hoʻoponopono that have I been able to spread love to them.

“Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness.” – Jean Vanier

My growth didn’t take a giant leap forward until I realized that although I could easily see flaws in others, I hadn’t really paid much attention to my own flaws and weaknesses. It wasn’t that I thought I had none. On the contrary, I knew I had many and wanted to avoid working on them. Instead, I would just try to be a better version of myself each day. This would prove more difficult as my mental health began to wane in my early thirties. I now had to deal with my own ‘shit’ in order to survive the deep depression that was becoming all consuming and this has been an ongoing process for nearly twenty-five years.

These days, I measure my personal growth by how I react to stressful situations, how I allow my own and other people’s negativity to affect me, how well I deal with my own laziness and procrastination, and how well my personal mindset of the world around me changes and grows. If I can react from a place of love, light and peace, then I know I’ve grown. If I can keep from getting anxious or frustrated at my own procrastination, then I’ve grown. And if I can remain positive about the world around me instead of letting negativity consume me, then I’ve grown.

I realize this journey of personal growth is never-ending. For every few steps forward I make, I know sometimes I will take a few backwards. It’s a daily process and life-long learning tool. And it is worth it to be a better person, to be kind and courteous, and to be loving and giving.

© 2020 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

For 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s 14th December 2020, Monday’s Prompt — How do you measure personal growth? How do you know when you’ve grown as a person?

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.