This Is the End: Russell Westbrook vs the World

Serge and Brandon’s infinite NBA playoff preview playlist

The NBA playoffs are here at last, and the people are clamoring for more serge and Brandon, so we are solving everything for you so you don’t have to watch the next three weeks and can enjoy the beautiful spring instead.

Oh but also, watch Westbrook vs Harden because the entire MVP discussion and the future of the human race is at stake. But then skip all the rest of the first round and watch some Michael Cera movies instead cuz we already figured out all the winners.

You’re welcome.

Warriors vs Blazers

Brandon

Dame loves to play in Oakland and I think he goes nuclear at least one of these two games, maybe right away this weekend. But the Warriors changed their entire team and identity getting ready for this, and I think they’re ready. I want this to be a rivalry, but they crushed Portland in the regular season. Do you think they win a game?

Serge

Look, I want Portland to win. For the past three years I’ve been sitting on the hope that GSW gets clowned as a 1 seed with a reverse of what they did to the Mavs. That would be almost always poetic. Then again, I bought a strainer the other day (I eat a lot of pasta) and I think it can hold water better than the Blazers defense. Dame and C.J. can go off for 80–90 and Warriors will drop 120 with ease so it won’t matter. I think they take one at the Bay, after which we get another Dame Dolla mixtape. The more interesting subplot is if Jusuf Nurkic and Zaza Pachulia go at it, who you got?

Brandon

Even less of a contest than this series. Nurkic brings the heat early but leaves injured on a TKO in round three. Dubs sweep.

Spurs vs Grizzlies

Brandon

It’s nice to have an old-fashioned series with no real stars or MVP candidates, just two good all-around teams. I have to respect what Amara and Alexis have done with this Grizz team, and this has upset flashback written all over it, but I’m not sure there’s enough Grit-N-Grind left to get the job done. We’d need Marc to dominate big bro and Conley to dominate TP and… actually I’m starting to talk myself into this a little bit.

Serge

Just so you know I just Google mapped how long it would take me to drive to Illinois. It’s under 24 hours. It’s doable. I will be wearing my Kawhi jersey and no facial expression.

I like the Grizzlies. I like them a lot. Marc Gasol is beautiful. Mike Conley is low key a really really good point guard who goes underrated because Russell Westbrook nuclear detonates and Steph Curry is a party entertainer who always has something up his sleeve. Vince Carter is living proof that life does indeed start after 40. But they can’t outplay this Spurs team. On paper, maybe, but they can’t outplay Pop.

Surprise quiz (didn’t want to use Pop Quiz because I still have a bit of dignity left), if you replace half this Spurs roster with a D-League team of your choice, do they still get 50 wins? I say yes. We’ll get a good game out of Tony Parker, a good one out of Manu (one per), and Kawhi will handle the rest. Memphis might take one. I give them one.

Brandon

I’ll say Spurs in 6. And I wouldn’t be totally stunned to see the Grizz pull something off except with Tony Allen out, there’s no Kawhi answer. I just don’t know what this Spurs team is really good at, though the Grizzlies are like a B version of the same thing.

Beards vs Brodies

Brandon

This is weird, but the Rockets are both my most likely non-Ws Finals team and my most likely first-round upset. There’s just so much variance and volatility with that barrage of threes. I’m not convinced Houston is much better than OKC, and it feels like the Thunder have defenders that will really physical it up and disrupt the D’Antoni attack.

Serge

Is Clint Capela legally allowed to play? I think we need a rule where if Russell Westbrook ends your life on national television you shouldn’t be allowed to play against OKC for three years. You know how we say regular season and playoffs are different and play in one shouldn’t affect MVP opinions in the other? It will. You know it will.

James Harden is great. So great that I refused to watch Houston for three years and this year I actually had to. His beard is magnificent. His crossover is immaculate and he made every center on this Houston team look better than Dwight Howard ever was on Houston and I know it was intentional. But there is too much “other players need to make their shots” for me to be scared of Houston. Russell Westbrook could not give a shit about his teammates making shots. Do you think if they’re walking down the street and Oladipo trips, Russ helps him up if the cameras aren’t there? This is the Russ show and I can see this one going seven with a Thunder upset. Because… Brodie.

Brandon

Whenever someone has one of these all-time hero ball seasons and drags their team to the playoffs, they have one epic series in them too. Russ is going to average 36, 10, and 9 and we are going to somehow be disappointed. I’m giving him two triple-doubles, a 50-point game, and a buzzer-beater. But I’m taking Rox in 7.

Clippers vs Jazz

Serge

Chris Paul talks a lot. Like A LOT. To his own teammates. To other teammates. In line at the grocery store. On the street. But he’s also the softest human on the court when encountered by a light breeze. Ever see someone touch CP3? It looks like his entire body is being exorcised of demons. There is a coefficient of how soft you can be proportionate to how much trash you talk and Chris Paul is way off average. But he’s also the best pure point guard in the NBA.

I think Gordon “she call me daddy too” Hayward (previously Gordon “I’ll have her home by 9” Hayward) is the X-factor. The Clips really don’t have anyone at that position, and the only two guys I want guarding Paul in the West are Conley and Hill. It’ll be close and it might get ugly. I do feel uneasy about this one because remember what the Clippers did to the Spurs? When they’re on, they’re a top-four team, and at some point their experience shines through.

Brandon

The Clippers have “experience” sort of like I have experience with girls. Does it really count if you’re always losing? Remember when L.A. started 14–2 and everyone kinda liked them and thought maybe they’d get the 1-seed? That literally feels like it was three years ago. How long has Donald Trump been president? We’re dying over here.

I have no idea what to make of either of these teams. Healthy Clips and healthy Jazz are the second and third best team in the West. But I don’t know if anyone on either team is healthy, and one of them is sure to suffer some terrible injury to ruin this series. The ugly thing about this series is whoever loses is going to get their team ripped apart this summer, and I don’t want that for Utah so I’m rooting for them.

Serge

I don’t like the Clippers because I don’t like GM Doc. I don’t think GM Doc is a good GM because he has too many relatives he can still sign. They made a lot of stupid moves to tie themselves up financially and failed to capitalize on CP3 and Blake so they don’t deserve anything. But also, I want revenge for what happened to the Spurs.

Brandon

I’m picking Jazz. I have no logic for it. I don’t know if they’re better. I just think this Clips team demands a tragic ending, and that’s either blowing a 3–1 lead to the Warriors or getting crushed by a Jazz team no one respects here. CP3 couldn’t win three games against Steph Curry if they played all season, so that leaves me no choice. Jazz win it in five in L.A. in front of all the Lakers fans.

Cavs vs Pacers

Serge

The most exciting thing about this series is going to be the Lance Stephenson suspension. I have the over/under on Born Ready antics at 3 and I’m going way over. I’m going one a game. LeBron and PG are going to give us at least one or two games where we question the reality we live in by dropping 30 each in an overtime game.

I get that people think Cleveland is vulnerable, but you never bet against LeBron because LeBron is the house and the house always wins. Writers like to talk about that “extra gear” for superstars. I don’t think LeBron has another gear, I think he just runs on rocket fuel in the playoffs and that’s enough to get to the Eastern Finals.

Brandon

If Lance doesn’t blow in LeBron’s ear or at least untie his shoes at some point, I’ll never forgive him. Everyone’s real excited about Paul George these last few weeks and I remember what he did in last year’s playoffs, but even if he does the Finals-MVP-limiting-LeBron-to-a-triple-double-while-only-getting-outscored-by-eight thing, we shouldn’t forget that the rest of the Pacers suck.

I don’t believe in this Cavs team. Something is rotten in Denmark. But I also know they’ve all heard us talking about how bad their D is and how much we don’t believe in them, and Indiana is going to pay for it (and for Mike Pence, but who’s counting). LeBron hasn’t lost a first round game since the Reagan administration. Break out the brooms.

Serge

If Lance doesn’t blow in LeBron ear I’m getting a refund. I wanted Miami to play Cleveland just to see the Dion Waiters Revenge Tour. Pour one out for Allana Tachauer.

Wizards vs Hawks

Brandon

Absolutely 100% the NBA TV series. I don’t care. I just don’t care. Atlanta is the worst 5-seed ever and their alternate jerseys look like pajamas. Wiz in 6.

Serge

This is a game? I can guarantee the only reason I’ll watch any of this is when NBA scheduling puts no other game on the grid and I’m bored. I’ll probably be doing something in the background. Like chopping onions. Or doing taxes. John Wall is fun, but I’m saving my John Wall fun for the second round where there is actual resistance to this Wizards team.

Celtics vs Bulls

Brandon

Chicago are basically the Roaches at this point. I was at the Cubs game the last night of the NBA season and every time I’d check scores, the people around me were booing. This team sucks to watch and I’m upset they’re in the playoffs instead of James Johnson and Waiters Island. I want them gone, so it only stands to reason that they will ugly it up, win a couple games, and prolong my misery even more. Can we just cancel the series and air six nights of them negotiating the inevitable Jimmy Butler trade?

Serge

Rajon Rondo is composed entirely out of petty and national TV performances. How badly does he want to end Isaiah Thomas’s career in this series? Let me walk you through stages of Rondo: Regular game Rondo (disinterested)… National TV Rondo (triple-double threat)… Playoff Rondo (start praying)… Christmas Rondo (actually fun while also ending lives), Connect Four Rondo, Finals Rondo (the final form). We’re getting Playoff Rondo against his old team and the point guard who’s making the city forget about him. Bulls are stretching this to seven and I can see this being an upset because these are the Bulls and God hates fun (see also: 2016 and 2017).

Brandon

There’s definitely all sorts of bad juju against the Celts here. Wade has owned them at times, Revenge Playoff Rondo looms, and I’m pretty sure Brooklyn Lotto Pick can’t stay with Jimmy Butler all series. This doesn’t feel like a 1–8 series at all. The Bulls have the best player in the series and maybe the second best in the playoffs, and somehow the better defense. And they always play well against good teams. Just one problem: the Celtics aren’t actually good. I’m going the other direction and against all logic because that’s what Chicago taught me this year. Celtics in five close, ugly games.

Raptors vs. Bucks

Serge

The Raps should be winning this in five, but because it’s Toronto it will inevitably go to a tense Game Seven where it looks like they’re going to lose. This team rarely makes any sense on the court and lives and dies by the DeMar iso. There’s a rhyme in a rap about DeMar now. I suppose that means he’s elite status. That’s part of the contract, if there is a rap about you you’re elite. Except the line is “If I shoot it it goes in, like DeRozan” and DeMar shoots 46%. So when he shoots it, more than half the time it doesn’t actually go in.

The Raptors are built for the playoffs and they can probably guard every Buck not named Giannis, but I’m worried about Matthew Dellavedova going Mad Max and reinjuring Kyle Lowry because that would be a very on-brand move for Matthew Dellavedova. We’re also going to see at least two games out of Based Giannis that make you find Jesus.

Brandon

I despise Delly and I’m upset that I now despise him a little less because of how far we let Outback Jesus get in our nickname bracket. Also it’s Easter weekend so I’d watch out for that if I were Toronto. I just want to see if the Raptors can finally win a home Game One for the first time since the Mesozoic era. I’m excited to see what Giannis does in the playoffs, but I don’t think they’re quite there yet. This Toronto team is legitimately really good. I got Raptors in five AND I got the Leafs in six too.

Serge

I hate the Leafs (checks outside for pitchforks and torches) I really do, and it has a lot to do with obnoxious Leafs fans who celebrate a below-.500 season with a goddamn parade. I want them to lose. In four. I want this over so we can focus on the Raptors. This team is good and deep and the Lowry injury did a good thing to us by letting Delon Wright get his legs. We’re too deep for Milwaukee. That and us being able to throw DeMarre Carroll, P.J. Tucker and Serge Ibaka at Giannis in bunches is too much.

Brandon

Raps it is, then. Bring on the second round.

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