The #1 Reason You Will Most Likely Fall for the Wrong Person
Take a look at how you look
Imagine sitting in a bar. A tall, brown-eyed handsome looking guy walks up to you. With bright eyes, a firm chin and a smile, says to you, “I was about to come over to chat with you, but I just got a call and I have to leave now. I’d like to pay for your drink, though, and I hope to find you back here. If that’s the case, I’ll make sure I get your number and maybe grab coffee together.” You both chuckled. You think he’s absolutely cute.
He paid for your drink, and with a smile walked away.
What thoughts and images of him would go through your mind as you’re sat blushing, trying to control the fact that you’ve just been blown away by such charisma?
Now imagine you both indeed met days later. He got your number and fixed the date for the weekend. During the week you spoke a few times on the phone. You exchanged instant messages daily. You’re all smiles. Looking forward to a good date. As your cab speeds away, bringing you closer to your date, what are your hopes and expectations?
From the few times you’ve seen and spoken, you think he is cute. You believe with the way he first approached you, he must be a gentleman. You go on a date believing he is loving. Throughout the evening, these beliefs cause you to act a certain way towards him. Your attitude causes him to respond positively, affirming those beliefs. The more he acts in accordance, the more those beliefs get reinforced.
Are you, therefore, seeing him/her for who they really are?
The answer is no. You’ve only forced them to fit into some expectations you created.
“When we expect certain behaviours of others, we are likely to act in ways that make the expected behaviour more likely to occur.” — (Rosenthal & Babad, 1985).
In the 1960s, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobsen conducted an experiment in an elementary school. The researchers randomly selected students from a class and told the teachers that these students were exceptional and had passed the Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition. The Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition was just a made-up word. The teachers, however, did not know this.
The researchers described the selected students as “growth-spurters.” Highly intelligent kids with the potential to experience intellectual growth in the next year.
When performance data was gathered after the school year, they found that the spurters — the kids who the teachers were told were the brightest — had outperformed the rest of the kids.
Today we know this effect in psychology as the Pygmalion effect. Like the Oedipus Rex, it is one of the self-fulfilling prophecies.
What Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobsen came to conclude is that our expectations shape our reality. The teachers believed the students were of high stock. This raised the teacher's expectations. Raising their game forced the kids to raise their own game.
The moment we assign a set of attributes to a subject, we act in a way that forces the subject to respond in a certain way. This increases the likelihood that our preconceived notion will come to pass.
On any date, we arrive with a set of preconceived beliefs from the first impressions. With a little data, we build an image — an ideal of what a potential date partner must be like. If we, therefore, do not see people completely for what and who they are, how then do we truly love them as they are?
The disappointment most couples face in their relationship can be traced back to the image they formed of their partner at the beginning of the relationship.
Ultimately, our partners will behave as they really are. That means they will exhibit behaviors that are outside of our imagined image of them. This is when we say things like, “You’ve changed.” “You were never like this.” “I just can’t understand you anymore.”
Did they really change?
The self-fulfilling prophecy helps shine a light on how we unconsciously create our own reality through our beliefs and attitude.
The reason we are most likely to make a wrong decision when choosing a partner is not because they lie to us. Not necessarily. Rather, it’s because we form a perfect image of them based on some early wonderful qualities. This ideal, once created, is hard to destroy.
A few relationships have taught me that no way is anyone perfect. In fact, the more you understand people, the more you can limit the things you project onto them. With a lot of disappointments (which I admit) I’ve created for myself through unreasonable expectations, I’ve learned that everyone comes with their own baggage.
Everyone has something they struggle with. But that doesn’t mean you think of the worst in people.
It simply means to keep an open mind. Anyone can be anything. People will surprise you. Often in good ways.
When you go into a relationship without a pre-defined image of the other person, you stand a good chance of getting to know them for who they are. You are not looking at them through any sort of filter.
It is also important to note that the self-fulfilling prophecy works both ways. It is possible to have a negative presupposition about an event, someone or a new job that causes you to act negatively, which increases the chance of a negative outcome.
Individuals sometimes leave a relationship thinking they were right to have suspected their partner of not being faithful after they found them unfaithful. We have to be careful here, though. And look into the situation with a third set of eyes.
If you go into a relationship with thoughts and beliefs that say your partner is not right for you. This will cause you to sub-consciously act in a way that will most likely prove you right. With these beliefs, you are likely to invest less energy, less time, and much less commitment. With each passing day, your partner’s actions reinforce your beliefs, but you don’t realize that your partner has noticed your lack of complete commitment.
This has also caused them to hold back. They feel you are not taking the relationship seriously. If you don’t give 100%, why should they? In the end, the outcome fits perfectly into the picture you designed from the beginning, and you think you’re right. No. You could be wrong.
Partners who are insecure and suspect their spouse of cheating are more likely to act and say things to their partners that cause the partners to feel uncomfortable, unappreciated, and withdrawn. The behavior that comes with suspicion does one thing: it drives partners away from them. This increases the likelihood that they will be unfaithful.
You want to mind what you think of people and your preconceived notion of them. Even though it's subconscious, it will appear in your attitude towards them. And they’re more likely to prove you right in their reaction.
Closing thoughts…
Not everything is set in stone. We should be careful not to be creators of our own heartache. Keep this always in mind; no man can promise us perfection and constant ecstasy.
Take everyone that comes your way with a pinch of salt.
Take everything you hear with a pinch of salt.
Have all expectations with a pinch of salt.
Every time you go on a date, meet someone or start a new job, remember that self-fulfilling prophecy is always at your service. Positive beliefs create a positive attitude. And a positive attitude increases the chance of a positive outcome. And while that chance may be small, it is certainly higher than what a negative belief and attitude promises.
If you enjoyed reading this piece, I am positive you’ll get a kick reading The #1 Thing You Should Consider Before You Choose a Partner
