Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of choosing a partner who is committed to personal growth and is capable of providing intellectual and emotional nurturing for children.

Abstract

The author reflects on the paradox of an information-rich age coupled with a lack of personal development, particularly in the context of choosing a life partner. The article contrasts two scenarios of parenting: one where a child is pacified with mindless entertainment, and another where a child is engaged with educational content, suggesting that the latter fosters a culture of growth and self-awareness. It argues that a suitable partner should not only complement the individual but also contribute positively to the upbringing of their potential children, prioritizing emotional maturity and a commitment to self-improvement over superficial attributes. The author posits that the societal issues we face are deeply rooted in a lack of responsible parenting and an absence of self-awareness, advocating for a more conscientious approach to relationships and family life.

Opinions

The author believes that the ease of access to knowledge in modern times does not necessarily translate to widespread personal growth.
Parents who prioritize educational and self-improvement activities for their children over passive entertainment are more likely to raise well-rounded individuals.
A partner's potential as a parent is a crucial factor to consider, as their influence will shape the next generation.
The article suggests that individuals who are not growing personally are likely to be unaware of the importance of self-awareness and emotional maturity in a relationship.
The author implies that a society's well-being is closely linked to the quality of parenting and the values instilled in children from a young age.
There is a critique of the cultural trend that values freedom without a corresponding emphasis on responsibility, particularly in the context of raising children.
The author advocates for a deliberate and thoughtful approach to choosing a life partner, one who is not only a match for the individual but also a suitable parent for future children.

The #1 Thing You Should Consider Before You Choose a Partner

Your marriage is not about you

Photo by Jorge Fakhouri Filho from Pexels

One thing that runs through my mind and saddens my heart is the increase of ignorance in an age of profound and unlimited access to knowledge. We live in an age where knowledge is practically free. You can read a blog post about how to manage your emotions or what to look for in a good partner in the same amount of time it takes to commute home from work.

Yet we have people who can’t seem to be bothered.

We used to have parents buying books and library cards for their kids. We now have parents buying iPads and Netflix passes for their kids.

The other day, at my aunt’s store, a really young mom, I’m guessing in her early 20s, had her baby playing along to hip-hop music videos on YouTube. Every time the video stops playing, the kid bursts into a cry. Until the next video starts playing again. I asked the mother, “how old is the child?” “5 months old.” She said.

I pressed her further as to why she cries whenever the video stops. “She likes it a lot. And that’s the only way I get to keep her occupied and from crying.” She told me. “The only way?” I said to myself.

Let’s contrast that to another experience I had during the summer of 2019.

A man walked into our restaurant with his wife and young son of about 6 years old. They were dressed like every other regular citizen. Nothing fancy. Just t-shirts but with rich friendly smiles.

The son had headphones on while on a tab-like device. He was so engrossed in his device that the father had to tap his hands to respond to me as I took his order.

Later on, we got talking. I realised he was listening to an audiobook. The device he was holding was a Kindle book. The father told me he too is astounded by how much the son reads. “I am not complaining though.” He joked. “I’ll rather have them reading all day than watching pointless videos on YouTube or TikTok.” He added.

I was impressed.

My impression of the young boy changed almost immediately. I ended up getting some book recommendations from the man and his son. We were able to hold a conversation about life, raising kids, politics and history. It was an interesting conversation with a sound family.

The sharp contrast between these two parenting has nothing to do with our ability to show love or attract a partner. But everything to do with the quality of our mind. There is no mistake between a child who ends up being the president of a nation and one who ends up slaying on Instagram and posting TikTok videos. Our kids will always produce in adulthood the fruits we sow into them as infants; whether we feed them pages of books or twerk YouTube videos of Beyonce.

Who we are is one thing. Who we choose as our partner is another. Choosing a partner should never be about you only. In my country, we say, “do not choose a partner that is beautiful for you. Choose one that’s wonderful for your kids.”

How then do you choose a partner or handle a relationship with one who isn’t growing?

The only reason you noticed in the first place that your partner isn't growing, is if you're growing yourself.

Often, most people who go into relationships are completely oblivious to the idea of self-awareness, the possibility and necessity of growth. With such a shallow understanding of human potential, the relationship isn't seen as a potential place for growth.

While choosing a partner, you must understand that not everyone cares about this self-help sermon we preach. Most people see relationships either as an avenue not to feel lonely, or a place where they can recreate or have all the sexual pleasure and their emotional needs met.

Few traits differentiate people with regards to motivation for why they seek love and intimacy.

I have seen people who got married as early as 20 years of age. These people go into early marriage for a few reasons. Some are due to financial hardship or usually due to abuse from home and seek comfort and intimacy elsewhere.

Another group of people wait and take a long time before settling down. Though most people who fall under this group seek financial stability first. However, it also shows they possess a good enough understanding of what comes with marriage and intimacy.

However, a smaller group has a different reason for delaying relationships, marriage, and intimacy. This group of people are those who understand the intricacies and ramifications that come with choosing a life partner. These people are not only interested in marrying a woman for themselves, but also a mother for their children. They understand that what they produce as a couple will live beyond them.

So they have the wisdom to take their time and choose wisely. Often it is this group of people who start talking about marriage and serious relationships at the age of 24 to 30.

This article does not seek to speak about age in getting married, rather it seeks to draw attention to the kind of partner you choose, regardless of age.

However, a person determined to invest in their offspring will take their time to get intimate with someone. They understand that providing care for the offspring starts with giving them the best parent, to begin with.

The moral and social tragedy we see in society today, at least to a large degree, is due to parents who lack the understanding of parenting.

A person who lacks self-awareness and never reads has no idea what it means to be emotionally mature or concerned with one’s own development; how can such a person understand the intricacies of human psychology and the complexities involved in shaping a child’s behaviour?

Most of the problems we face in our society are due to little things like this that we ignore.

Where we fail is where we preach freedom to young adults without also preaching responsibility.

I’ll end on this note, a partner who is not self-aware and doesn't live in a world where he understands the necessity of self-growth would not mind dating anyone.

But a man or woman who is educated and understands human beings and our propensity for chaos due to indiscipline and bad habits will most likely not settle for a partner who is not interested in self-knowledge and growth. I talk a lot about self-knowledge because that is the foundation for growth. You can only fix the problem that you are aware of.

As you advance in life, there will come a time when you will want to settle down and make a home. Remember, your marriage is not just for you. It is your responsibility to create not only a home for your children but two parents who are both intellectually and emotionally capable of raising good children.

We will successfully eliminate most of the problems in our society if we take responsibility more seriously in our homes.

Acknowledgement and thanks to KTHT for inspiring this article.