This is how you recover from infidelity

Infidelities happen. This is how you can recover from them.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our relationships can form a critical piece of who we are, and when we discover infidelity within them, it can cause us to flounder and struggle on a number of different levels. Relationships are complex and, when they run into problems, the solutions we find for them can also be complex too. Troubled relationships are nothing new, but that does not mean fixing them feels any easier or more pleasant.

When our relationships hit the rocks or fall prey to cheating, there’s steps we can take to save them, but those steps often require a healthy dose of honesty and radical dose of acceptance. Overcoming infidelity is more of a solo game than a team sport, but we do have to include our partners when it comes down to reshaping the perspecting that’s been torn asunder by their cheating. If you’ve been hurt by a partner that couldn’t stay faithful, find yourself again by cultivating the understanding and know-how you need to reconnect and thrive.

The hurt sets in.

Infidelity occurs when one partner strays outside the bounds of the marriage or relationship, breaking a promise or vow to remain faithful either emotionally or sexually (or both). These promises can be both spoken or unspoken, and can include a range of behaviors or activities that cause pain or injury to the victim. It’s a big-upset event, and one that can seriously undermine our happiness and sense of trust and contentment.

People cheat for a number of reasons, but those reasons rarely have any bearing when it comes to the fallout. When an infidelity is discovered, it can erode the faith and trust of both partners; but it seriously erodes the happiness and joy the other partner involved. Getting cheated on leaves us in an oblivion of confusion, anger, guilt doubt and shame — emotions which can only be overcome by digging deep and reconnecting with our own personal power.

Serious consequences of getting cheated on.

Getting cheated on isn’t an event to take lightly. As a matter of fact, it’s an extremely serious breech of trust that can take a real toll on our mental, physical and emotional health. When we find out that our partner has strayed outside the relationship, it erodes our sense of trust and intimacy…but it can also do so much worse.

Loss of trust and intimacy

When one partner strays, it can create an immediate loss of trust and intimacy that leaks into every other facet of your life. Our romantic relationships can often become the bedrock on which we build our lives, and infidelity causes that to be shattered irreperably. Everything is different after an affair, and that destroys the things we thought we could believe in. This loss of trust can follow you into friendships, work relationships or even future romantic relationships you find yourself in; slowing undermining your happiness day after day, year after year.

Shame and / or guilt

Though we don’t often consider it, guilt and shame are two of the biggest consequences of infidelity. The person who cheats can feel these emotions, but the person who gets cheated on can feel them too. When a partner strays outside of the relationship, it can make the other partner feel inadequate, insecure or embrassed. We can see it as a mark against our own character, or own abilities as someone’s spouse or helpmeet. Though these feelings might be irrational, it can be hard to see that in the fallout of a relationship shattered.

Isolation

Pain takes a serious toll on our mental and physical health, but it also forces us to cripple ourselves socially, or pull away from the people that might otherwise make us feel better. It’s no different after you find out your partner has been unfaithful. When we discover that our spouse has cheated, the pain, guilt and shame associated with the fallout can make us pull away from the friends and family that can help us find ourselves again.

Illness

When we’re struggling in the wake of a longterm relationship breakdown, we can find ourselves dealing with aches and pains or struggling to get by in general. This is because a breakup actually activates areas of the brain that are normally stimulated by physical pain, meaning that your brain can process such serious emotional pain as real, physical trauma. When someone says their “heart is aching” they aren’t really lying. That’s how their brain processes the grief of losing someone who was so important to them. Even worse? A partner straying outside the boundaries of the relationship can result in sexually transmitted diseases that further impact their partner’s physical health.

Why people cheat.

Infidelity happens for many reasons, and it happens to every type of person. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to make your relationship “perfect” and it doesn’t matter how much you attend to your partner’s needs. Love and romance are very different and very complex things, and they become even more complex when coupled with the dynamism of modern living. People cheat for different reasons, but the results are always the same: pain, pain and more pain for all involved.

Shifting priorities

As humans, we all have different goals and different priorities in our lives. For some, their focus will forever be on work and advancing themselves in their chosen career. For others, they will forever be chasing the perfect family and that picket fence in the suburbs. We all have our priorities, but it is imperative that those priorities align or compliment one another in order for our relationships to thrive. When priorities become too drastically diverged, it can cause a dramatic rift that can push one partner into the outer realms — try as you might to keep them in the game.

Trust issues

Loss of trust is one of the most harmful contagions in any relationship and one of the most common reasons we start to wonder outside the bounds of our own relationships. Trust issues can stem from many factors, including childhood trauma, but it always results in some unsavory behaviors that can be damaging not only to ourselves but our partners and families as well. When we start to believe that we can’t trust our partners with our best interests, we begin to look for that person elsewhere.

Clashing expectations

We change and, as we change, the things we want from life and the people around us change too. The key to happiness is realizing this, and realizing too that everything is impermanent. Almost all misery in our life comes from a failure of expectations, or a refusal to accept things as they are.Everything changes, including our relationships. Nothing is necessarily forever and nothing is ever guaranteed. When we don’t observe and manage this change, the rifts grow large enough to include uninvited guests into the partnership.

Growing apart

Sometimes, things just get stale or boring for us and it causes us to pull away from someone that once thrilled us. Obligations distract us and time passes quickly. Once you’ve finished struggling up the hill together there’s barely any time to congratulate one another before you realize you’re no longer standing next to the smae person you started the journey with. Partners grow apart, and in this space they can find themselves growing toward other people. While this isn’t necessarily wrong, it is wrong to cultivate that growth when you’re still planted in someone else’s garden.

Failure to communicate

Communication is one of the most critical pieces of any successful relationship (and one of the most common reasons they break down).Numerous studies have identified communication as one of the primary reasons couples seek therapy, as well as one of the biggest reasons they seek divorce or separation. The way you communicate with your partner can be one of the biggest indicators of where your partnership is and where it’s going. If you treat one another regularly with contempt, then odds are there’s a poison somewhere that’s eating away at your connection...and that can lead to infidelity.

Selfishness

As hard as the truth might be to swallow, some partners cheat strictly because they are self-centered and don’t care about the feelings or needs of those around them. Though we would like to believe that all infidelity has a root cause that can be shared or amended, sometimes people are just bad people. Likewise, they can also suffer from a number of personality disorders that make it impossible for them to see and process the emotions and thoughts of those they are supposed to care about.

How to recover from infidelity.

If you’ve discovered that your partner or spouse has been unfaithful, you can recover and find yourself again with some deep digging and introspection. By creating space, getting honest about how you’re feeling, and realistically assessing where you’re at and where you want to go — you can get back to a happiness that is entirely your own, and form a plan of action and healing.

1. Space, space, and more space

Recovering from a newly-discovered iinifidelity isn’t an overnight affair. It’s a long road, with lots of twist and turns, and it takes some nuanced navigating to make it work successfully. We all choose how we allow ourselves to be treated, and we make those choices through the setting and communication of boundaries. When those boundaries are violated, though — as they are when a partner is unfaithful — you have to take a step back and start creating the space you need to feel safe, secure and respected once more.

Create some space between you and your partner and let them know that you need to be on your own to start the journey of planning what happens next. Try to look at the individual (and their behavior) from a removed, distant place. If this person was not your partner or your spouse, would you allow them to betray you in such a serious way? The only way to get the honest answers that you need is to put some space between yourself and this other person, so you can honestly assess how you’re feeling and what you think.

That’s not to say you can just stop calling and just stop showing up. When it comes to our partners, we can be closely tied and have a lot of obligations that keep us traveling forever in one another’s orbit. If this is the case, work hard simply to get more time to yourself. If you live with this person, ask them to clear the house for a weekend, or make sure you remove yourself from the environment (and individual) each day. Go on a short walk that allows you to create just few minutes of your own quiet universe. By clawing out this space for us, we can better clarify how we need to proceed with our spouse or partner.

2. Keep talking (no matter how long it takes)

When we discover an infidelity, our first reaction is normally to talk — but we often don’t talk about the right things. Talking in the wake of a shattered relationship is necessary, but it’s important that it’s handled with care and with extreme mental and emotional focus. Only after you’ve had some time to assess how you’re feeling can you approach your partner with the right dialogue to facilitate healing…but that’s a process with some nuance.

Once you’re clear on how you’re feeling, let your partner know it’s time to talk and let them know that you don’t care how long it takes. Ask a lot of questions; get the information that you need and use that information to honestly analyze and assess your relationship and what you need moving forward toward your future.

Pick a time that works for both of you, and find a space that’s both safe and interruption-free. Set a time limit of 15–30 minutes for each stage, but take things slowly and in phases. Talk about how you’ve been impacted, but leave room for the other person to also express how they’re feeling or why they did what they did. Chip away at the problem until there’s some kind of resolution for someone — be that walking away and starting again, picking up the pieces, or scheduling another conversation for another day.

3. Take responsibility for your happiness

One of the greatest lessons we can learn from a cheating spouse or partner is how to take responsibility for our own happiness. Too often, we base our happiness and our needs off of the identification we find through a romantic relationship. In these intense, tunnel-visioned partnerships, we lose sight of what really matters to us, and we lose sight of the things that might otherwise bring us happiness and authentic identity. When a partner strays from the relationship, it’s a sign that it’s time to start creating your own happiness again. Happiness and joy that can’t be interrupted by the actions of others.

We create immunity to the poorest behaviors of our partners by getting back in touch with our authentic sense of purpose, while also stepping up to the plate to take responsibility for our own happiness. Though we like to think that others can give us happiness or a sense of purpose, that is something that can only be found and solidified from within yourself.

Stop looking to your partner to be your happiness. Stop looking to them to take care of your emotional needs, and stop looking them to ensure you get the things you want in this life. We are each responsible for our own futures, so come back from your heartache by getting proactive about yours. Distract yourself from the pain by letting go of your need for outer fulfillment. Discover the things within yourself that empower you to make a better tomorrow, and reconnect with your authentic sense of joy.

4. Embrace your support lines

The support systems we maintain outside our romantic relationships are important, but they become especially important in the wake of a breakup or relationship crack. Our friends and family keep us grounded, and help us to maintain a perspective that is a little more realistic than it might otherwise be. When we’re injured by a partner, they are they first (and the best) people we can run too, and they can often provide the insight that empowers us to heal.

Embrace the support lines you have outside of your relationship. Really dig into them, and reach out to those close friends and family that you know you can trust. Open up to them, and let them know that you’re hurting and let them know that you need help. You don’t have to give them all the nitty-and-gritty details, but you should share enough to allow the to understand what’s going on.

Even though it might be painful or scary to open up to our support systems about an infidelity in our partnership, it’s an important step in healing. Don’t let that false guilt and shame hold you back from opening up. If you’ve been cheated on — that action has absolutely no reflection on you, whatsoever. If you’re someone who’s cheated — sh*t happens. Be candid and be real. Don’t try to make things seem better than they are. Share what’s going on with someone you trust and watch your perspective shift dramatically.

5. Focus on gratitude

Gratitude is one of the greatest skills we can learn and it has some truly transformative powers that can boost the quality of our lives. Being grateful in this modern age can be a challenge, however, when you’re suffering with the pain and insecurity of an infidelity newly discovered.

At the most basic of levels, gratitude is an emotion that is akin to appreciation, and it can do everything from boosting your mental resilience to helping you to sleep better at night (even when you just found out your partner is cheating). More than just saying “thanks” or focusing on big-picture things that make things “okay”, true gratitude requires us to dig deep and look at both actions and emotions.

Step back from your partner and pull back emotionally from what they’ve done. Get specific about the things in your life that still bring you happiness, and really reconnect with those things until you can feel them in your body. Let go of those things in the past that bring you pain, and don’t get hyper-focused on a future that’s fuzzier than ever. Center yourself on the present moment, and embrace the new challenges that are standing before you. It is through our adversity that we find our strength. Infidelity is just one more adversity that forges us in its fire. Get grateful and embrace the ride.

6. Don’t forgive too quickly

Most self-help articles will tout the power of forgiving the people that hurt us, but too often they lose sight of the importance of forgiving ourselves.Suffering a relationship breakdown doesn’t just result in a loss of trust in others. It results in a loss of trust in ourselves. When we suffer these types of breakups, we often take that as a personal mark against who we are — coming to doubt ourselves in ways that are both toxic and self-defeating.

Don’t forgive too quickly — but do learn how to forgive. The true forgiveness you need to seek in the flaming wreckage of a betrayal is your own. As humans, we are prone to mistakes and missteps. No one is perfect and no one ever makes all the right choices in the right moments. Take this experience as the learning opportunity that is and have enough compassion with yourself to allow for upsets along the way.

Forgiving yourself does not mean accepting the mistakes you made or the pitfalls you fell into. It simply means detaching from the pain, bitterness and rage that’s buried deep, deep within you; eating away at who you are the future you have planned for yourself. Harboring hatred only stifles your progress. Forgive yourself and empower yourself to make the changes you need in your life and relationships.

Putting it all together…

Betrayal is a silent plague that creeps in when we least expect it,undermining all of our relationships little-by-little until we are isolated, hopeless and devoid of compassionate trust and understanding. Experiencing the disloyalty of a partner, friend or family member can feel like a death sentence and — in some ways — it is. We can overcome it, however, by reconnecting with ourselves and taking action to create the lives we want.

Once the infidelity is recognized, the first thing you have to do is give yourself (and your partner) some space to process you feelings and thoughts. Though the urge is to immediately jump into the deep-end, creating space allows us to more logically analyze how we feel about being cheated on, and how we want to proceed going forward. Only after you give yourself space and time to think should you open up a dialogue and get the feedback and information that you need in order to start the healing process or get closure. Take responsibility for your own happiness and remove yourself from a relationship that is flawed beyond repair. Lean into your support networks, and share the heavy emotions and thoughts that might be following you through this troubled time. They can provide us with the perspective we need to overcome the pain of infidelity, but we have to open up to them. Focus on gratitude, and start your path to forgiveness when you’re ready — starting with the person who matters most…you. Infidelity is hard thing to come back from, but it’s possible with perseverance and the knowledge that you will survive. Embrace your power and move forward to create a future that is entirely your own.