FILM, HORROR
‘Thir13en Ghosts’ is Childhood to Me
Reminiscing with a tremendously failed horror is fun sometimes.
I had this idea the other night at 11:32 PM to re-watch “Thir13en Ghosts”. So I did what every decent cinephile would do and looked it up to put my virtual hands on it quickly.
You see, back in 2001, my little puberty brain didn’t know anything about critics and film reviews, but it knew one thing: I adored monsters. And say anything you want about this crooked, soulless, and predictable horror-flick, but GOD it had some cool monsters. All what mattered to me.
Of course, critics loathed it (Roger Ebert put it on his “Most Hated Movies” list), some people disliked it, and then there were me and my besties who freaking loved every precious minute of it — back then when I was 12, and now too, when I’m 30.
Thir13en Ghosts” (genius title) is like a fleek tattoo without any meaning. As Ebert wrote, “All craft and little art.” A tattoo that you’d regret after turning 17, but up until that point you’d be the coolest little punk with your Nirvana T-shirt and torn black jeans.
“Thir13en Ghosts” is a remake (directed by Steve Beck who worked on James Cameron’s “The Abyss” as an effect art director, and that’s all you need to know) made for kids, horror fans, and metalheads. Apparently, the sound effects in the movie were so loud in the theater that it physically hurt the viewer’s ears. Luckily, watching it home, I had the superpower of the remote.
However, even the most disgruntled critics praised the film’s production values, set designs, and terrifying make-ups (which took several hours to apply). And that, 19 years later, still works like a charm. A dark, fleshy, and gory charm. The atmosphere of a huge mansion made out of glass with Latin spells written on them, containing ghosts that looked like they came out of Clive Barker’s sickest dreams. Yummy.
The movie’s script would fit a video game better as an excuse for a story while you’re chased by tortured and traumatized spirits. Each worth a one-hour discussion with your therapist afterward. For Christ’s sake people, it’s a B-movie, get over it or put “The Shining” in your DVD player if you want “real” horror. Leave this for us, kids.
The film’s cast is full of familiar faces led by SCREAMingly famous Matthew Lillard, an arrogant wise-crack psychic, who explains for the rest of the characters (the mandatory sexy chic, an African-American, an innocent kid, and everyone’s favorite TV-detective with OCD, Monk) why these poor souls are trapped in here.
Personally, I got every dummy I need here to enjoy a B-movie, but I understand if some of you have doubts. Keep them, I’m good.
Today’s horror directors could learn a bunch from that few minutes, showcasing how to get through mandatory introductions (without losing half an hour), and then maybe we’d still have some horrors without exceeding the often unnecessary 2-hour runtime today.
Besides the horrifying make-ups and atmosphere, I must mention the exposition that sums up what we need to know about the characters (as far as backstories go) in the fastest way possible. Today’s horror directors could learn a bunch from that few minutes, showcasing how to get through mandatory introductions (without losing half an hour), and then maybe we’d still have some horrors today without exceeding the often unnecessary 2-hour runtime.
Sometimes we just want all hell to break loose and see some blood as quickly as possible.
“Thir13en Ghosts” was a buffet for horror-fans; broken bones, cringey one-liners, “behind-you-jumpscares”, and a ton of blood-soaked fun. I remember I couldn’t wait to get home from the video store and put it in the VCR to earn some concerned look from my parents. Golden times. Do yourself a favor if you want to turn off your mind and indulge in some nostalgia and watch it.
Now, I’ll go and dig up my dusty “Scream” copy because I’m in the mood.
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