FILM
5 Critically Acclaimed Movies That Killed My Soul
No, not in a good way.
Do you know the feeling when you’re supposed to enjoy a movie because of its widely popular reception by critics and the audience? When you’re afraid to go against the crowd by sharing your opinion, risking raised eyebrows and hateful looks. You’d rather not say how bad Black Panther was because it had even won 3 Oscars. I’m serious, don’t laugh.
The time has come. Let’s break the silence!
Friday the 13th (1980)
Jason bored me to death.
As a teenager, I spent whole summers catching up with old-school, genre-defining horror films such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare on the Elm Street, or Evil Dead. The hockey-mask-wearing Jason was long overdue, referred to as the king of slashers.
King of slashers, my ass!
The murders are unimaginative, the atmosphere is dull, and Jason kills his victims with the enthusiasm of a high school math teacher. Just so you know, in this first installment, there is no mask either. Even in the next chapter, Jason wears a fricking potato bag on his head. I love classic horrors, but this franchise was always as interesting to me as a dead fly on the floor. No thrill, no suspense, no fun — no, thanks.
Happiness (1998)
I was tortured to be unconsciously happy.
The early 2000s, summer break. I’m chilling in the cool living room, no internet, just a pile of illegal DVDs from a friend sitting on the TV stand. I choose this movie because I’ve seen almost everything else from the pile. I don’t know yet what a life-changing act that will be.
I wasn’t ready for this, but I knew that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a great actor. However, everyone makes mistakes, wrong choices, bad films. I’d tell you what the movie was about, but the truth is, it’s been a personal trauma that I managed to bury deep in my subconscious. (Thanks, Amanda, you’ve been a superb therapist to me!) My recollection is hollow and fragmented, and I only remember that I was crawling on the floor like a victim in a horror film when the last scene occurred.
What a torture, what an ironic title.
A Serious Man (2009)
“Dude, it’s the Coen Brothers.”
My relationship with films made by the Coen brothers is pretty much hit-or-miss. Usually, this means 3 miss and a huge hit. No Country for Old Men, for instance, is almost a masterpiece. A frighteningly real adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s novel. That’s probably the nicest compliment a Coen movie is ever going to receive from me. I’m not a fan, sue me.
A Serious Man probably played a huge part in escalating that outcome as my opinion. I barely remember what the plot was, something about a Jewish professor whose life is falling apart. Apparently, this is the Coens’ most personal film. Umm, ok. Maybe growing up they felt the same struggle as this movie caused to me, pushing me to a point where I was considering skin myself alive rather than finish it. So, this was a miss. Probably the biggest one for me.
The Theory of Everything (2014)
When the famous quote “Never go full retard” spiraled endlessly in my head.
I’m sure that Stephen Hawking’s life was interesting. I’m sure that Eddie Redmayne is a talented actor. I’m sure that Felicity Jones is a sexy English woman. I’m sure that the Earth is flat and this is a great film. Wait, what?
When Kirk Lazarus gave his speech back in 2008, he just tried to warn every aspiring actor about the danger of going too deep and method-y with a role. But some people just didn’t listen or, in Eddie Redmayne’s case, certainly haven’t seen Tropic Thunder. It required an immense effort from me to try and find anything relatable in this film, and trust me, I usually do, but it’s been a miracle that I was able to watch it through the end without blinding myself.
The Theory of Everything is as awkward and cringeworthy as it gets.
Bird Box (2018)
I haven’t been this furious since The Happening.
In 2018, the Quiet Place came as a refreshing genre piece, washing over our blood with excitement and terror, while we had to sit dead silent in the dark. Maybe it’s my fault, I was expecting something similar from this dumb adaptation of Josh Malerman’s novel, too.
The whole film is a big anticipation of something remotely exciting. In the 2 hours of its runtime, it NEVER fucking happens.
We struggle through stupid interactions and so-called “action scenes” that made me want to shout at the screen every two minutes. By the end, I was exhausted by all the frustration and disappointment that built up in me. The only mysterious and thought-provoking question that emerged in me was this: Why in the hell was John Malkovich in it in the first place?
As my dad used to say, I’ll leave you with this: “I was only kidding, but take it seriously.”
Watch out for soul-killing movies!
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