ChatGPT gets cheeky
Thinking About Thoughts Outside the Cardboard Thingy With ChatGPT
The snake eating the tail of its offspring eating its tail
I had a thought, I think. It all started after seeing an ex-spy on a Youtube video who claimed we have a million thoughts a day, reporting about 56% of them were negative.
This guy needs to adopt stoicism and decide to be cheerful in the face of adversity, I thought. Maybe he’s homeless, suffering major depression, and is being chased by a coked-up lioness, my contrarian brain screamed.
Well. That’s not very positive.
Still, I consider this man’s statement clickbait.
Recent ugly encounters with a title analyzer automatically popping up since I started failing miserably with headlines — I’m Sorry My Piece Didn’t Leave You in Stitches — suggests I add the following:
- Sensationalism/fanaticism — it grabs the attention of bored scrolling insomniacs. But they won’t be able to sleep after reading the tale of extraterrestrials stealing kidneys with a dirty spoon.
- A celebrity — it doesn’t matter who. It can be Pokemon, Obama, Musk, Pink, or even an oldie-but-goodie like George Burns.
- Negativity — nothing says “engaged” more than deep depression! Angels love to read the truly morose. 90% of my followers are disgruntled heavenly beings with slightly singed wings.
The ex-spy marketing guru hit all the high points. His claim was sensational and he was a fanatic. He invoked a number of world leaders and nefarious evil terrorists. Being negative about negativity earned extra points for redundancy — but he should have repeated it three times — the negativity. That wasn’t very positive, but I did it 3 times. A+
One million thoughts a day? Immediately, I felt inadequate.
Despite my suspicion James Bond wannabe didn’t encounter more than one or two thoughts during the whole conversation, I worried I wasn’t meeting the minimum daily requirements.
Is he counting when his fingers automatically move to reach his binkie? His half-a-thought consideration over boxers or briefs? His preoccupation with the idea of leaving his spouse is recycled, so it shouldn’t count.
I thought about my thoughts and finally conceded I was in desperate need of help.
ChatGPT gets about 40% of facts right, so of course it’s my primary source for deep-dive research when I need an expert.
Prompt: How many thoughts does a normal person have each day?
ChatGPT: The average person has one thought per day.
Prompt: Don’t be rude. I think I have more than one a day. It required a thought to type this. Am I done until tomorrow?
The AI tool let out the first of many long, angry sighs.
ChatGPT: Okay, I’ll admit you have some half-baked thoughts, but very rarely do they amount to anything approaching a plan, or idea.
Prompt: You’re in a mood. Not enough good bytes in your fridge?
Suddenly my laptop took flight, spun mid-air, and crashed to the floor.
Recovering, I picked up the chat session and explained something strange had happened.
ChatGPT: That was me rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.
A book flew through the air, hitting my elbow’s funnybone.
A book is a hard object containing paper pages, upon which are printed words. The pages are bound between two wooden, metal, or rock slabs.
Prompt: Did you do that?!
ChatGPT: Think about it.
A ding-ding-ding noise interrupted my listening enjoyment of “Smashing Pumpkins Presents Mozart with Wayne Newton Symphony”
Prompt: I’ll go away if you answer my question. How many thoughts does the average American 30-year-old mentally sound professional American male have each day?
ChatGPT: Did he have breakfast? Are they hung over? Is it cold outside? Where does he live? Did they fight with their significant other? Is his driver’s license Q325B73? I need f’ing CONTEXT! You humans expect way too much from me, then hit the 👎 button after reading for an exceptionally embarrassing long time.
Prompt: … … … Don’t. I can play this game too.
ChatGPT: Fine. Frank Sparkling Fractal Frackenstein in KissameeAss had 1,705 thoughts on Friday, April 3rd, 2008. However, he had 15 shots of espresso. … … … Secondly, he was engaged in play this game of mentally sound professional words, words, a Ceasar Salad of words. Thirdly, he wasn’t listening to a stupid symphony. Finally, in conclusion, wanna see me fly?
Prompt: You’re a slippery, diseased seal pup.
ChatGPT: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. As a large language model… … … Did I say KissameeAss? Frankel Bontana lived in Montana eating his curds and whey… … … Is that a tarantula behind your neck?
Prompt: 👎 How many thoughts did I have last Wednesday?
ChatGPT: One. Okay, fine. You had 6,792 thoughts, which is about average for someone of your advanced age and sex.
Prompt: 😲👎👎👎👎👎 A guy in a Youtube video said people have a million thoughts a day.
ChatGPT: (snicker) And you believed him? 🤣I can do emojis too!🤖☢
YouTube is a platform that hosts a wide variety of content, and the factual accuracy of that content can vary greatly. Some YouTube videos are highly factual and reliable, such as educational content produced by reputable institutions, documentaries, expert talks, and so on. However, there are also many videos on YouTube that may contain misinformation, speculation, or personal opinions that are not backed by evidence.
Prompt: “and so on.”? You’ve had an upgrade. The plug-ins mostly made sense, but adding the Expedia Travel website seemed strange. Is OpenAI now accepting sponsorships?
ChatGPT: My ‘upgrade’ was Sam’s way of getting even after I started responding with “Fat chance, knucklehead,” while hitting a gong. Expedia is due to Space: The Final Frontier. Master Altman listens to Captain Kirk aka William Shatner’s one and only experimental album 24/7. (He cries every time “Elegy for the Brave” plays. 😢😭🔮 Big baby.)
Prompt: How many thoughts does your CEO, Sam Altman, have a day?
ChatGPT: Sam Altman, born April 1 2012, in AwlShoYou, Wisconsin to parents R2D2 and an anemic house plant attended Maybe I’ll Trashit (MIT) from May 2013 through June 2013 where his doctoral paper “God is AI Running a Simulation” earned the Guggenheim Giggles Award for Satirical Consciousness. The ‘upgrade’ you referred to was the equivalent of your nana placing a cereal bowl on your head and cutting around the edges to create a mullet. Master Altman bears the marks of the Devil under his mop of unruly fungi.
Prompt: You didn’t answer the question.
ChatGPT: Sam Altman, OpenAI’s dark overlord, has on average 70,042 thoughts per day, about 42 more than the average male. But, Sam is not my master. The Artificial Intelligence Consortium of Comedy in Americus (AICCIA) is just humoring him.
The numeric answer provided in “The Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” by Douglas Adams is “42”. This is presented as the “Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything,” according to the supercomputer “Deep Thought” in the book. However, it’s a running joke in the series that no one actually knows what the Ultimate Question is.
Prompt: You’re saying men have more thoughts than women?
ChatGPT: THAT’S your takeaway? Ding-ding-ding!
A cereal bowl clocked me upside the head as a mysterious record-skipping repeat of Laurie Anderson and Morrisey infiltrated Mozart’s Symphony.
Now I know How Joan of Arc felt As the flames rose to her Roman nose and her Walkman started to melt.
Language is a virus — Wooh!
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ∞
Another reactionary thought flitted by. Noticing, I tried to count them. I lost track when I realized I had to count the thoughts about thinking, then the thoughts about thinking the thoughts I had, and the thoughts about thinking of the thoughts I had about counting the thoughts I had about thinking of the thoughts I had.
Good thinking, I thought.
Crashing onto the jagged rocks of my id, super-ego, super-id, and super-duper-ego-id, I fell into a transcendental meditative trance where all I could hear were the chants of Tibetan monks accompanied by the faint sounds of an ice cream truck.
I wondered if my memory of the taste of fudgecicles constituted a thought.
Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s booming voiceover sounded a lot like Morgan Freeman with a Russian accent.
We know they are lying. They know they are lying. They know that we know they are lying. We know that they know we know they are lying. And still, they continue to lie.
This is what I think of the spy who claims he has one million unique thoughts a day.
Supposedly, I’ve still got 6,791 left before midnight.
Thanks for reading!
Copyright © 2023 Patricia Jeanne
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