There’s a Ghost in My House
Haunting secrets within
There’s a lingering presence, a feeling almost like a memory that haunts me from time to time. It doesn’t show up often, but when it does, I wish it would vanish.
That ghost is me — the younger version of me.
I love her, and I miss her carefree spirit, independence, and youth, but she clouds my judgment.
She thrives on being single, childless, a party girl who falls for compliments. Young, wild, and beautiful.
She doesn’t have to worry about anti-aging creams, serums, or sunscreen.
She’s 24, fertile, while I, at 34, debate having a second child, wondering if my body and mental health can handle it. She’s lucky she doesn’t have to worry about these things.
She’s preoccupied with stacking her hard-earned paper, paying cheap rent, dating, and splurging on the latest cosmetics and endless Jack and Cokes to numb the pain of yet another broken heart.
I’m no longer that person. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve healed.
Still am, it’s a never ending journey.
So why does she still occupy my thoughts, whispering sweet nothings?
Why does she come uninvited?
I envy how much fun she used to be.
The thing is, I don’t want her life; been there, done that. I’ve manifested the life I have today, my family, our home, my gifts and abilities.
She keeps showing up because I long for the person I used to be, the old me. Yet, I’m tired of her constant reminders of how much I’ve changed, how unfamiliar I sometimes feel in my own skin.
She enjoys making me believe I’m not good enough, among other things, and plays tricks on me when I’m in the dark.
All lies.
Can I merge my old self with the new me?
Will that finally put an end to her haunting presence?
One thing I’m certain of is that she’s afraid of what others might think, still searching for herself, not as brave as me; still crying herself to sleep.
She doesn’t know what truly ignites her soul; she lacks the courage to share her writing with the world, even if it’s just with a few loyal readers, or to express her raw emotions like I am doing now.
She’s completely unaware of the incredible woman and mother she’ll transform into, even during her most challenging moments.
Eventually, she’ll figure it all out.
In my journey of self-discovery, I’ve found that real freedom comes from accepting all parts of myself, past and present. It’s something I’m constantly working on.
Some days are easier than others, but staying strong and true to myself is the key to feeling free.
It’s the only way she’ll leave me alone and let me be.
