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o other bird friends. “Wanna see if I can go through this long tunnel?”The riff-raff bird friends say, “Hell yeah we do. Go for it!”Bird then stomps at the top of the fireplace. “I’m going in!” he hollers. “Bombs away!”Realizing he is now spiraling down a dark, dirty tunnel, Bird begins to see the error in his ways. “I’ve made a big mistake,” he thinks to himself.Claustrophobia kicks in. Bird goes nuts. Which way is up? He doesn’t know the concept of gravity so he’s unsure which direction leads him back to freedom.Upset and hysterical, Bird stomps on the metal flue as he paces back and forth. “What to do…what to do…” he frantically thinks. “I know! I’ll yell to my friends for help!”Bird continues his panic-stricken stomping while calling out to his friends. “Yo, bird peeps! Help me out! I’m stuck and I’m going to die! Don’t let Chad eat my worms!” This repeats for around fifteen minutes.Finally, the bird crew stands atop the chimney and peer down. “Yo, Bird, you cool down there? You’ve been there a while.”Hearing the direction of his friends’ voices, Bird stops all stomping and wailing. “Yeah bro, I’m cool. I’m just checking out this gnarly cavern. It’s pretty wild. But I’ll come up now.”By then, I’ve heard the squawking and I rush to the fireplace to see if I can find this mysterious creature. But it’ll be too late because Bird has already flown back to his posse with a baller swagger for doing something so daring.The last thing he wanted was for his friends to think he was a chicken. Because we all know where chickens end up.<div id="7c84" class="link-block"

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There’s a Duck In My Fireplace

Like dude, chill the eff out

I’ve been working from home since March 2020. In the absence of an extra home office, I purchased an unfunctional desk to put in my bedroom for work.

My bedroom has a fireplace in it. And some gnarly stuff has been coming through it.

Last summer bees decided to get their groove on by swarming on down. It’s like I finally had coworkers to socialize with me while working remotely. Those were good times.

Sadly, my bee coworkers stopped coming when the house was tented for termites. Those fuckers jumped ship just because I engulfed them in toxic gas. Snowflakes.

All is not lost. I now have ducks that come down my chimney.

Maybe they’re not ducks. Maybe they’re crows. I dunno. I’m not an ornithologist. They’re invisible to me so all I have to go by is their squawking.

Their bird-like noises begin faintly from the fireplace. I usually don’t even notice them. Then there is mass hysteria with the sound of squawking and stomping around on the metal flue.

I’ve become so accustomed to this daily ritual that I don’t even notice it anymore. I suspect this is what’s going on:

Duck or Crow (let’s call him Bird) stands atop my fireplace. “Hey assholes!” he hollers to other bird friends. “Wanna see if I can go through this long tunnel?”

The riff-raff bird friends say, “Hell yeah we do. Go for it!”

Bird then stomps at the top of the fireplace. “I’m going in!” he hollers. “Bombs away!”

Realizing he is now spiraling down a dark, dirty tunnel, Bird begins to see the error in his ways. “I’ve made a big mistake,” he thinks to himself.

Claustrophobia kicks in. Bird goes nuts. Which way is up? He doesn’t know the concept of gravity so he’s unsure which direction leads him back to freedom.

Upset and hysterical, Bird stomps on the metal flue as he paces back and forth. “What to do…what to do…” he frantically thinks. “I know! I’ll yell to my friends for help!”

Bird continues his panic-stricken stomping while calling out to his friends. “Yo, bird peeps! Help me out! I’m stuck and I’m going to die! Don’t let Chad eat my worms!” This repeats for around fifteen minutes.

Finally, the bird crew stands atop the chimney and peer down. “Yo, Bird, you cool down there? You’ve been there a while.”

Hearing the direction of his friends’ voices, Bird stops all stomping and wailing. “Yeah bro, I’m cool. I’m just checking out this gnarly cavern. It’s pretty wild. But I’ll come up now.”

By then, I’ve heard the squawking and I rush to the fireplace to see if I can find this mysterious creature. But it’ll be too late because Bird has already flown back to his posse with a baller swagger for doing something so daring.

The last thing he wanted was for his friends to think he was a chicken. Because we all know where chickens end up.