If Trump Was a JIRA Admin

Your project is doomed.

In the spirit of If Trump Was a Programmer, what if he branched out and spread his wings across the company? He’s simply the best at everything, no doubt he could handle managing Atlassian software like JIRA, right?

Donald did so, so exceptionally well as a software developer that they insisted he run the project management and bug tracking tool. Here’s how he handled his new gig.

On issue types in JIRA

I’ve decided the only issue types in my JIRA will be Epics. They said, “but we need other issue types”. Why would they need that? Everything I do is epic. Simply epic.

On creating a project backlog

People, we don’t need a backlog. We’re not sitting around doing nothing like Oh-Bah-Ma. We’re working on things now. (Laughs and looks at cronies around him) why would I create a backlog?

On fixing his filter displaying incorrect results

That’s not my filter. I don’t create filters. QA makes the filters, I know nothing about filters. They said, “we want to make the filters” so I said okay, make the filters. And I’m not going to blame myself. I’ll be honest. They are not getting the filters done.

On creating a new project

Oh, now the Portland team wants my help. Well if they want a new project, they can call me up and tell me what a fantastic job I’m doing. They know I’m doing a fantastic job (points to audience at rally). Listen to that crowd, they know I’m doing a fantastic job.

On making a new workflow

I don’t know anything about workflows. (Looks behind him) do we need to give people workflows? If the people want workflows, we give them workflows. I give the Americans what they need.

On fixing a workflow

My workflows are the best workflows. Ask anyone. I know more about workflows than anyone (ignores raised hands from coworkers pointing out that he just said he doesn’t know anything about workflows). They’re so surprised, they say, “we’ve never met someone who understands In Progress and Resolved so well”. I tell them, what can I say…I’m a smart guy. So no, they’re not getting different workflows.

On a user login problem

Who is the user? Min-kyu Choi? Is that a Chinese name? Tell him he spelled his username wrong, it’s “minkyou.choy”. No, I’m not wrong, I work with China all the time. The Chinese people love me. Oh, it’s Korean? Well I can’t tell the Koreans how to spell their own name, I never make mistakes with usernames.

On burndown charts

Look at that. Isn’t it beautiful? Look at those numbers rising. This is how I help the American people. They said it couldn’t be done. But look at it. I made it double in four years.

On deleting a comment on a ticket

I didn’t delete a comment. I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is just another example of fake news completely against me. I don’t know why there’s something in the ticket history saying I deleted a comment. Why would I delete anything? Quite frankly, it’s horrible, absolutely horrible they can say lies about me.

On resolving tickets

We implemented a great new feature, just such a great feature. When someone resolves a ticket, the Assignee automatically switches to me and sends an email to all watchers letting them know that I, Donald Trump, resolved the ticket. It’s just fantastic, a wonderful thing really.

On creating a new issue

We don’t call them “issues” anymore. We call them “opportunities” and “wins”. The American people deserve to have as many wins as possible. And we’re going to give it to them.

On an increase of problem tickets

We’re no longer using JIRA to track our issues. There would be less bugs if people created less tickets. From now on, all tickets will go directly to me, not fake news Quality Assurance, and we’ll use something called an Excel spreadsheet to track them.

On creating a Scrum sprint

Did she…did she just call me scrum? Get that thug out of here, absolutely disgusting. Simply disgusting. (Turns to cronies behind him) can you believe it, calling me scrum like that.

On cleaning up the coffee spill he made in the department kitchen

Do they want paper towels? Sure, we can give them paper towels. Tosses paper towels towards unenthusiastic coworkers.