There’s a Difference Between Being Honest and Being Mean

When is honesty perhaps not the best policy?

“I’m just trying to be honest here. . .”

Isn’t it astounding how good we are at excusing ourselves when we want to hurt someone else?

If I preface or follow my hurtful comment with the claim of being honest, does that make it acceptable? After all, everyone knows that honesty is the best policy. If others can’t take someone being honest with them, surely that’s their fault? They’re either weak, or never learned to accept their own flaws. I’m the stand up guy here. I’m the one who’s being ethical and moral and doing the right thing. I’m sorry if they can’t take it, but that’s a problem that’s in their court not mine.

We have been taught since we were children that honesty is the best policy. Most parents try to impart the value of being honest to their children. In fact, many people believe we have a moral obligation to teach honesty to our children and hold them accountable when they are not honest.

But sometimes honesty can hurt. People we are close to, who truly care about us, can be brutally honest with us and we can take it. We know they have our well-being in mind and take their comments in the manner in which they are intended. Usually friends also are careful in the way they impart their honest opinion, understanding the consequences and trying to minimize the hurt as much as possible.

Unsolicited Criticism vs. Solicited Advice

A friend will tell you if your makeup is too heavy and offer honest advice on how to make it look better. But they’ll only do this if you ask them for their opinion and they’ll do it tactfully. Mean people will tell you that you look like a clown, over exaggerate how “terrible” it looks and how you’re going to make a fool of yourself completely tactlessly, then walk off laughing without providing any useful suggestions for fixing it.

Mean People Are Often Prejudice Believing Their Opinions is Fact, Honest People Are Usually More Open Minded

Mean people are often prejudiced about certain things which becomes apparent when they attempt to pass their opinion off as fact.

“Look, you can live anyway you want to, but you need to stop hiding from the truth. No one is born gay, it’s a choice you’re making and a sinful one at that.”

“No, I understand you don’t want to go to a restaurant that’s too expensive. Jews just don’t like spending their money.”

Nothing about these two statements is honesty. They are prejudicial remarks which someone has made while attempting to hide behind the guise of just being honest. The way they are said also often makes this clear, as they are often stated matter of factly, as if they are obvious truths that everyone knows.

Honest people tend to be more open minded. When the goal is to be honest, they don’t want to believe things that they think are true if they aren’t. If there’s something about you that they aren’t familiar with or they don’t understand, they will want to learn more before deciding what they believe about it. They also will not attempt to utter “honest truths,” about things that define you but which aren’t characteristics that they have.

Honest People Are Genuinely Concerned About Your Well-Being While Mean People Have Ulterior Motives

When a friend is concerned about your safety and lets you know, they are trying to protect you. You might not agree with them or like what they are telling you, but they are only doing it so that you won’t get hurt worse.

If you are dating someone who seems like a prince, but a friend who dated him knew that after a while he could get abusive, telling you may hurt in the short term, but getting you out of the relationship could prevent a lot worse from happening down the line.

When mean people talk about your safety, it’s usually because of their own needs or desires. If they tell you something about someone you are dating, it may be technically true, but taken out of context so that it refers to something else. They may be jealous, or trying to get back at you for something. So if they heard that the person’s hobby was boxing, they might say that he can be violent, and has been known to hit a lot of people he has been in relationships with.

Mean People Use Honesty to Hurt You Not Help You

If you feel like someone is clearly trying to hurt your feelings, control or manipulate you, they are being mean. This is especially true if when you get upset, they invalidate our feelings, saying you’re being overly sensitive and that they’re just being honest.

If a friend says something that hurts you, they will notice it and be compassionate. They won’t try to purposely hurt you, despite there being times that things someone feels you should know does cause you pain. Someone who genuinely cares will stay with and talk things through to make sure you are okay and you understand that they weren’t trying to hurt you.

Standing Up For Yourself to Correct Something Isn’t Being Mean

It can be hard to stand up in front of others and assert the truth in order to correct something that was said about you. This is especially true for women as we’re taught to be polite, nice and kind to others and asserting ourselves to correct someone doesn’t feel like any of those things.

Bullies who use honesty in ways that hurt others will tell people who stand up for themselves, that they are overreacting or that they are being rude, aggressive or crazy. But you aren’t. You’re telling people that you don’t like how they’re behaving, and that you are not willing to stand for it.

Are You Using Emotions As a Weapon

We wouldn’t purposely inflict physical pain on someone, in the name of honesty would we? But somehow we feel it’s alright to inflict emotional pain. However, we know that emotional pain and physical pain are perceived in the same way by our brains. When you say something mean, hiding behind the excuse of being honest, you should take an honest look at your behavior and ask yourself, “Am I using emotions as a weapon?” You can determine your motives for being honest by asking yourself a few questions.

Does the Person Really Need to Know?

The first thing to consider is whether or not the person really needs to know whatever it is you are going to be honest about. You may have heard people say that you can lie by commission or by omission, meaning that saying nothing is just as dishonest as actually telling a lie. This is another excuse that people hide behind.

But just because there is information to tell, doesn’t necessarily mean that it always must be told to avoid being dishonest. If the information that you know is going to hurt someone, and won’t benefit the person in any way, then withholding that information can be the kinder option. Most of us are perfectly fine not being told that a couple of people were talking about how they don’t like us behind our backs if it isn’t likely we’ll change the situation. If I need a shot, which you found out about a week ahead of time, please don’t tell me about it. I prefer they just do it without any anticipation on my part!

Am I Respecting Individual Differences and the Person’s Preferences for Information?

When I wrote the last couple of sentences above, I was just trying to interject some humor into the article. Then I realized that it suggests something that bears mentioning. Sometimes, something you might say would seem fine to most people. But for the person you’re speaking to for whatever reason it would hurt them in some way. So in the example above, since I’m literally phobic of needles and medical procedures, I do best when I don’t have time to think about it and the physician is already doing it by the time they’re telling me about it. If under the guise of honesty, you tell me about some kind of medical procedure I will need to have far in advance, but are aware of the effect it will have on me, that is one of those subtle ways of hurting someone but making it look perfectly legit to others.

We all have things that upset us or hurt us for one reason or another. Others may not know or understand the reasons for it, or even find the reasons silly. Up to that point, so long as you keep it to yourself, it’s fine. But dismissing someone else’s emotions because you don’t think they should be having them given what you’ve said is not okay. Adding insult to injury by telling them that their reaction is ridiculous is definitely not okay. Unless, your intention is to hurt them. Which is absolutely — you guessed it — not okay.

What am I intending with my comments? What am I trying to help correct or change?

There are some who actually believe that they are helping the person by being honest. When you feel the need to be honest with someone, ask yourself about what you think will come from it. Is it information they really need to know for some reason?

For example, maybe they overheard the boss talking about how they were just using the person and as soon as they’d taught the others how to do the job, they were going to fire the person. Have you noticed that the way they interact with you is really negative and aversive and sharing this with them might help improve your relationship as well as the way they interact with others? Do you have a positive reason for being honest or do you really have other motives you might not want to face, such as hurting the person or showing them you can find out whatever you want?

Is it just easier to say what I’m thinking and feeling rather than filtering my thoughts and comments?

Often, we assume that if we are thinking or feeling something then it’s got to be the truth. We also confuse our own needs with what we decide someone else needs. When something happens to upset us, we come up with different explanations for it. Some may upset us which leads us to say things that we haven’t actually checked out.

You like a guy and are sure that our friend had to pick up on that. At a party, you see her accepting a drink from him and they go to a quiet corner and spend a lot of time talking. You become upset, convinced that your friend is trying to steal the person from you. By the time the party’s over, you’ve gotten a head of steam built up. You go over to your friend’s apartment and let her have it.

You don’t take the time to think it through, or calm down. After all, your friend needs to know what she’s done that was wrong. She needs to understand that her actions reflect what a messed up person she is and she needs to work on that. She needs to know how upset you are so she can take responsibility and say what she should under the circumstances to make amends.

In reality your friend doesn’t need any of those things, since she had no idea that you liked this guy in the first place. Those are all your needs. You have decided what the truth is, and instead of taking the time to process and calmly check out your assumptions before laying blame, you decide to be honest with your friend. But you can’t be honest when what you believe to be the truth isn’t.

Am I the right person to be delivering this message?

Sometimes, it might be a good thing for a person to have someone be honest with them about a situation. But are you the right person to do it? Some people love rushing in and announcing inflammatory news or let someone know that they have learned something about them which they are telling them in the name of honesty.

People who try to find out secrets about others, even when it isn’t their business or anyone else’s for that matter then hurry to let them know what they’ve found out, often publicly, just want the attention of being the person in control. They love knowing things that others don’t, and may hold on to their information until it can make the greatest impact. These folks may not be trying to be mean per say, they just don’t care about how it affects the person. They’re only interested in how it can increase their status.

Take Away

Usually, it is best to be as honest as you can with others. This is clearly one of the most important tenants our society is founded on and which helps hold communities together. But at the same time honesty can have teeth, and it can hurt people when used in a way that has nothing to do with the person and everything to do with the one “just trying to be honest.” This is where we cross over into being mean.

When we use honesty as an excuse to hurt someone this is not a virtue, it is just being mean. You may be convinced you are only trying to do the right thing by telling someone the truth, but at the same time you are being completely dishonest with yourself about your real intentions.

Not telling someone something they don’t need to know which will just hurt them vs. lying to yourself about the kind of person you are — which do you think is the worse transgression?

Natalie C. Frank has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. She specializes in Pediatric Psychology and Behavioral Medicine. Her collection of poetry, Disguised I Breathe, In Love I Hold, can be found here on Amazon.

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