There Are 2 Levels of Self-Love — You Need Both

They’re paradoxical but essential.

Last weekend, I nearly cooked my brain by accident. Not by sticking my head into a microwave, but by thinking about the concept of self-love.

I love and accept myself as I am, with all my flaws and quirks. I feel great looking in the mirror every morning. Yet, I still try to change and become better every day. And I’m not the only one who experiences this paradox.

The people who love and accept themselves most are the ones who work hardest on their improvement.

The ones who love their body exercise to get in better shape. The ones who love their work look for feedback. The ones who love themselves strive to become better human beings.

How can you love yourself as you are but want to change at the same time?

Level #1: Accept Who You Are

To answer this question, we have to dissect it.

Self-love starts with accepting yourself as who you are. At one point, you have to look in the mirror and say to yourself “You are enough. You’re worthy of love as you are.” It’s the crucial first step.

You’ve put on a few pounds, but you’re beautiful as you are.

You’re an emotional mess, but whoever can’t handle you at your worst doesn’t deserve you at your best.

Unfortunately, most people stop here.

When you finally break out of the self-repudiation you’ve felt for years, you cling to the holy grail of self-acceptance with everything you have.

You feel good and finally enjoy life instead of constantly ruminating about other’s opinions. It’s a huge step that deserves a pat on the back.

But in the long run, this superficial thinking will keep you stuck. It’s at the core of mediocrity and complacency.

You’ll never escape your bad job if you don’t polish your skills. You’ll never get your dream body if you don’t push yourself through exercise and diet. You’ll always end up in toxic relationships if you don’t work on your own issues. And deep down, you know it.

Accepting yourself is the core ingredient of self-love. You’re enough, and you’re worthy of love.

Level #2: Change for More

If self-love means to accept yourself as you are and now I ask you to change, aren’t you back to square one? No.

When you accept yourself first, it puts you in a position of power. It lets you decide instead of pleasing others. And if you’ve never experienced the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, you’ll feel like you traded in a Fiat for a Ferrari.

Five years ago, I picked a study program based on external pressures. Every semester was the same. I avoided any university-related activities for as long as possible, then spent four weeks cramming everything into my head, only to forget most of it a day after the examination.

Fast forward to today, and I’m working 60 hours per week by choice. I made my own decision free from external pressures and decided on the change I want to have in my life. The resulting boost in motivation and fulfillment is gargantuan to say the least.

Improving yourself and your situation to create the life you want is the biggest act of self-love there is.

Actualize Your Potential

Wherever you are now, you still have so much potential left. Your life could be so much more. Not in the negative you aren’t enough way, but in the positive level up your life one.

Here are five methods to unite acceptance and change.

Use others for inspiration, but yourself for comparison

You’re unique. You have a unique story, a unique life, unique goals, and unique struggles. That doesn’t mean it’s harder for you than for everybody else, but it means there’s no point in comparing yourself to others.

See them as inspiration, a source of knowledge, and an opportunity for learning. But the only person you should compare yourself to is you. Strive to be better than yesterday. If you do that for enough days in a row, you’ll get where you want to get, and that’s all that counts.

Be grateful for what you have, but make plans to move forward

Gratitude is a source of happiness and good mental health. At the same time, being grateful doesn’t mean everything is perfect. Focus on the positives but don’t lose sight of your goals. The view is already great, but there’s still a long climb ahead of you.

Cut out toxic people, spend time with the good ones

Your social circle determines your mental state to a large extent. If you’re surrounded by cynics, you’ll focus on the negatives. If you’re surrounded by laughter, it’s easy to chime in.

List the people who are conducive and who are detrimental to your life. Be careful, the conducive aren’t always the ones who make you feel good — change hurts, even if it’s for the better.

Cut out the toxic and spend more of it with the ones who make your life better.

Accept past mistakes, but move on

“To err is human, but to persist in error is diabolical.”

— Latin proverb

Dealing with past mistakes isn’t always easy. Think too much and you’ll beat yourself up, think too little and you’ll mess up again because you haven’t learned your lesson.

Accept your mistakes and overcome the negative emotions associated. Admit you did wrong, learn your lesson and move on, knowing that you’ll mess up again.

Focus on what you can change, not on what you can’t

Most people waste their energy on futile efforts. They complain about the weather, their crooked nose, or that their ex cheated on them.

You can’t do anything about it, so let go. Focus your efforts on what lies within your control, because that’s all you can do.

When you accept what you can’t change, you’ll have much more time and energy for what you can.

Be Enough, but Strive to Be More

“You’re not who you could be physically. You’re not who you could be spiritually. You’re not educated to the degree you could be. You could really be something man.”

— Jordan Peterson

Self-love is a paradox. On the first level, it means to love and accept yourself as you are. On the second level, it means to change and improve what you love and accept.

You’re a beautiful human being in your own, unique way. But to become the best version of your true self and create the meaningful life you want to live you have to improve and change. Not on somebody else’s terms, but on your own.

Compare yourself only to who looks at you in the mirror. Be grateful, but strive for more. Sort out your friendships and relationships. Admit your mistakes but know they are what makes you better. Focus on what you can change, not on what you can’t.

Because that’s what self-love is. To be enough but at the same time strive for more.

I help men connect with their masculinity, create a meaningful life, and build better relationships by being more authentic. Sign up for my free 5-minute newsletter and become part of The Authentic Man tribe!