The What — Why — How Approach to Conflict Resolution

An easy and effective way to orient your life.

• Whether embroiled in an argument, facing a difficult life decision or simply lacking direction, it can be difficult to orient ourselves in the moments of conflict.
• Without a simple, repeatable tool, it’s easy to flounder under the weight of internal or external conflict.
• By using the What — Why — How approach to conflict resolution, we can reorient ourselves and overcome life’s challenges with intentionality.

Simon Sinek, popular author of “Start With Why” and creator of the “Golden Circle,” has made a living by asking the simple question, “why?” Originally focused on the business world, Simon argues that many companies understand what they do, they know how they do it, but they have either lost or don’t understand why they do what they do.

I believe that we can take this concept, the idea of the “golden circle,” and adapt it to fit our personal journeys. Simon has also tackled this through his follow up book, “Find Your WHY,” however, I feel that there is a more linear approach to tackling our

When navigating the waters of personal conflict, by starting with what, clarifying with why, and stepping forward with how, we can work past the barriers of conflict and step forward with intentionally.

Start with WHAT

Simply put, what is the problem at hand?

• Reoccurring argument with your significant other?
• Frequent job dissatisfaction and subsequent hopping?
• Anxiety around financial uncertainties?

Identifying the core problem at hand is, on the surface, straightforward. Take for example a reoccurring argument with your significant other. Every week you have the same argument about making sure the trash is taken out for pick-up. It inevitably is either missed, piling up for another week, or the individual who wasn’t responsible has to pick up the slack.

It’s the type of argument that seems petty enough, but has a way of getting legitimately heated with each passing week.

Understanding the conflict is clear: George keeps “forgetting” to take the garbage out, causing ongoing and escalating tension in the relationship.

With an established understanding of what the problem is, we can next move on to clarifying the problem by asking why.

Clarify with WHY

Asking why something is a problem is where things become more granular. Running with the bickering couple, George says that he simply forgets to take the garbage out. George’s significant other, Susan, makes quick note that he seems to forget a lot of things.

It’s the argument dreams are made of.

This is where the rubber meets the road, by asking “why?” For example:

• Why is it such a big deal?
• Why am I the one who’s always responsible?
• Why can’t we take turns?

The list of questions, as tenuous as they may be, will ultimately drill down to the real problem at hand. It may be as surface level as George truly forgetting to take out the trash; however, it may be more pointed, such as George happens to avoid the things in life he’s not interested in doing.

Asking why, while potentially uncomfortable, will get to the root cause of the issue. Identifying the root cause makes finding a solution through asking “how” possible.

Resolve with HOW

Now that you’ve identified what the catalyst issue is, and why it’s a problem, you can now determine how the conflict can be resolved.

Asking “how” isn’t necessarily a quick fix, but instead a means of intentionally taking action to resolve the identified conflict.

Going back to George and Susan, let’s say George really does have an issue with motivation and completing the things he has no interest in doing, yet he understands it’s part of being half of a loving relationship.

George and Susan asking how this issue can be resolved may look as follows:

• Would automated reminders help George stay on task?
• Could responsibilities and expectations be clearly defined and agreed upon?
• Should Susan offer more grace to George?

Once “how” is decided upon, it is then possible to intentionally step forward in resolving the conflict. Until this point, all previous bickering and argument was driven by emotion. Now with a clearly defined What — Why — How, the conflict can be resolved with clarity and intentionality.

This isn’t to say the “how” part is easy. Take for example trying to find a solution for getting out from underneath a crippling mountain of debt. It’s unlikely to be an easy endeavor, but it’s one that is clear and approachable.

How is your plan of attack. It’s the key to resolving and overcoming your conflict, allowing you to step forward in life with intentionality and purpose.

What — Why — How In Summary

This approach to conflict resolution is meant to be a simple, streamlined method of problem solving. The goal is to identify the true issue at hand and to enact actionable, intentional steps that can be used to overcome conflict.

To exemplify the versatility, let’s apply these principles to an internal, personal conflict you may have. Say you’re experiencing heightened levels of anxiety in your current job:

• What: Dread going to work every day because you have no passion or enjoyment for what you do. The thought of your work duties causes a paralyzing about of anxiety.
• Why: Realizing you have no passion for what you do, coupled with the broad, undefined nature of your role, you’ve slipped into a state of anxiety, causing a cascading effect of issues both at work and at home.
• How: You determine that by searching for a role in a field/industry that genuinely interests you, while also providing a more narrow focus, you’ll be much more satisfied in your career. While job hunting, you put extra focus on the parts of your job that you do enjoy, helping you stick through a less than ideal situation.

Like Simon Sinek, I believe the answer to why is ultimately the lynchpin to understanding where we must go. However, there’s something to be said about allowing the overarching “what” to uncover the deeper “why,” followed by an actionable resolution through “how.”

When you next find yourself embroiled in conflict, give the linear approach of What — Why — How a try; you might just find answers to problems that have persisted for far too long.

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