avatarLisa Richards

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p id="db15">For example, my husband put a stop to my way of trying to get our son to eat his meals and stop being fussy because it just wasn’t working. After a certain period of time of him implementing his own way of doing things, which was firmer and stricter than I would’ve liked, I started to see some changes in my son and how he would sit down to eat the entire plate of food in front of him.</p><p id="21fa">Now, Andriel looks forward to sitting down next to his parents and mostly eats his entire plate, including the veg. My husband was right, and I was wrong — at least for a period of time (because no one knows the future and kids are unpredictable!)</p><p id="60fc"><b>But my husband didn’t say “I told you so”.</b> He didn’t discredit me as a mother, even if I did question my own decision making. He understood that being wrong is not a bad thing, and also, that <b>I wasn’t “wrong” to begin with</b>. Some things work, and some things don’t work for our children. And some things work for a while and then need to be changed. And that’s OK.</p><p id="4e9d">Parenting, while continuous, is flexible.</p><p id="ec93"><a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-successfully-wing-it-d39222a3d808">And we are all winging it.</a></p><h1 id="101b">Lowering Expectations Is Empowering</h1><p id="cde5">I have this constant need as the main caregiver to simply know what to do and get it right — especially after all the research I do on many aspects of parenting. But the thing is, it is only because of my own expectations that we get upset when things don’t work out. We paint a picture of how things will go, and when they don’t go our way, we self-criticise.</p><p id="3b33">Recently, I have been struggling to make the decision of whether to send our son to daycare. Because of the recent lockdowns, I feared that he wasn’t getting enough social stimulation and he needed to spend more time with other children. We decided to send him to a local nursery two mornings a week.</p><p id="fec8">But that wasn’t my only reason for wanting to send him there. I also needed more time to really step up my game as a writer, begin marketing myself and really work on my book.</p><p id="fa4a">But I’m tired of questioning myself, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-what-you-want-1973fd008ecb">since taking the road to self-care</a> in order to be a better mother and person, I decided that my reasons were as good as any to send Andriel to daycare at the age of 27 months.</p><p id="d466">It has only been a few weeks, and so far, he does not look forward to going there. I feel in fact he has become shier and clingier than usual. This makes me question once again whether what I am doing is right, and whether the caregivers at the centre are doing right by my son.</p><p id="93a8"><b>I’m ready to assign blame and judge because this is what we do as people growing up in today’s society.</b></p><div id="5778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-to-enjoy-motherhood-guilt-free-966e7fa38d58"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*o44YftcYVXjSo_va)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="d0f8">But I have to remember that it will solve nothing. I need to readjust my expectations and remind myself that everything takes time and that obstacles are all part of the journey, including my son’s settling in time at daycare.</p><p id="1231">He will get there because he is a strong and sociable little boy. He will be fine because he will still have an abundance of love at home waiting for him when he gets back and throughout the rest of the week. But I cannot decide how and when he will be running happily into nursery in the mornings — that’s a picture I need to let go of, but treasure if it happens.</p><p id="b15a">Sometimes, it

Options

is our expectations that need change, not our circumstances. We have to be OK with hiccups in parenting. Rather, we need not see them as hiccups, but as part of the process of bringing up children. After all, we are only human.</p><h1 id="7806">Takeaway</h1><figure id="facf"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*0ZLtDIAU40LQtOeo"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@drezart?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Andrae Ricketts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="f3a0">I believe in a mother’s instinct, but I don’t believe in the expectation that it will be there when we need it. If that expectation isn’t met then we will be more than ready to assign blame, and it won’t help us grow as parents or as individuals. In fact, I think that the constant need to meet these expectations is what causes us to feel like a failure at some point in our lives.</p><p id="b5d4">Instead, I recommend a more supportive plan, where advice can be handed out without coming across as all-knowing and dismissive of the parent. We can learn not to feel offended at others’ suggestions in the same way that others can learn not to be judgemental. I advise that others do get involved in taking care of kids, in a non-judgemental “I-told-you-so” way when the main interest is that of the child — not of themselves.</p><p id="1680">Most importantly, we have to learn that <b>mistakes are normal</b>, and most of the time, they’re not life-threatening. We are all human after all, and that makes us susceptible to countless errors over the course of time. In modern parenting, most parents are learning not to scold their kids when they make mistakes because it’s detrimental to their confidence building. <i>We should take that same approach with ourselves and other adults.</i></p><p id="93d5">So, let’s cut ourselves a little slack, and lower that pressure to get it right. Nobody is born a parent with experience.</p><div id="2a67" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/redefining-the-concept-of-happiness-16e5524c2b2d"> <div> <div> <h2>Redefining the Concept of Happiness</h2> <div><h3>How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6xDaJcMnjn9r6Bow)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="88c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-battle-with-anger-as-a-parent-24e7837c5fac"> <div> <div> <h2>My Battle With Anger As a Parent</h2> <div><h3>Ensuring our son feels loved regardless of our feelings.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Me4slkvdZGGCbsbjqQ_7bg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c95b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-is-a-damn-good-father-de20d1ef2217"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Is A Damn Good Father</h2> <div><h3>And he deserves praise.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Oqw-YSI_IVOLn-k0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7dcc"><b><i>Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. <a href="https://medium.com/@sylviaemokpae">See more work like this</a>.</i></b></p><p id="f728"><a href="https://twitter.com/SylviaEmokpae"><b>Follow her</b></a><b> on Twitter.</b></p></article></body>

The Warning Signs of a Relationship Breakdown

How you might be able to change things.

Image by Gerd Altmann on Pixabay

Relationships take work from both parties for things to work. At the start of most relationships, everything is rosy, and there is mutual respect. Further down the line, things can change and you may become annoyed with things like your partner not pulling their weight around the house or the things that they say, for example.

Statistics show that divorce rates are increasing around the world, and experts say that the pandemic will, unfortunately, make things worse. This is because families are spending more time together, which means that there is more of a chance that couples will irritate each other.

The highest divorce rates are in Europe and the US. The UK has a divorce rate of 42% while the US has a divorce rate of 46%.

These are some signs that your relationship may be in trouble:

Misplaced Anger

Misplaced anger is when a person is angry about something and takes their frustration out on an innocent person, who is not to blame.

Everyone gets angry sometimes, but it is how you direct the anger that is important. People tend to take out their anger on the person that is closest to them, and over time this can be damaging to relationships.

Misplaced anger is often not addressed for a long time in relationships because the person on the receiving end may be scared to mention it.

There are different triggers that can cause misplaced anger. One reason that misplaced anger may occur is due to unfortunate life circumstances. Misplaced anger may also occur because of letting multiple problems consume you.

Dealing With Misplaced Anger

If you are the person that is displaying anger there are things that you can do to stop yourself from behaving in an angry way.

One thing that may help is cognitive restructuring techniques. This focuses on identifying negative thought patterns and working on changing the thoughts that are causing anger. Cognitive restructuring involves working with a professional to monitor your thought patterns. Once your thought patterns are identified the next step is to recognise why these thoughts come up and to change your way of thinking.

If you’re the person that is on the receiving end of misplaced anger, one thing that may help is to wait until the person has calmed down, then try to discuss things with them. It is important to let the person know how it makes you feel. Sometimes letting a person know how you feel can be enough to make them realise that it needs to stop.

Use “you” statements to communicate with the angry person. This involves saying things like “you are angry” or “you feel annoyed”. By doing this in a calm voice it helps the person to calm down by thinking about their actions.

Withholding Affection

“All relationships have one law. Never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.” — The Love Bits

Affection is important to keep relationships alive. Without affection, things can start to feel more like a friendship. Affection can be shown by simply holding hands or cuddling. It helps each person in the relationship to feel as though they are still loved.

Withholding affection may happen for a number of reasons. Often the person may not realise they are doing it, but there are also times when a person may deliberately withhold affection as a way of teaching their partner a lesson.

Dealing With Lack of Affection

One thing that can help to improve affection in relationships is to talk about how you feel. Sometimes these conversations may be uncomfortable but unless they are talked about things will not change. Talking things through may be enough to positively improve the situation.

Make time for each other every week and do activities that you enjoy together. Things like cuddling and meals out can help. Sometimes simple things can put the romance back into your relationship.

If you have tried a few things that haven’t worked it is worth considering visiting a relationship expert. This could be what you need to get your relationship back on track.

Unrealistic Standards

Each person is different, and what one person is good at another person may not be good at. It is important to accept somebody for who they are. Remember that this is how the person was when you met them, and it’s unfair to try and change them.

Nobody is perfect and you would find it unfair if unrealistic expectations were out on you. Over time, putting your partner under pressure to be perfect can put a strain on your relationship.

“Two things can destroy any relationship. Unrealistic expectations and poor communication” — Unknown Author

Dealing With Unrealistic Expectations

Rather than focus on your partner being perfect focus on the things that they are good at. Try to remember what qualities initially attracted you.

Rather than make them feel bad for not being good at something work with them to help them to improve. They in turn will be able to help you with things that you might need to improve. Think of it as teamwork, where you can both improve together.

If you are the person that is putting your partner under pressure to be perfect sit back and reflect. This will allow you to consider if you are being unrealistic. Reverse the roles and think about if you would be happy in their situation.

Final Thoughts

Relationships can be a lot of effort, and not everything can be perfect all of the time. Certain things can be damaging to relationships, and it is important to have mutual respect.

Over time certain behaviours can damage relationships to the point where they cannot be fixed. Rather than let your relationship suffer try to work on the things that you think are ruining things.

The next time you feel that things are going wrong in your relationship focus on the solution instead of the problem.

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Relationships
Love
Self Improvement
Life
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