The Toxicity Of Trust Issues

Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Future

Being cheated on hurts. Being replaced like a broken light bulb robs you of the little confidence you had left. It’s a hurtful experience and can leave you shattered. Many of us know the feeling. Chances are, you do too. I know I do.

But it turns out that it doesn’t end there. If you’re caught up in your past, these shadows may destroy you even more. It becomes hard to trust again. You may finally open up to somebody new. Someone who loves you unconditionally. But your shadow still lingers. Even just little things your new partner does on occasion remind you of the pain you’ve been through. How your ex mistreated you. How your feelings were devastated.

But your new partner might very well not have any such intentions. Not yet, and not in the future.

You need to overcome your past

Dwelling on it can help you coping with your broken world. But you need to put it to rest at some point. The most important lesson here is the following:

It was not your fault!

We start to think that we’re at fault for being cheated on. Maybe we weren’t good enough. Maybe our partner deserves better.

Stop thinking like that, right now. If your partner cheated on you, that’s not your fault. You are good enough, you’re even better than that. It’s your partner who is being selfish and dishonest to the both of you.

We are all different. And as everywhere else in the world, there are black sheep among us. You happened to fall for such a black sheep. But that doesn’t mean that the next partner will be the same.

You need to start with a clean slate

I know how easy this is said and how difficult it is to actually put it into practice. These hurtful thoughts are still creeping your mind. And when your new partner wants to go out with friends, that immediately reminds you of your ex, who said exactly the same, right before jumping into someone else’s bed.

These thoughts are pure poison.

But your new partner is nothing like that. He or she has never been cheated on, never thought about it either. They really just want to have a good time with friends. So fight your inner demons and accept their request for what it really is: An innocent request to go and have some fun with friends.

If you keep bringing up your past memories in this, you’re only torturing yourself. And when you are left alone with these thoughts, that’s when they are the most dangerous for both you and your new partner.

Stupid accusations

I’ve been there. My partner would go out with coworkers to celebrate the start of a new year. It was a long distance relationship back then. Even more reason to think of myself as easily replaceable. And the longer I waited for her return in lonely solitude, the more I let my past play in my head like an old drama.

You know who really gets hurt in this? Not you, but your partner.

She’d come back, lightly drunk, turn on the computer and planning to tell me how fun it was. But there I sit, devoured by my past issues, giving her a blank stare. She’d just need to drop the name of another man and I would start interrogating her like a criminal. She was probably super happy to tell me all about her day. And I crushed her mood without even thinking about it.

Don’t ever do this

It’s childish, unreasonable and even if she would have cheated, it’s not like she would tell you, would she? She wouldn’t be with you if she didn’t love you. She has no reason to cheat on you. Get that in your little head.

I almost ruined the story of my life by being an obnoxious ass.

And I really was just lucky that she put up with me for so long. It’s her who helped me defeat these demons.

You won’t find happiness if you keep searching for pain

A really stupid sounding but effective thought is this one:

Be ignorant.

No, seriously. If for some twisted reason you would really be cheated on, there’s not much you could do about it anyways, right?

Chances are, he or she won’t. So don’t dwell on your past like it’s a vicious circle, cause it’s not. It took me a long time of actively observing my behavior and realizing how stupid I’d be at times, afraid of losing her.

And I almost pushed her away from me for that very reason.

I’ve overcome my fears and my past struggles. How it turned out? We’re happily married and our daughter was born in November 2018. If I hadn’t changed, she would have left me at some point. Because I really gave her a hard time.

Nothing hurts your partner more than you doubting their love.

Finally, a note for those who deal with such a partner

Please be understanding. I wouldn’t ask much of you. It’s not your fault after all. I think I have tortured my own partner enough with my issues.

But your understanding and support can help your partner see past his fogged up memories. Talk about it. Even though we would never openly admit it, these trust issues come from our own insecurity. We think we’re not really good enough for you, that you’re just not seeing it yet, but soon will.

If you ask your partner why he’s so worried about it, he may open up. He’s stuck in a deep hole. Your love and understanding can be the rope that will finally pull him out.

If you manage to overcome your fear, you might be in for the best time of your life

From almost losing her over my lack of confidence and never-ending trust issues, it transformed into the best relationship I ever had. She made me complete.

So buckle up and work on getting rid of any demons that might still feed off you. Embrace your partner for what they are: Someone who found you and loves you, just the way you are.

Kevin is an editor and writer for the ILLUMINATION publication. Follow him on Twitter and LinkedIn.

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