Women/Self/Pregnancy

The Thought of Pregnancy Terrified Me — Then I Got Pregnant

Here’s my experience.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that almost every woman who has ever given birth had fears of the unknown while they were pregnant — especially the first-timers.

I was full of fear from the first moment I found out I was pregnant up until the actual birth. I never wanted to go through pregnancy. The thought of it had terrified me from the time I was a teenager and throughout my adult life. I think I was still in shock that I was even pregnant at all for most of my pregnancy journey.

Per ourworldindata.org, more than 300,000 women die from pregnancy every year. For most of our human history, pregnancy and childbirth were dangerous for both baby and mother. That fact was never lost on me. It paired well with my preconceived anxiety about the whole business of pregnancy and giving birth, in general.

The constant, frightening chatter around me from other moms who had already given birth didn’t help my fear factor much along my pregnancy journey. It almost seemed like those seasoned moms took delight in horrifying me with their terrifying and, frankly, gross birthing stories.

Misery loves company?

I get it. Sharing is an integral part of how human beings try to relate to one another. However, when you’ve never given birth and you’re already anxious, some of those birthing horror stories can be disconcerting, to say the least.

Being pregnant is one of those strange, surreal experiences that causes you to feel both fully connected to your body and also completely disconnected from it.

On the one hand, you’re very much aware of your body while you’re pregnant for the clear reason that your pregnancy is controlling how you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.

On the other hand, pregnancy can also be an extremely disconnecting experience because many women like myself are used to being in control or at least feeling in control of their bodies. Then, one day, you’re just not in control at all because you’re carrying a human being inside of you.

I was one of those people who honestly felt like I was in a science fiction movie the whole time I was pregnant. There was an alien in my body and I didn’t know what it was going to do next. Well, I knew that she was going to grow and come out at some point but there were so many other variables to contend with. Would she be healthy? Would she come early? Would she come late? Is she okay in there? Is she breathing? Is her heart beating? How much is the birth going to hurt — really?

I know I’m not the only woman who has experienced the feeling of being downright scared to death while pregnant.

Full disclosure — I didn’t attend any birthing classes. I didn’t go to any form of class while pregnant. I read some books. I watched some videos my best friend sent me. That was it. Looking back, I think I was in complete denial that I would ever be giving birth.

Don’t get me wrong — I made sure I ate well and exercised while I was pregnant. I think the real reason I never went to a birthing class is that I was afraid to confront the physical aspect of giving birth to a human being. It’s that simple. Sure, the whole birthing experience may have been smoother for me if I knew what I was getting into — but I opted out. Insert hindsight 20/20 here ________.

I had originally wanted an epidural but once I went into labor, my baby started coming out so quickly that there was no time to administer the epidural. I was not pleased, to say the least.

To say that giving birth was painful without any pain medication categorically redefines the whole definition of what pain feels like, in my opinion. There were moments when I thought I might die from it. It was my first birthing experience and my frame of reference was nil besides all the harrowing stories I had been regaled with by other mothers.

People tell me now how brave and strong I was for giving birth without an epidural — but that wasn’t the plan. I would have taken it if I could have.

Does that make me less brave? Maybe to some. However, I got through the birth with a strength I was forced to possess to make sure my child made it out safely.

Now that I have experienced giving birth naturally and without any pain medication, I think I understand what many of you reading this might already be wise to — which is that I truly wish I had been more prepared for the realities of giving birth. Not just the birth, but important tools like breastfeeding.

You can read a book all day long about something like breastfeeding, but when you actually need to do it — well that’s a whole other story indeed. You can read about my experience with breastfeeding here.

I’m not going to be having any more babies. I’ve closed that book. Sometimes I wish I could have another just so that I could be more organized about the whole adventure. Then I remembered that sometimes no matter how much you plan and prepare, there will always be unexpected issues that come up.

The truth is that giving birth is terrifying and the pain is excruciating. If you take the steps to prepare for certain things, you can make the experience a little less difficult for yourself. Reaching out to others for support is helpful as well. Staying in an isolated bubble can cause more fear to well up in your mind — believe me.

Do I wish I’d done pregnancy differently and been more proactive? Yes. Am I one of those moms who now shares her own terrifying birth story with others? I cringe to admit it, but YES (and I just did it here!).

Creating and delivering life is miraculous. It’s also raw, gross, painful, and terrifying — and there’s no shame in talking about that terror.

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