The Telling Signs You Were Abused by a Narcissistic Person (Without Realizing It)

Surprise! Dealing with these symptoms? You may be a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

by E.B. Johnson

First of all, let’s get something perfectly clear. You don’t have to be diagnosed with NPD to be a narcissistic person. Narcissistic behavior and traits are rampant. They have been since WWII and it’s both well-documented and well-studied.

What’s more, the oft-stated “1% of the population” stat that so many like to echo is acknowledged (openly) as inaccurate. People with narcissistic personality traits rarely seek treatment, so they cannot be accurately calculated across the population.

Worse, those narcissistic people who do seek treatment often use it as a form of manipulation against others. (See the toxic empath below.)

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk a little about the survivors of these vicious partners, lovers, parents, and friends.

Whether we receive their ire as children or as adults, their abuse leaves scars that can take decades to fade away. Not that they ever go away, but the living with them gets easier.

No healing is possible, however, until you are able to stand firm in the knowledge of what happened to you. There’s a radical acceptance that has to be fostered and a realization that the person you loved most chose themselves, their ego, and their desires over treating you like a lovable and deserving human being.

The signs of narc abuse you haven’t realized.

Were you abused by a narcissistic person? It’s not always easy to spot the signs. The narcissistic person strikes subtly, most often using our emotions against us (and others) to make daily life a living, breathing hell.

Before you can free yourself — literally or figuratively — you’ve got to step back and see things as they are. Narcissistic abuse is different from any other type of abuse we experience, and the effects are layered and lingering.

Non-existent self-esteem

Our self-esteem can often be the most telling sign of narcissistic attack. It’s a part of the design. The narcissistic person has to break you down, rip up your self-confidence, so you don’t have the ability to break out of their manipulations. Over time, they come to teach you that you’re worthless, unlovable, and every other rotten thing you can feel about yourself.

Discharging energy

Ever find yourself with a short fuse you can’t explain? Despite your best efforts to stay peaceful, you pop-off and explode all over the place. Dumping your negative emotions like this can often be a sign that you’re being narcissistically abused.

Narcissistic people never allow their survivors to feel anger. It’s an emotion that is too powerful. When you’re angry, you’ll hold them accountable and you’ll call them out for their bad behavior.

So when you’re forced to stifle your anger at home, you can find yourself discharging it everywhere else. You’ll detonate on everyone all the time. The fuse of a narcissistic abuse survivor is impossibly short, and even harder to predict.

Monkey see, monkey do

Ever feel like you’re just as toxic as your narcissist at home? It’s pretty common for narcissistic abuse survivors to find themselves picking up some nasty habits from their abusers. It’s a cycle of abuse that’s easy to perpetuate and hard to escape.

When the treatment you receive is always subpar, that’s how you learn to treat others.

If you’re picking up the narcissist’s traits, you’ll see it in your other relationships. Look out for selfish behavior and a dip in empathy for those who are suffering or who are coming from a genuine place of need.

Toxic empathy

Don’t be fooled. Some people can find their empathy damaged by narcissistic abuse. But there’s another path that some choose to take instead…that of the dark empath. That’s right.

The toxic empath is someone who walks away from narcissistic abuse with a toxic ability to tune into the emotions of others. They use this ability to play the victim in their own lives (much like a covert narcissist) and to manipulate people around them.

Toxic empaths (or dark empaths) use their victimhood as a weapon. They will regularly shame others with it and use it to put themselves in a place of moral superiority over others.

Zero sense of self

Who are you? It’s not a trick question. Most of us know who we are. When we get asked that question, we are easily able to say, “I’m E.B. I’m a writer and an NLP coach. I help people with their trauma and I like spending time doing simple things with my friends and my family.”

If we get asked to go deeper, we can.

“I’m an intelligent, confident person. I like to do things my own way and I have a deep passion for learning more about the world. I’m driven. I’m successful. I love my life.”

That’s not the case for the recently escaped survivor of narcissistic abuse. The narcissist loves nothing more than undermining everything you are. So when you finally escape, it’s not uncommon to have no idea who you are, what you’re worth, or what you want.

Lacking in total trust

It’s hard to trust yourself (and the world) when you were systematically harmed by someone you loved more than anyone else. Whether it was a parent or a partner, being abused by a narcissist will ensure that you never trust anything ever again.

They turn everyone into a boogeyman.

When you’re with them, their paranoia of others must necessarily become your own. You see everyone as the enemy — just as the narcissist does and demands.

If you find the power to escape, the fear and the paranoia remain. You look for the same monster to pop out from the under the bed at any moment. Everyone becomes the predator that you’re trying to put out of your mind.

Vicious relationships

The narcissist will do nothing if not warp all the other relationships in your life. It’s necessary. They have to isolate and make you entirely dependent on them in order to maneuver their abuse. Outside of your relationship with them, the lack of trust and safety you feel makes the cycles just as vicious. Even if you escape, you can end up in the habit of pushing others away in the worst possible ways.

Getting back to a sense of ourselves…

For you to overcome the shadow that has been placed over you by the narcissistic parent, partner, or friend, then you have to allow yourself to see things as they are.

The narcissist warps your reality around you. They force you to see things as they wish, not as they really are, and that’s damaging. You have to give yourself the gift and grace of honesty. Radical honesty.

See yourself as you are. Assess the damage and the scars. Take a full inventory of your life and see the role the narcissist has played.

In that space, you have to allow yourself to get angry; to see what was taken from you. Then you have to take charge and take the initiative to clean things up. Break the patterns. Stop feeding the cycles and start standing up for yourself.

Fall in love with yourself from the inside out. See how much you’re worthy of and see how much the narcissist refuses to give you.

As you step into this new sense of self-love, your confidence will build. You’ll start stepping out into the world again and envisioning a future that doesn’t involve the shame, pain, and manipulation of the narcissist.

Do things that fully represent you. Reach for the goals, the experiences, and the people who lift you up and fill your life with light and with acceptance.

This isn’t a forever ride. Stop playing their games and start leading life for yourself.

© E.B. Johnson 2022