Summary

The article discusses subtle manipulative behaviors in relationships that can be easily overlooked, including emotional dishonesty, love-bombing, silent treatment, storyline shifting, coercive arguments, battering conversation, and demeaning humor.

Abstract

The article "The Subtle Relationship Manipulations You’re Probably Missing" by E.B. Johnson delves into the insidious ways partners can manipulate each other without resorting to overt aggression. It emphasizes the importance of emotional integrity in relationships and highlights how manipulators often undermine their partner's feelings to maintain control. The author describes various manipulative tactics such as love-bombing, where excessive affection is used to mask controlling behavior, and the silent treatment, which is employed to punish and coerce. Other tactics include reframing the narrative to avoid accountability, engaging in coercive arguments to force submission, and using demeaning humor to erode self-esteem. The article encourages readers to recognize these behaviors as forms of manipulation and to prioritize their own emotional well-being and safety in relationships.

Opinions

The author believes that emotional honesty is crucial for a healthy relationship and that manipulative behaviors are a violation of this integrity.
Love-bombing is seen as a manipulative tactic that masks the true intent of controlling the partner's behavior.
The silent treatment is considered immature and a deliberate attempt to manipulate the partner into compliance.
Shifting the storyline is viewed as a manipulative strategy to avoid responsibility and minimize the partner's needs.
Coercive arguments are not seen as a normal part of relationship disagreements but as a tool for manipulation and control.
Battering conversation is identified as a form of manipulation where persistence is used to wear down the partner's resistance.
Demeaning humor is regarded as unacceptable and is used to manipulate by exploiting insecurities and shaming the partner.
The author advocates for self-awareness in relationships and suggests that recognizing these manipulative behaviors is the first step toward breaking free from them.

The Subtle Relationship Manipulations You’re Probably Missing

Feeling stuck or controlled in your relationships? You’re probably missing these subtle (and toxic) manipulative behaviors.

by E.B. Johnson

Are you being manipulated in your relationship? It’s not always easy to tell when we are being pushed around. Some partners use more subtle tactics than others to get what they want out of their partners, and we end up being the victims. Waking up is the only way we can free ourselves, but that means facing some pretty nasty behaviors that have been targeted to hurt and control us.

The subtle relationship manipulations you’re missing.

Before you discount manipulation as a part of your relationship, note these behaviors. It’s not always about screaming and creating emotional injury. Some manipulators are more skilled than others, and wear us slowly down into submission through a lack of emotional integrity and an insistence on their own way.

Lack of emotional integrity

Relationships require emotional integrity to thrive. What’s emotional integrity? Frankly, it’s the ability to be emotionally honest in your relationship and with your partner. Manipulative relationships don’t have that.

Does your partner shoot your feelings down? Make fun of you for having them or belittle them? This is all done with the aim of getting you to dismiss your own feelings. It makes it more convenient for the manipulator, who is made uncomfortable by your confrontations and needs.

All of this boils down to create an environment in which you don’t feel safe to be emotionally honest about your needs. So you bottle it all up and make more space for the other person’s emotions and needs than your own. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be broken consciously .

Major love-bombing

Do you have a hard time describing your partner as “manipulative” because of how loving they are? They might smother you with gifts or affection after a fight, or maybe they turn so charming and sweet that you doubt the whole encounter altogether.

NEWS FLASH: This is a type of manipulation. Commonly known as love-bombing, this is used by an array of manipulators and abusers to charm their victims into submission. After all, how are you going to get angry and defend yourself when they’re acting like the sweetheart you wanted all along?

The silent treatment

One of the most common forms of manipulation we experience in relationships, the silent treatment is indeed meant to punish you and warp your behavior. Ultimately, the partner who uses this tactic is withdrawing their affection and threatening access to them unless you give them whatever it is that they want.

Not only is it manipulative, but it’s immature and juvenile. Unless your partner explicitly tells you they need time to quietly think about what they want to say or do, then their actions are aimed at manipulating you.

Shifting the storyline

What happens when you approach your partner with a problem? Do they readily listen to your perspective? Do they give you space to honestly explore the problem? Or do they try to shut you down by telling you how they see the problem?

It’s pretty common for a toxic or manipulative person to reframe the reality of their partner’s grievances. It’s another way to shift accountability, and to avoid taking any responsibility for their bad behavior.

Instead, these manipulators shift the storyline. What was their error, becomes your mistake. What you are upset about becomes something that you’re “misunderstanding”. It’s another way to minimize your needs.

Coercive arguments

Coercive arguments are a common feature in bad relationships, but a lot of couples gloss over them as if they aren’t a major issue. They tell themselves that arguments are normal, and that all couples fight. And that’s true. But what they don’t admit is that their arguments are a lot different from that.

If you and your partner arguing until the other person is ground into submission — it’s not normal arguing. The person who used arguments to coercively control the behaviors of others is manipulating them.

Look for the partner who weaponizes conflict. Notice when disagreements turn into lecture opportunities to change the way you see yourself or the world. This is manipulative behavior of the highest degree.

Battering conversation

Not all verbal manipulation takes the form of conflict. Sometimes, our partners wear us down until we give in by battering us in conversation. They go on, and on, and on about something they’re insistent on. Eventually, we get so tired of talking about it, we give in just to get a little peace and silence.

Again, this behavior is intentional and targeted. The partner who batters their other half into exhausted submission is a person who learned long ago that this was an effective way to get what they wanted out of people who are resistant to them.

Demeaning humor

Jokes at your expense are never okay, and they are never a sign of a happy and healthy relationship. It’s one thing to goad one another lovingly in private. It’s another thing to make light of things that shame you or make you feel insecure. It’s even worse if they make these jokes in public.

In every instance, mean-spirited jokes are meant to manipulate you. They capitalize on insecurities in order to make you feel bad and to make you easier to control. At their worst, they are directed to change the way you interact or behave.

Don’t make excuses for demeaning humor. Partners don’t get any more of a free pass than anyone else. Admit that they’re doing something from a place of meanness or insecurity so that you can move on in the name of your happiness and safety.

Putting it all together…

It’s important to be aware of the way we feel in our relationships, and of the way we’re being treated. Not all terrible relationships look like slaps to the face or dramatic shows of terror. Sometimes, the pain is more subtle and committed to over time through denial and string-pulling.

Notice when things don’t feel right. Notice when the other person in your partnership uses the chance to lovebomb you, stonewall you, or otherwise make you feel small or “less than”.

You don’t have to tolerate a person who isn’t kind to you, who doesn’t welcome you (and your emotions) with open arms. Stop steeling for partners who demand more space than they’re willing to give you. Don’t let them play their games while you’re left squarely on the sideline. Take charge of your love life and your future once and for all.

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