The Standards Of Etiquette At This Orgy Have Declined As Of Late

Hello,

You’re receiving this email because you’re on the Quarterly Tri-State Regional Orgy Mailing List — although I know not all of you actually come to our meetings. Normally, I’d say that’s a real shame because ours used to be the best Quarterly Tri-State Regional Orgy group.

But, I’m sorry to say the standards of orgy etiquette have declined as of late! And, as the saying goes, if one of us has pink eye, we all have pink eye — so let’s go over the official orgy rules one more time:

• Diet: Please stick to the BRAT diet at least 48 hours before the orgy. I know it seems like a lot, but we can’t be throwing back baked beans and broccoli before baring our butts. Do you remember the Gaseous Cloud Incident of 2019? I hate to point fingers, but Patricia and Graham, please, stop it. I don’t know what heinous things you eat but I’m tired of being forced to smell the aftermath.
• Hygiene: You need to come showered! This isn’t the goddamned gym. And bring your own deodorant.
• Condoms: I don’t wanna hear anymore complaints about our bulk condom order. Believe it or not, Sam’s Club doesn’t have an endless variety of ding-dong doohickeys. If you wanna bring your special ribbed, dotted, glow-in-the-dark, vibrating, rotating, spitting, makes-you-a-coffee-while-you’re-at-it penis hats, be my guest!

However, that’s not an invitation to infest the community condoms with your nasty “Warming Pleasure for Her” dong bags. Unless you’re doing it in a meat locker, nobody needs to be “warmed up” via vaginal chemical burn.

• Lube: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but who’s stealing all the friggin’ lube?! I don’t even know why you’d want a 5-lb. bottle of generic lube manhandled by the countless slippery digits of sex maniacs. Is it for the novelty? It can’t possibly be for personal use. Is it for another orgy group?!
• Post-Coital Yoga: We all know how important post-coital yoga is, so why is half the group sneaking out mid-downward dog to hit up the nearest Denny’s? Don’t deny it! I’ve seen you through the window, laughing and high-fiving over your grand slams while I sit alone in my Subaru Forester. Crying. In the rain. Why don’t you ever invite me?
• Attitude: We all used to be so jazzed about our meetings. Now, it’s like pulling teeth to get everyone naked in the same room together! I have to ask: are you fucking without me? I know sometimes I can be intense and overbearing. But without decorum we would just be a random and unruly mass of fornicating people! Where is the fun in that?

How long have you been planning this orgy mutiny? Don’t tell me I’m crazy, I know the signs. Believe it or not, this is not the first orgy group that I’ve been slowly pushed out of. It always starts out great, but then I end up sidelined, passing out towels and orange slices, saying, “Good job!”, “Go team!”, and “Put me back in, coach, put me back in.”

If you’re still reading this, I just want to say that you’re high if you think you’re gonna get my Sam’s Club card when I’m gone. You’ll have to pry it out of my cold, dead fingers, you sexy monsters.

Thank you for reading this newsletter update. Go fuck yourselves.

Sincerely,

Your Quarterly Tri-State Regional Orgy Secretary

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