We’re That Bag Of Clothes You Didn’t Want And Yeah, We’re Still Here
It’s been five months, Katie.
Hello, Katie,
If we may, we’d like to have just a moment of your time. Please, have a seat in our corner, the one also occupied by Yoga Mat, who you bought three months ago and haven’t used since. Oh, do you not remember who we are?
It’s us, the bag of clothes you deemed too subpar, too last season, or too “just not you” to wear anymore. Like a cruel mistress, you ripped us from the luxurious lap of your closet and stuffed us into this foul, Febreze-scented trash bag.
We begged and pleaded to stay, but you swore to take us to a place where we could start fresh, somewhere we would no longer feel pain, a place called Goodwill.
That was five months ago, Katie, and we’re still here.
I, Comfy Oversized Flannel, and the rest of the Trash Bag Collective are speaking up today to say that you have wounded us in the following ways:
You have repeatedly broken our hearts. From this corner, we can see you try on brand new clothes in that sweet, voluptuous goddess, Full-Length Mirror. Before our banishment, we had an intimate relationship with that smoking hot reflective surface. But that connection was cut with the hot knife of your indifference.
Just look at Chunky Knit Scarf. Look at her! The emotional stress has unraveled her to half her weight.
You are intentionally cruel. Don’t think that we can’t hear you complaining that you have nothing cute to wear tonight. Um, hello? What about Black Sequin Miniskirt that you tossed aside after wearing once, all because a girl at the club said it was tacky. Katie! You know that girl was more out of her mind than Grandpop-pop at bingo night! Have more confidence in yourself and stop taking it out on your clothes.
Black Sequin Miniskirt hasn’t been the same since.
You have made us fools, and you have made the lives we lead foolish. How could you say that Corduroy Belted Crop Pants doesn’t really “do it for you” when that Fleabag Jumpsuit digs so far up your crack I swear that it’s piping natural gas. What do you think Fleabag Jumpsuit gives you that we can’t? You can’t use it to seduce that hot bartender if you can’t even work up the guts to wear it out of the house!
Corduroy Belted Crop Pants said to tell you there’s $20 in his pocket you’ll never get back.
How can you so easily forget where you came from? Every time Spaghetti Strap Dress gets weepy (which is almost every night), she tells us how much you loved twirling her poofy skirt the winter formal in high school. Now, of course, you couldn’t even be bothered to look at her because she’s “too childish to wear out”.
Why don’t you tell Spaghetti Strap Dress to her face exactly what about her is childish? Is the tulle, the bedazzled corset, or the confidence she gave a young teen to bump and grind with wild abandon?
We harbored your dreams, only to be pushed into exile. You might like to forget that DIY Patchwork Vest is still here, lingering in this corner. You might like to forget that phase where you thought you wanted to be a fashion designer. But we will never forget the day you threw DIY Patchwork Vest into this bag and said, “Ugh that was a mistake.”
I am here to say that you’re wrong; nothing born of passion, creativity, and puffy is NEVER a mistake!
Katie, look at me, look me in the buttons. I know you hate me because I came from Mike’s closet. But every other guy owns a Comfy Oversized Flannel. He just happened to buy me, but Katie, I chose you.
You and Mike didn’t work out, but you and I had a great connection. Remember the boozy brunches with your friends? Or how I kept you warm through the Snowpocalypse? How about when Game of Thrones ended and I held you in my soft, lightly lined sleeves as you cried?
How can you pretend to not remember what we had?
Katie, just end our fucking suffering. Either accept that we’re the only clothes you need, or we’re going to remove ourselves from this toxic situation.
Yoga Mat has agreed to roll us out of here because, frankly, he doesn’t get how your you can say you’re a fitness freak on your Hinge profile when you don’t even know how to downward dog.
Wait! Where are you taking us? Are we…going outside? We’re moving, y’all! Hold on… ok, should we wait for you to get back to us from inside this trash can?
Katieeeeeee!!!!!!!