The Soundtrack to Dating a Narcissist
An Ode to an Agonizing Relationship
The music that we listen to, can often depict what mood we are in. There’s a reason that when people go through a breakup they listen to sad love songs, or when you want to get pumped up you put on some happy dance music.
I was driving home tonight and a song came on that I used to play every day while I was in a relationship with a narcissist that felt like it was six years long.
This reminded me of some other songs and I realized that not only were they conveying how I was feeling at the time… it spoke volumes about the uneasy and toxic nature of our entire relationship. So, without further ado, here is the soundtrack (or at least five songs) to dating a Narcissist.
- Issues by Julia Michaels
You do shit on purpose You get mad and you break things Feel bad, try to fix things But you’re perfect Poorly wired circuit And got hands like an ocean Push you out, pull you back in
What kind of message is this song conveying? How about working on the problems instead of just being a chaotic mess of fucked-up emotions? Not to mention this song always mentions being jealous, up, down, and in a cycle that isn’t healthy for either person involved.
He did do shit on purpose, he did break things and would try to half-heartedly fix them or feel bad for a day. It never lasted for long and everything the thing he was trying to break… was me.
2. Make Me Cry — Noah Cyrus and Labrinth
I never needed you like I do right now I never needed you like I do right now I never hated you like I do right now ’Cause all you ever do is make me… (cry)
I cried all the time. I cried while driving home. I cried before going to sleep. Sometimes my tears would overflow while in Savasana after a really intense yoga class because it was the only time I felt a real release.
I loved him and hated that I loved him. I knew that his influence in my life was negatively affecting me and my other relationships but I wanted to make things work so badly.
I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize this but the right person or just any healthy relationship in your life will result in lifting you up, not leaving you in tears in a puddle on the floor.
3. The One — The Chainsmokers
Let’s go, let’s end this I delete before I send it And we can play pretend Like we haven’t reached the end yet
Down and down we go And we’ll torch this place we know Before one of us takes a chance And breaks this, I won’t be the one
I just had this song on repeat while feeling completely trapped and like my soul was eroding.
I wanted to end things so badly but I couldn’t. I wanted him to be in my life but him being in my life was destroying me as the abusive behavior continued to escalate.
If these lyrics make you think of your significant other in any shape way or form, you should probably jump ship. Eventually, I had to be “the one” to end things.
4. It Ain’t Me — Kygo and Selena Gomez
No, I don’t wanna know Where you been or where you’re goin’ But I know I won’t be home And you’ll be on your own
Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning? Who’s gonna rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep? Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?
Things were spiraling downhill and it was date night. As usual, my ex got absolutely obliterated. In fact, we were kicked out of the bar because they had hired someone to play the piano and he kept trying to play it himself. It was absolutely humiliating.
I drove us back to his apartment and my ex decided that would be a great moment to just throw some garbage out the window while he was drunk at some people passing by. Not only was he littering which is disgusting, but he was also trying to HIT people with the garbage.
His battle with substance abuse was a constant one and I am glad I’m not around to see the toll it continues to take on his mental health and physical health.
Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright — Bob Dylan
And it ain’t no use in a-turnin’ on your light, babe The light I never knowed An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe I’m on the dark side of the road But I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say To try and make me change my mind and stay We never did too much talkin’ anyway But don’t think twice, it’s all right
What’s funny is that when I finally made the choice to walk away from the relationship, these lyrics appeared on my ex’s Facebook page a couple of hours before he deleted me.
There are two sides to every story but after months of abuse both physical and emotional abuse, I was done trying to understand his twisted mind. He can believe that he walked away but I’m the one who walked out of his apartment and ended our relationship.
I listen to music all day. I listen to it on my way to work, at work, on my way home from work, while I’m writing, etc. I feel like in the worst times of my life it has been the one thing that finds a way to express how I feel, in words, I am not eloquent enough to say.
I have found that even in the hardest and darkest times, music it finds a way to reach me wherever I am and remind me that I’m still here, and I am capable of finding and reciprocating healthy love.
