I Didn’t Know I Was Crazy Until I Met Him
The Emotional Effects of Dating a Narcissist
A few years ago I was finishing up a yoga class, which is how I usually unwinded after my workday. We went into the final Shavasana and tears began streaming down my face. Yoga was the only place I felt any sense of relief from the feeling like I was being crushed in those days. It just felt like I was going out of my mind.
I didn’t know where this feeling of insanity was coming from. I kept busy, and I had a good job and good friends. The only issue was that I’m an empath and someone was completely messing with my emotions and feelings.
That person was my boyfriend at the time.
I felt anxious every time I headed over to his apartment, having no idea what to expect or what mood he would be in.
But I loved him, so I was willing to see who would be waiting for me at the end of each day.
His opinion and influence began seeping into every aspect of my life. It was as if he had taken his claws and they were so deep in me that I was doing everything he asked. It ended up causing damage to multiple avenues in my life.
My relationships began to suffer.
My Mom and I already had a rocky relationship, and she was in another state asking me to come visit while she was in the country. I asked my ex if he would go with me, but eventually, I was talked out of going.
He told me that I shouldn’t waste my time on someone that didn’t love me.
I feel like it was the final straw that broke my relationship with my Mom beyond repair due to the lack of support I was given. She never told me that she didn’t love me, but I was insecure and he preyed on the information I had shared with him.
He also told me that my Dad was just trying to manipulate me and control me. after we had a terrible experience with him during a visit. What’s funny is that’s exactly what he was trying to do, but I didn’t talk to my Dad for many months after that incident.
Somehow I managed to keep most of my friend relationships intact. However, they did express their dislike of his actions, and
my best friend actually said that she saw nothing but evil when she looked into his eyes.
Him “trying to help me” resulted in new insecurities.
We were in the car driving to California when my ex told me I needed to start getting everything waxed on my entire body because I was “too” hairy. Apparently kissing me was like kissing a man, according to him.
He joked about it, and said he knew it was a sensitive topic and he just wanted to be honest.
I asked some friends later on, and they were all dumbfounded. I’m fair-skinned and am not a hairy person by any means but after he told me that I decided to buy some hot wax and basically rip my face off. Later on, when I told the truth about what he had said, my best friend told me she would have told me if I needed to do anything beauty related but there was no need.
I became convinced I was the toxic one.
A group of us wanted to go to vegas for a girl’s trip and his suspicion instantly was revealed. He said I just wanted attention and to mess around with guys. I kept pleading for him to listen to me, and said I would never do that to him, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.
He “let” me go, but was cold and rude the entire time I was there. It made me question everything about myself.
Was I too nice to men? Should I be more withdrawn? Was I a slut?
I felt like no matter what I kept messing things up…so I tried more and more and it mattered less and less.
I ended up feeling like I was going insane.
How did someone that was into conspiracy theories and aliens make me feel like I was the looney one?
We watched so many insane shows that I began to almost believe what we were watching, even though I knew it was ridiculous. Now, I’m not discrediting that there could be life outside of this planet but this was all he watched. Everyone was out to get him, and he was extremely paranoid and angry.
I began to feel like I was losing my grip on reality. He made me feel stupid for growing up in the Christian faith and used every opportunity that he could to discredit who I was and what I believed in. I began to wonder what it was that I believed in and allowed myself to be influenced by his personal beliefs.
I left the relationship completely broken.
I’ve been through my fair share of breakups and usually, I mourn the loss of the relationship and then move on.
This was different. I left feeling unsure of who I was. I felt shaken to my core and I was a mess. I participated in self-harm behaviors and even when I moved to a new city, I felt like he haunted me for long after I had left.
It was a long process to start healing, and even now, almost three years later I still feel the effects in my new relationship. I am not as confident as I used to be, nor as sure of myself. I am just starting to express my needs and desires because I’ve realized I have to be my own advocate.
I was so used to my needs being ignored and dismissed that I forgot that I could express them and that I should express them. I’m not crazy, nor was I ever crazy. He just tried to convince me that I was and for a moment, I believed him. Never again.
