Summary

The article details the personal account of a survivor of long-term emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and escaping such relationships.

Abstract

The author of the article shares their experience of enduring over two decades of abuse from their ex-husband, including emotional manipulation, control, and sexual coercion. Despite the challenges of questioning her own memory and sanity, the survivor lists the abusive behaviors she endured, such as her ex-husband's belief in the rarity of domestic violence and his blaming of women for provoking it, his double standards regarding social outings, his control over her movements, his disdain for women, his use of pornography to dictate sexual acts, his destruction of property as a display of violence, his suicide threats, and his gaslighting. The article aims to empower other victims by highlighting the insidious nature of abuse and the impact of long-term conditioning that can erode one's self-worth and perception.

Opinions

The author believes that domestic violence organizations are crucial in combating abuse and challenges the misconception that women are the main perpetrators of domestic violence.
The survivor expresses confusion and self-doubt, which are common in victims of long-term abuse, and emphasizes the importance of therapy in recognizing and healing from abuse.
The article suggests that society often overlooks emotional and psychological abuse, focusing primarily on physical violence, which can lead to victims not recognizing their situation as abusive.
The author conveys that abusers often use control and manipulation to isolate their victims, making them feel dependent and powerless.
The survivor highlights the role of societal gender norms in perpetuating abuse, as her ex-husband expected her to conform to unrealistic standards while he made no effort with his appearance.
The article underscores the significance of believing victims and providing them with support and validation, which can be a critical step in their journey to safety and recovery.

The Signs of Abuse You Should Never Ignore

The harsh reality may be staring you right in the face

A powerful tool in the battle against domestic abuse are the stories of brave survivors. They are (usually) women who have been through physical, emotional, sexual, and other forms of abuse at the hands of a partner who coerced, manipulated, and controlled them, often for years or decades.

It is only now, almost five years since I finally got away from my ex, that I can honestly reflect and come to terms with the damage that he has done.

It isn’t easy. I’m still very confused. I constantly question my own memory, my own sanity.

Was it really that bad?

On the advice of my therapist, I have made a list of the bizarre and downright abusive behaviors and attitudes that my ex-husband engaged in during the more than two decades that we were together.

I share some of the list I made in the hope that someone reading this will realize that they are not alone, that there is hope and that change is possible, regardless of how long it has been going on.

That they deserve to live.

He believed domestic violence was rare, and that women were the main perpetrators

May is Domestic Violence Prevention Month in Australia. The message is everywhere, on the sides of buses, on signboards, in the media.

“To violence against women, Australia says No”

If we were out driving and saw any of this advertising, I knew it would be on. It made him really, really angry. He would rant on and on until I agreed with him. Agreed that the domestic violence organisations were run by a bunch of man-hating lesbian feminists and that domestic violence doesn’t exist, or if it does, women cause it by pushing men too far.

Anything to keep the peace.

He regularly went out with his mates. I went out with my girlfriends once in 20 years

Double standards. He did what he wanted. I had to beg to do anything without him. Work-related events were the toughest; most of the time I just found an excuse not to go. It was not worth the interrogation when I got home.

Sometimes, he would come. He hated anyone from my professional circle. He would stand in the corner like a bouncer. He would humiliate me in front of my colleagues. He would say they were pretentious and that the males were not real men (because they wore suits and had clean fingernails).

I rarely went anywhere without him (except for work)

He would turn up at my office and demand to see me, force me to leave meetings with no genuine emergency. If I was not in the office, he would search the local cafes for me. If he found me having lunch with a friend, he would come and sit down. He would be reasonably polite until I got home.

Then, he would be furious I had made lunch arrangements without his permission.

He hated women

On the way to my 18-week ultrasound he told me that he ‘would be very disappointed if the baby was a girl’. This was after we had already lost 4 babies to miscarriage.

He made no secret of his disdain for women, especially strong women. Women existed for the service of men. Heels were never high enough, skirts never short enough, tops never low enough.

Yet he was an unattractive man, who made no effort with his appearance whatsoever.

He watched porn and then expected me to do the same things (regardless of how I felt about it)

No had no meaning to him. He did what he wanted anyway. Sex was to meet his needs and for no other purpose. It certainly had nothing to do with expressing love.

He didn’t hit me, but he threw the kettle, tables, and punched the walls

Recently, my therapist told me that he is a violent man, even though he never punched me. Why didn’t I ever realize that? Yet, after we separated and he asked me why I left him I said:

“I’m afraid to live with you.”

He said, “I never hit you, you’re making it all up.”

He constantly threatened suicide

Or worse. He sympathized with men who kill their families, then themselves. It was always her fault.

He made me out to be the crazy one

I remember shaking on the floor and hearing him call my sister and say, “We are going to all have to work together and get her some help, she’s terribly depressed, the tablets are obviously not working.”

Not a thought for the two hours of ranting threats I had just endured. I was just too sensitive. And everybody treated me like a fragile depressed doll.

I constantly walked on eggshells

I lived in fear of putting a foot wrong, of doing anything wrong. I gradually died inside, I no longer knew who I was or what I cared about. I hoped he would die, I seriously contemplated killing myself.

The life I was living was like a prison, and I was too terrified to leave him.

Why was I so blind?

This is only an example of how my first husband gradually eroded the essence of who I was, how he subjected me to death by a thousand cuts.

Looking back, I still don’t understand how an intelligent, educated, and successful woman can be so conditioned, so confused, and so incapable of seeing her own value.

How did I not see it?

Sadly, that is what long term conditioning does. Your own instincts start to malfunction and eventually cease to work at all. The internal guidance system of our emotions and intuition is replaced by a robotic method of self-preservation.

A survival plan.

And the cost is always preferring the abuser’s needs and desires to your own. Allowing the real you to slowly die while they survive and thrive.

It’s a price that is too high to pay. If this resonates with you, trust me, he is an abuser, and you deserve so much better.