Are You Accepting Poor Treatment From Your Partner?

It’s time for some hard questions

No relationship is perfect. We bring our own flaws and scars and so does our partner. Sailing is never absolutely smooth. Choppy seas will inevitably rise up. But like rough seas, in a healthy relationship, the storm passes and calm waters are soon restored.

Working through challenges as adults who love and respect each other builds strong foundations on which the relationship can stand. That is if both parties are invested in the relationship and prioritize the welfare of the other. When things turn stormy it’s those foundations that keep you strong.

But what if working through challenges has nothing to do with communication and negotiation? What if resolving conflict means one partner conceding and the other prevailing?

What if you are backing down, every, single, time?

Been there, and stayed decades longer than I should have

I stayed with my abusive ex for 24 years. Even after I got away his torment continued. Long after I re-married he still treated me like his property and ordered me around. We share an adult child with a severe disability and there was always another form to complete or a meeting to attend. Another excuse to call, coerce and control me.

Nothing changed.

Not until I completely cut contact, which came with a high price of its own.

I know a thing or two about domestic abuse. My hope is that by sharing my story, and what I have learned since escaping, I will help other women to avoid, or get out of, destructive relationships with toxic men.

The hard questions

I’m not a psychologist but I do have a bucket-load of personal experience. I have read widely on the subject of misogyny and domestic abuse. It isn’t easy to face the reality that your relationship is unhealthy and that the person who is supposed to love and protect you, is in fact abusing you.

But I do ask you to ask yourself these questions. If you see yourself in my answers please seek help, please be honest, please change your life.

Because I am living proof that it is never too late to start over.

Does he trivialize your feelings?

I knew deep down I should not feel the way I did in my first marriage. I met him young and didn’t have a lot of previous experience. I had no yardstick to alert me that something was wrong.

Perhaps that’s one reason why I fell into the trap.

In moments of bravery, I would confront him about how he spoke to me, how he treated me. He would blame my emotions, tell me I was too sensitive and that I should ‘talk to someone about it’. He would continually confess his love for me and describe us as being ‘joined at the hip’.

Sometimes I would say to him ‘I can’t reconcile how you treat me with how much you say you love me’. His response would be to tell me that I’m ‘super-sensitive and need anti-depressants’.

A person who is worthy of being your partner values and prioritizes your feelings, and is gentle with your sensitive soul.

Because your feelings matter.

Are you managing his behavior with your own?

Does he blame you for his outbursts? Does he sulk when he doesn’t get his own way? Is he enraged when you disagree with him or don’t go along with what he wants to do?

Do you agree with him to keep the peace when inside you are screaming ‘NO’?

My ex had a bizarre sense of his own self-importance and honestly believed he had never been wrong about anything in his life. To challenge him was to wound him, and because he was deeply insecure and blamed women generally for everything, anything that displeased him was my fault.

I remember saying to him when our son was young “I feel like I can’t put a foot wrong’. His response, ‘you just don’t like being told’.

He was right about that one.

In a healthy relationship, you can air your views, express your desires and together you decide how you will utilize your time, energy and resources.

Because your voice matters.

Does he ridicule your opinions?

I don’t like guns. It’s just me, I’m not judging anyone that does, I just don’t. My ex liked shooting for a hobby, particularly rabbits. I actually didn’t mind him going away on a shooting weekend, it gave me a break from him.

But one day he stuck a ‘VOTE SHOOTERS & FISHERS PARTY’ sticker on my car. He became enraged when I took it off, even more so when I said I would vote in accordance with my own convictions.

In a healthy relationship, you can have different points of view, you can talk about them, disagree, and still love and care for each other.

Never let anyone silence your voice, because your opinions matter.

Does he belittle your achievements?

I am an educated woman with a successful professional career. I studied as a mature age student after dropping out of high school due to bullying. I commuted and worked full time while studying. Towards the end of my degree, my son was born. He wasn’t a healthy child and we spent a lot of his early years in hospital. I still managed to pass my exams and earn my degree.

Years later when Jack started school I finally started practicing law. I was offered partnership within three years and quickly gained a reputation as a highly competent commercial lawyer.

People would say things to him like ‘you must be so proud of her, achieving all she has while coping with all Jack’s challenges’. Comments like this would enrage him.

Towards the end, he would drop me at the station so I could go to Court in Sydney. His parting words would be something like “go and get your kill”.

He hated that I could do something he couldn’t, hated that I earned three times as much money as him. Hated that when I stood up in Court, people listened to what I had to say.

Hated that people admired my success.

If your partner dismisses your wins, think twice, because it’s okay to celebrate your achievements.

Because your success matters.

Does he make all the decisions?

As we know abuse is a tool used by the perpetrator to exert control and gain or maintain, power. Sometimes the abuser has a psychiatric condition like narcissism. Often, however, it’s plain, simple misogyny. Behavior that shields a scared man, a man that is terrified of the woman’s ability to abandon him.

My ex was intensely controlling and made all the decisions for us as a couple, and for me as a person. He decided what I wore and ate, and who, if anyone I could see without him present.

My ideas were shot down in an instant. My dreams were ridiculed, my concerns dismissed. As the years went by it never got any better, only worse.

Don’t allow anyone to make your decisions for you.

Because your autonomy matters.

Have you lost custody of your body?

How do you honestly feel about sex with your partner? If you had asked me when I was still with my ex I would have told you I would be happy to never have sex again. Every single time I felt violated. I was simply an object to meet his needs. Afterward, I would throw up and then shower, every time. I would then rest knowing that I probably had 24 hours before I would have to go through that again.

He coerced me into things I didn’t want to do but felt I had no choice. His wrath was something I would avoid, even if it meant my body was treated like a pincushion.

You have a right to determine what happens to your body.

Because your body matters.

How does he compare to the other men in your life?

It’s not generally healthy to go around comparing people. We are all unique individuals and that’s how it’s supposed to be.

But it can be a useful tool when you are confused, abused and trying to work out which way is up. Observing the relationships of people close to you can provide crucial insight.

I am the oldest of three girls. Both of my younger sisters are married to gentle, kind and safe men. Men that my ex referred to as ‘hen-pecked’.

(Hen-pecked meant a man who couldn’t keep a woman in her place).

You deserve a relationship where your partner treats you with care, scars and all.

Because you matter.

Have you lost hope for the future?

When the future looks bleak and we lose hope, we lose our sense of purpose. If you feel stuck in a relationship with someone who rules the roost in every possible way then you may feel like you are silently dying.

I became suicidal. The thought of growing old with this person was too much to bear. I fantasized about getting away but was far too afraid to leave. Trauma bonds and de-selfing saw to it that I felt totally and utterly trapped.

Death seemed like an attractive escape hatch to freedom.

Never let anyone make you feel like you’d rather be dead.

Because your life matters.

Did this resonate with you?

If so please seek professional help. I know you might think you are the only one in the prison that is a relationship like what I have described. You might think no one will believe you.

I believed that too. I was wrong.

Find a therapist who knows about misogynistic relationships. Keep looking until you find someone who really hears you and who you feel comfortable with.

I also strongly recommend you read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan Forward.

I warn you though, you may get a sore neck from all the nodding.