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Abstract

the eyes of Jack’s service providers, therapists and day program my ex is a living saint. He is elevated to hero status simply because he is a single dad looking after his own child.</p><p id="3dda">As the full-time carer, he is in charge of Jack’s significant government funding. That funding could easily provide support for me to spend time with Jack but my ex won’t allow it. I have reached out in desperation to the organisations that provide Jack’s services. I have begged them to help me to have a relationship with my son. I have tried to explain that I have PTSD from long term domestic violence. I’ve been told point-blank that they don’t believe me. I’ve been abused and hung up on.</p><p id="906b">They have fallen for the picture that my ex has painted of me. That I’m caught up in my own life and career and don’t care about Jack.</p><p id="5666">What they don’t see is that I came to a point where I could not manage a fully grown man with the mind of a toddler. I could no longer keep him or myself safe. I have also finally accepted that I cannot have any contact with my ex-husband for the sake of my own mental health, and need a way to have a relationship with my son without his involvement.</p><p id="507a">I am a woman who has admitted I can’t do it without support and I am being punished for my honesty and vulnerability. What’s worse is that a lot of the judgment and cruelty comes from other women.</p><p id="ea13">They are ignoring the voiceless human in this triangle. The disabled person that they are paid to serve. The young man who I know loves and misses me.</p><p id="3767">Five years and his father is still angry that I left. He told my sister that I wasn’t supposed to be <i>able</i> to get away.</p><p id="b986">A disabled child is a gift to an abusive controlling man. The vulnerable innocent human is used as a weapon to perpetrate abuse long after the woman has physically escaped. This type of abuse will not end unless the woman makes the most heartbreaking decision of all. The decision to no longer allow her child to be used as an instrument of control.</p><h2 id="fe6b">Imagine if we treated men who won’t as we treat women who can’t.</h2><p id="c657">This is a rarely talked about area of gross inequality and intense prejudice against mothers. Women don’t share their stories because of the fear of judgment and ridicu

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le.</p><p id="9192">Though this agonizing separation from my only child I have observed a disturbing trend that is not often discussed. We <i>let</i> men leave. It happens for a multitude of reasons no doubt, the fact is parenting a person with a disability is a <i>very</i> tough gig.</p><p id="c132">Fathers can leave and society allows them to live. They are released to get on with their lives.</p><p id="c190">The same cannot be said for mothers, mothers who hold on far beyond their capacity and only let go when their tank is beyond empty.</p><p id="0d24">Mothers can’t fail. Mothers cannot burn out. Mothers are expected to parent until it literally kills them. Mothers cannot say no.</p><p id="e373">Because I am Jack’s Mother, I am found guilty without having my story heard, presumptions are made about my motivation, a verdict is made and judgment is passed. I have no forum to which I can appeal my case.</p><p id="48cd">I am sentenced to life where I am painted as a selfish uncaring mother. A life separated from the child that I carried, that I love immensely.</p><p id="0afb">All I can do is trust in my deep relationship with my son, and trust he will not forget me.</p><div id="64d1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-deep-insecurity-of-the-misogynist-b41d825514ad"> <div> <div> <h2>The Deep Insecurity of the Misogynist</h2> <div><h3>What makes some men hate women?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*SiXIO6qsNsZ-gD0A)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="8dc7" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-lawyers-response-to-a-troll-s-misogynist-rant-1ff05dbff51c"> <div> <div> <h2>A Lawyer’s Response to a Troll’s Misogynist Rant</h2> <div><h3>The defense rests.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*wLnvOF4QuSRq0VNn)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

We Let Fathers Walk and Crucify Mothers Who Can’t Cope

Trial by gender is rampant when it comes to parenting the severely disabled.

In 2001 and after four miscarriages, I finally held a real live baby in my arms. By the time Jack was born I was already terrified of my husband. I resented being followed, controlled, and told what to eat, wear and do. I was ridiculed and threatened, belittled at every opportunity.

I felt trapped but was deceived into believing that a baby would help our marriage. It was foolish. For a while though Jack was a beautiful distraction from the agony of my life. I loved him more than I thought was possible.

I still do.

Jack was a sick baby and slow to reach his milestones. By the time he turned 2 he was mildly developmentally delayed. He started having seizures and by 3 was diagnosed with autism. By 5, he was diagnosed with a severe intellectual disability.

I was constantly reminded of how lucky I was that my husband didn’t leave me. All around me I saw examples of men who left the woman holding the (disabled) baby. Despite the abuse, I felt fortunate, for a while, that he didn’t desert me, leave me to do it all on my own.

Over the next decade, the torture intensified and I finally left him when Jack was 14. By this stage, my son was a big strong teenager with an intellectual age of 2.

For a while, we juggled 50/50 care. I grew terrified of my son, who quickly grew into a 6-foot tall adult, weighing 190 pounds and who was stronger than most grown men. The day inevitably arrived that I could not look after him.

And now I can’t see him at all. Its been months.

My ex is holding all the cards.

He can still manage Jack, and as far as I know looks after him very well. In the eyes of Jack’s service providers, therapists and day program my ex is a living saint. He is elevated to hero status simply because he is a single dad looking after his own child.

As the full-time carer, he is in charge of Jack’s significant government funding. That funding could easily provide support for me to spend time with Jack but my ex won’t allow it. I have reached out in desperation to the organisations that provide Jack’s services. I have begged them to help me to have a relationship with my son. I have tried to explain that I have PTSD from long term domestic violence. I’ve been told point-blank that they don’t believe me. I’ve been abused and hung up on.

They have fallen for the picture that my ex has painted of me. That I’m caught up in my own life and career and don’t care about Jack.

What they don’t see is that I came to a point where I could not manage a fully grown man with the mind of a toddler. I could no longer keep him or myself safe. I have also finally accepted that I cannot have any contact with my ex-husband for the sake of my own mental health, and need a way to have a relationship with my son without his involvement.

I am a woman who has admitted I can’t do it without support and I am being punished for my honesty and vulnerability. What’s worse is that a lot of the judgment and cruelty comes from other women.

They are ignoring the voiceless human in this triangle. The disabled person that they are paid to serve. The young man who I know loves and misses me.

Five years and his father is still angry that I left. He told my sister that I wasn’t supposed to be able to get away.

A disabled child is a gift to an abusive controlling man. The vulnerable innocent human is used as a weapon to perpetrate abuse long after the woman has physically escaped. This type of abuse will not end unless the woman makes the most heartbreaking decision of all. The decision to no longer allow her child to be used as an instrument of control.

Imagine if we treated men who won’t as we treat women who can’t.

This is a rarely talked about area of gross inequality and intense prejudice against mothers. Women don’t share their stories because of the fear of judgment and ridicule.

Though this agonizing separation from my only child I have observed a disturbing trend that is not often discussed. We let men leave. It happens for a multitude of reasons no doubt, the fact is parenting a person with a disability is a very tough gig.

Fathers can leave and society allows them to live. They are released to get on with their lives.

The same cannot be said for mothers, mothers who hold on far beyond their capacity and only let go when their tank is beyond empty.

Mothers can’t fail. Mothers cannot burn out. Mothers are expected to parent until it literally kills them. Mothers cannot say no.

Because I am Jack’s Mother, I am found guilty without having my story heard, presumptions are made about my motivation, a verdict is made and judgment is passed. I have no forum to which I can appeal my case.

I am sentenced to life where I am painted as a selfish uncaring mother. A life separated from the child that I carried, that I love immensely.

All I can do is trust in my deep relationship with my son, and trust he will not forget me.