The Seven ‘Deadly’ Sins of Online Dating

The worst mistakes men make on dating apps and how to correct them

I recently came across a profile on the dating app Feeld that had nothing on it but a picture of a cucumber. That’s right, apart from the required name, age, gender, and location; nothing. Well, except for a frikkin cucumber.

I swiped left so fast I don’t remember Cucumber Guy’s name, but let’s call him Chris. Afterward, I thought about Chris the Cucumber Guy. Not because I’d like to get to know him. First, I have absolutely no idea who Chris is and based on his profile he seems lazy, uninteresting, timid… and, did I mention, lazy? All of which are qualities I find the opposite of attractive in a person.

The reason I couldn’t get Chris out of my head is that I really wonder what he’s thinking, starting with why do you even bother going on a dating app if that’s all the effort you’re planning to make? And, come to think of it, I wonder what a lot of guys on dating apps are thinking, if they’re thinking at all that is…

Dick is abundant and easy to come by

I believe it was Dan Savage who said that in one of his latest Lovecasts, and he’s right; dick is ubiquitous, at least in the dating app world.

In the UK, men outnumber women on Tinder by nine-to-one and in the US by about eight-to-one. Various statistics show slightly different digits, but it’s clear that males eclipse females on all dating apps everywhere by at least a four-to-one ratio.

Whereas in most other places in society women are at a disadvantage, the online dating world is one where the tables are turned; here we call the shots and the rules that apply to you don’t necessarily apply to us and vice versa. To give an example, a woman just (or non-discriminatory) looking for sex will usually get it fairly easily. She can simply flaunt a bra strap and write “here for dick” and it will come to her. I’m not saying this will appeal to most men, but to enough that she will get what she came for. A man doing the same? Not so much.

As a feminist I’m all for equality in all areas, here including, but let’s face it, we’re not quite there yet. So, while I’m not claiming that it’s fair, it is what it is and we’re forced to adapt, right?

Let’s take a clue from the animal kingdom

Out in the wild, males have long adapted to their disadvantages in the dating world. Have you ever seen the mating dance of the Peacock Spider? Or the Bird of Paradise? Men on dating apps, please take notice — you have a thing or two to learn:

The Bird of Paradise not only dances and fluffs his feathers to impress the female but also decorates his display area with flower petals and gemstones. In the Peacock Spider’s mating ritual, the female will judge the male by his ability to tantalize her with his elaborate moves and colors. The more compelling the dance, the more likely she is to accept his advances. In the case that she disapproves, she will kill and eat him.

I’m (obviously) not suggesting we go to these extremes, but, if you’ve got it, flaunt it—unless we’re talking about the size of your penis. We don’t need to know that…yet. I’ll get to this later.

Just for funsies though, for the rest of this article, we’re going to pretend that we’re Peacock Spiders: You’re the male and I’m the female and a left swipe means you’re toast. In that case, the following seven sins would get you killed:

1. Your profile text is empty

My philosophy here is this; if your profile is empty, or nearly, I’ll assume the same about you. Empty profiles warrant an immediate left-swipe. I don’t care if you’re Jeff Wilbusch (swoon), I’ll just assume you’re dumb as a rock or really boring. A hot-bod without brains is just a lump of flesh and bones and ain’t nobody got time for that! That’s why we have vibrators—and they take a fraction of the time and effort with guaranteed satisfaction.

The trite stereotype that men want fast sex and women are always looking for commitment is outdated. But, even if we are just looking for sex, or something otherwise light, easy, and unattached we need a little bit of substance—we still care who the penis is attached to.

Classic excuses for having a near-empty profile include, but are not limited to: “I’m not good at writing about myself…” Cool. Try harder! “Writing about myself feels narcissistic!” What? That’s what you’re here for dumbass. “I’m new here and will fill out this thing soon.” I bet you will… NOT. “Just ask!” Nope! You tell me, goddammit.

How to survive | Tell me something interesting about yourself! Anything is always better than nothing, and, in fact, there’s no need to be wordy at all. I’ve often swiped right over a few lines of well-chosen words, just make them count. It could be anything, from a combination of a clever quote from your favorite author or movie with a sentence about what gets you up in the morning, to what you want to experience; anything that makes you stand out and reveals something about the person behind the profile picture. This brings me to the next point.

2. No (real) photos

Dear Chris the Cucumber Guy I’m still not sure what you were trying to tell me with your picture. You’re composed of mostly water? You’re healthy and fresh but rather bland? You’re green? (No kidding) Something about the size of your penis? I don’t know, and I also don’t care…

No picture at all, a picture of someone else, a blurry picture, a picture of a cartoon character or celebrity, a meme, your washboard abs with no face, you in a carnival mask. I’ve seen them all and none of them do it. You’re basically dead to me!

How to survive | Show me at least three pictures of yourself: A recent one that clearly shows your face—I want to be able to recognize you if we decide to meet in a public place. A second that shows more of you to give me an idea of how you carry yourself—you may keep your clothes on though. A third that reveals something about you and your personality—this can be anything as long as it’s authentic. Once you have these covered, feel free to add all the memes and cartoons you want as they might now start to make sense and shape the full picture of a real person.

3. You assume I have nothing better to do

“Let’s just meet and find out!” I can’t tell you how much I abhor this line. I realize that there are single and childfree people out there with steady, simple nine-to-five jobs and not a lot else going on. In those cases, maybe it does make sense to go on a ton of dates with random people without any prior idea of whether or not you’ll have a good time. I’m not one of those, and neither are most people.

While I detest the busier than thou competition, my time is precious and I carefully decide how and with whom I spend it. I also cherish my alone time and need it to recharge. Plus, dates can be extremely exhausting.

Equally bad is the person you match with who immediately asks “what are you up to tonight?” Give it a minute and let’s exchange at least a few sentences to establish whether or not we have rapport.

How to survive | Show some interest in getting to know me before you insist on meeting. I understand the wish to not chat endlessly for weeks before take it further, but there’s a middle ground. When you show respect for my time and boundaries you make me feel safe and cared for. When you push too hard, I pull away. Bye!

4. You’re oh-so vague

You like books and films and good food and traveling? You like having fun? You’re laid back and easygoing? Great, you sound like every other person on the planet [yawn!] And, everyone knows that people who describe themselves as easygoing are often the opposite.

I saw a profile that said they were into “all the kinks” and I was really tempted to match just so I could mess with them and write; “cool, I’ve looked everywhere for someone who’d let me poop on them!” or “sweet, I’ll bring my flesh hooks right over!”. No? But, you said…

No one’s into all the kinks—or all of anything. Saying that is akin to saying nothing at all, so you might as well save your breath.

How to survive | Be as specific as you can. Describe and mention the exact thing you like, and why. While I get the strategy behind casting a wide net to increase your odds, this actually works against you in real life. When you’re honest and clear about who you are, what you like, who you’re looking for you’re much more likely to attract your tribe, and less likely to waste your own time—or anyone else’s.

5. You mention (the size of) your dick

“Well hung!”, “I’m big, if you know what I mean… [insert wink emoji]”, “Tall and large! [insert eggplant]”, “HUUUGE cock!”. Alright, the size of your penis is above average and you’re clearly proud of it. Gotcha.

Ironically, talking about your big dick in your profile bio is small dick energy (as problematic as that term is). Even if it’s in a hook-up app, doing this fails to acknowledge basic female psychology. I’m not sure if this works in male gay dating apps and I’d love to be a fly on the wall on Grindr to find out, but it doesn’t do it for (most) women. Even though many of us won’t scoff at a well sized member, research shows that the majority prefers an average sized penis for long term relationships and chose a slightly larger (by a few millimeters) for a one-night-stand or short affairs.

Dangling your dick like a carrot simply has the opposite effect here. It makes me wonder if that’s all you have to offer. You can’t have much else of substance if that’s the first thing you bring to the table? And again, we have dildos at home, and some of them are HUUUGE too! We’ve got that covered.

How to survive | Again, tell me something that matters; I want to know what’s going on in your head before I find out what’s happening in your pants. Depending on the type of app talking about sex is more than acceptable, but again, tell me what and how you like it! Someone interested in exploring and giving pleasure—who are specific about their kinks and desires—are far more likely to stop me in my tracks than someone mentioning their measurements.

6. You lie about your age—or something else

I recently discussed this with a girlfriend who was trying to convince me that I should understand why men lie about their ages because many women set an age limit and if they fall over (or under) this limit they won’t show up in their searches.

Well, there’s a reason why we set those limits in the first place and that should be respected. I’m personally fairly flexible and open to matching with guys at least a decade younger or older than me. Others may have different preferences. My issue is more with the dishonesty than the age itself. When I matched with someone whose profile said 45 but they turned out to be 53 I was way more discouraged by the lie than his age. What else did he lie about?

How to survive | If it, for whatever reason, makes you feel better to subtract or add a couple of years to your age—maybe you genuinely feel a tiny bit older or younger than you are? Sure, go ahead, I won’t run when I find out. But almost an entire decade? That’s taking it too far. It’s the same as using very old photos or editing with unrealistic filters. Perhaps you feel that convincing someone to meet you in person is half the battle, and maybe you’re right about that too, but if I do decide to meet you and you’re nothing likeimage you presented to me it’s very unlikely that I’ll stick around very long. I would have much preferred that you revealed your real age or those charming smile lines, to begin with. Honesty is always the way to go and gets you further in the long run!

7. You make blatant spelling and grammar mistakes

As a writer, this may bother me more than the average person, but I’m not expecting literary excellence in a dating app profile—by far. No, I’m well aware that I live in an international city where the majority are writing in their second or third language. I don’t mind those kinds of mistakes and I can easily spot the difference between “I’m doing my best in a language that isn’t my own” and “I don’t really give a shit!”.

The latter is off-putting. If you don’t know the difference between it’s and its, or there, their and they’re you should consider running your text through Grammarly or the like. The same goes for blatant punctuation errors. Who uses two commas in a row? Or exclamation marks after every sentence. Are you yelling at me, or just extremely excited to be here?

Also, if you’re an adult man, plz cnsdr droppin dat millennial slang and txtng lingo, or u def won’t c me l8r boi. U copy? PZ!

How to survive | As with most of these errors, it’s all about not being a lazy sloth. Instead, put in some effort and show that you care. Write something meaningful, read it out loud to yourself a few times, run it through spellcheck and you’re already miles ahead of your competition.

Did you make it out alive? I sure hope so. If not, you can be happy we’re not really Peacock spiders—even if you won’t be having dinner (yet), at least I won’t be having you for dinner. Besides, this was just a trial round so you have time to go back and fix your mistakes before the real mating dance starts.

As opposed to in the animal kingdom though, a series of elaborate moves and colors aren’t really necessary. All that’s asked of you is a some genuine care. So often I hear guys complain about their lack of luck on dating apps, and I understand that it’s tough out there. At the same time, with the number of guys I see making minimal effort to expect maximum output, it really doesn’t take all that much to stand out.

To sum it all up; write something about yourself that is clear, truthful, non-generic and respectful. Run it through your spelling app. Add at least two pictures that look like you. Then, be kind. That’s all there is to it.

Now, go shake those tailfeathers!