The Secrets To A Lasting Marriage
The cliches, explained.
You know that marriage is hard work. You just don’t know how hard until you’re being tested.
It’s even more unfair when you find yourself scrolling through social media and seeing happy snippets of other couples, right when you’re going through a hard patch or argument.
But the problem is that you see the whole of your marriage through a grey lens, and compare it to the happy snippets of others’. You haven’t got their whole picture of marriage, so you sell yourself short every time you compare their snippets to your whole picture.
Adjust Your Expectations
It’s impossible to have those happy snippets 100% of the time. Your mood changes throughout the day, for different reasons, so to expect a happy marriage all the time is unfair on yourself and your spouse.
What you can aim for is a bigger picture of overall happiness, which often might be translated as “good enough”. But this can seem disappointing when the image of marriage fed to us by the world seems overwhelmingly joyous — because we mostly see those happy snippets.
Make sense?
Lowering your bar isn’t always a bad thing. You lower it together so that you can both work on building yourselves back up in your own way. Don’t follow the standards fed to you by others — make your own.
Enjoy The Small Things
When you lower your standards, you appreciate the small things others often take for granted. This can be applied to the whole of life. I look out to my backyard every morning and think to myself how lucky I am for the flowers. Cheesy as hell but it makes me feel good, and that’s the aim, isn’t it?
One of the most romantic things my husband can do is make me a cup of coffee when I get up at 5 AM. (Husband, if you’re reading, *wink*)
When you give a second thought to the small things that you love about your partner, you increase your love for them.
Continuous Personal Growth
No marriage is perfect, and nor should it be a goal for it to be. People change over time. Priorities change, circumstances change, goals change, and thus, marriage needs constant reflection, evaluation, re-evaluation, and improvement.
The thing about making it work during those changes is that drive to work with each other to continue pushing through and growing.
Growing together, but mostly, growing as individuals and supporting the other while they grow, too.
My husband works from home, but he can go through periods of hiding in his office for 16 hours at a time, and although the kids and I miss him, I support him. My son and I will make snacks in the afternoon and take some up to him. I’ll sort lunch, and dinner, and take on a load of all mundane and practical things so that he can prioritize that work.
And in return, he’ll do whatever needs to be done to allow me to work on my own personal goals.
Don’t strive for perfection, but aim to always learn. Push your partner to achieve what they want.
Keep Getting to Know Your Spouse
Drop the expectations to know your partner inside and out because it’s impossible.
When you think you know your spouse 100%, something will throw you off when you least expect it. I’ve been with my husband for over a decade and I don’t feel like I know him 100%. But that’s okay. There’s no rush. Not only that, but change is inevitable.
People change. Personalities change. It’s more about aligned purposes and goals than character traits.
Learn About the 5 Love Languages
When my husband and I butt heads it’s often because of an unmet expectation that one has not relayed to the other.
Sometimes, I need him to listen to me vent about my day. Other times, I need a hug. Sometimes, taking on a few chores around the house makes a difference.
Devonte will point-blank and ask me what I need from him after I’ve had a bad day so that he can help me feel better. But I often don’t know. So he can only try certain things to help me, and I can appreciate them all, communicate which approach worked and in which scenario, and go from there.
Essentially, what we’re doing, is working out which love language he can speak to me in order to meet my needs at different times.
Here’s a quick breakdown of what they are, according to author Gary Chapman:
Quality time
Give undivided attention to your partner so that you can really connect.
Acts of service
It can go from emptying the dishwasher to helping you sort the utility bills. Anything that relieves them from a chore or task can go a long way.
Gifts
Give something to your partner that you know they will appreciate — from an expensive necklace to a handwritten note. It’s not materialistic, but rather the thought behind gift-giving that they appreciate.
Physical touch
Intimacy is the most innocent form to make a difference — a shoulder rub after a hard day, a comforting hug, or even handholding while watching TV.
Affirmations
Bigging up your spouse in a personalized way — about their physical appearance, growth in their career, or because they’re awesome for what they do. Unsolicited compliments can make their day if this is their love language.
Knowing these will help figure out how you want to be loved, and how you can love your partner, and help each other out even during worse times.
Last Thoughts
Marriage doesn’t have easy hacks and secrets. You can’t compare a lifetime commitment to cleaning water marks off your shower screen. Life is full of lessons and change, and so is marriage.
It’s the ability to constantly learn and grow. To celebrate the successes and push each other up during the lows.
Takeaway
I hope this gave you a reality check:
There is no secret or hack to marriage, and there is no such thing as an easy one. Marriage is about two committed people who want to stay together no matter what and are willing to do what it takes.
Adjust your expectations — don’t compare yourself to others because your perception will always be distorted. Lower your bar and learn to enjoy the small things about each other, and build up new standards together.
Pursue your own growth. Outline your goals and communicate them so your spouse can support you while working on their own.
Change is inevitable — don’t be shocked when something new pops up and it challenges you. Change is permanent, so go along with it and learn.
Get practical, learn about the five love languages and work out how you and your spouse can help each other feel good.
I hope this helps.
Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.
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