The Secret of a Happier, Richer Life

This Is NOT Clickbait. Here are 4 simple steps to get you there!

Many years ago, I asked “Laura” (not her real name), a woman who suffered from chronic depression, to be my guinea pig. She was a good soul and a brilliant therapist. But outside the office, she often felt alone and alienated.

When she hiked or encountered others in the supermarket or the locker room at the Y, Laura rarely talked to anyone. She barely saw them.

“I have an idea,” I said one day when our conversation veered toward Laura’s mental health. We were friends; she trusted me. And, she knew that I was about to suggest some self-improvement strategy — an occupational hazard when one writes advice for a living!

I’d just published a book about importance of casual social ties. While I understood that Laura’s pain was real — a tsunami of dark thoughts engulfing her — it is vital for human beings to feel a sense of belonging. Feeling connected is critical for managing whatever comes at you in life, including depression.

Laura had a small circle of intimates, but she ignored — and thus didn’t nourish — casual relationships.

“For the next several days,” I suggested, “just smile at the people you encounter and see what happens. You don’t have to have a conversation.”

Most people smiled back.* The checker at Walmart. A woman putting her kayak into the water. Fellow yoga students filing into class. Laura realized that she “sort of” recognized many of them. Their faces were familiar, but she’d always averted her eyes.

* This experiment might not have worked in Paris or other locales where smiling strangers are viewed with suspicion or disdain!

Laura enjoyed the experience so much, she was willing to go further: She started to initiate brief conversations with some of the people she encountered during the day.

In essence, instead of withdrawing into herself and being fearful of connection, she discovered she could manage brief social exchanges. Despite her initial skepticism, Laura was amazed at what small, low-stake doses of casual chit-chat did for her.

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s “broaden-and-build” theory helps explain Laura’s newfound openness: Positive emotions serve to broaden our “momentary thought-action repertoires” — how we perceive and respond to what comes at us.

“The daily moments of connection that people feel with others emerge as the tiny engines that drive the upward spiral between positivity and health,” Fredrickson explains.

Consequential Strangers Everywhere

Personal growth is usually two steps forward and one step back. Laura didn’t have a magical conversion or “cure” her depression, but she gained a new appreciation for acquaintances she’d once ignored.

She’s not alone. Once you understand what consequential strangers are, you start to see them everywhere! You notice people that you might have otherwise overlooked. And you begin to realize how much value they add to your life.

In a sense, the book “tells on” social science. For a long time, only intimate relationships were researched and written-about — marriage, family, and, less often, close friends. It was as if relationships on the periphery didn’t matter.

But they do. The butcher, the baker, and your buddies at the gym are just as important to your overall quality of life as those closest to you, albeit in different ways.

For example, you’re unlikely to hear about a job opportunity or a completely new approach to a problem if you don’t venture out of your intimate circles or your usual coven of college pals. Why? Because family member and close friends usually think the way you do and have access to similar resources.

In contrast, consequential strangers have had different experiences and influences. You stand with them on a particular patch of common ground — the neighborhood, a support group, a house of worship . But they are different from you in most other ways and, therefore, can open your eyes to novelty and new possibilities.

How to Make it Happen

You, dear Medium reader (and others who prefer to ingest new ideas in 5- to 7-minute reads), might never read my 300-page book. So I’ll just cut to its core “secret.”

As you go through your day, connect with people you barely know. Acknowledge that you see them. Notice something about them. It will make them feel better, and you, in turn, will reap an even bigger reward: a sense of belonging.

I’m often asked whether I’m unusual when it comes to forging relationships — more outgoing, more willing to talk to strangers. To be sure, I’m a “tawker” as we say in New Yawk. But I wasn’t always this way; I learned the benefit of social skills and practiced them most rigorously, especially after writing the book.

Try these four simple steps:

1. Pay attention.

Give some thought to relationships you might otherwise overlook: with the nice lady at the dry cleaner, your doorman, a fellow parent. Even better, make a list of acquaintances whose familiar faces recur during your weekly comings and goings: the bank teller, the cashier, the receptionist. What do you know about them. What are you curious about? What might you share with them that would better their life?

2. Smile.

Now go forth and connect. Socializing needn’t be stressful. If reaching out feels risky, take it slow. Even an introvert can manage a smile in another person’s direction. That alone has amazing benefits. Smiling is a stress-buster and mood-booster — not just for the person on the receiving end but for the smiler, too.

3. Start a brief conversation.

Find something to say to the other person. Someone who’s had a bad day or is preoccupied with their phone might keep walking. But most people will respond as long as you come at them respectfully and with good intentions. Also, your opening remark must be authentic. Let it be about something you genuinely believe or care about. It could be…

• a compliment (“I love your sneakers”)
• a question (“How do you like your Prius?”)
• a curiosity (“I’ve seen you here before, and I was wondering….”)
• something you have in common (“I have a camera just like that.”)

4. Reveal a little something about yourself.

Getting to know someone is a gradual process. Don’t go too deep too fast. Also, let the other person know something about you. Start with things you might have in common—for example, that you’re also runner or that your favorite car color is red, too.

Nothing is foolproof…

…but these four steps are a good start. Try not to be afraid or make assumptions. A recent study suggests that we have “miscalibrated expectations.” Talking to strangers is a lot better than we anticipate:

As predicted, conversations between strangers felt less awkward, and created more connectedness and happiness, than the participants themselves expected

Oh, and just to be clear: The promise in the title of your life becoming “richer” doesn’t mean you’ll earn more money or win the lottery. Social ties enrich you by opening your eyes, supporting you, and leading you to new experiences and understanding. They can even help you live longer. That’s something mere money can’t buy.

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