The Second Annual NBA Royal Rumble

Thirty men enter. One man leaves. Who will reign victorious?

The NBA takes center stage in January as football dwindles, and this year’s NBA has been hotter than ever. Bad blood reigns between half the teams in the league, and players are fighting in game and out, taking secret tunnels and sending passive aggressive tweets. And all that was before the All-Star draft results are released and sent Russell Westbrook into unexplained fury.

With so much bad blood across the league, there could be only one solution: an NBA Royal Rumble. The rules are simple. One player from each team enters a wrestling ring two minutes apart. Fighters are eliminated when they go over the top rope and both feet touch the ground. Last man standing wins. Anything else goes.

It’s the second annual NBA Royal Rumble. Last year’s champion Joel Embiid watches on. This is a true and complete account of everything that happened.

Entrant #1 — Jimmy Butler

The first buzzer sounds and it’s Jimmy Butler ready for battle, totally undaunted by the fact that being drawn first means he’ll have to battle through 29 two-minute buzzers and outlast everyone else in the NBA. “Just another day in the gym with Thibs!” sneers Jimmy as he awaits his first victim.

#2 — Victor Oladipo

And Butler will begin against the unlikeliest of 2018 All-Stars, the self-proclaimed Mr. Feathery. Oladipo and Butler begin exchanging blows as the Rumble gets underway.

#3 — Miles Plumlee

And down the tunnel comes a sprinting Plumlee! The crowd gasps in confusion as they try to figure out which Dukie this is. Is this the one on the Bucks or the expensive Nuggets guy? Is this the Plumlee on that one Team USA squad? Which team is this Plumlee representing??

The fans barely even notice when Miles is the first eliminated. If only the Hawks could dispatch with his $12.5 million just as easily.

#4 — Dennis Smith, Jr.

It’s our first rookie! Modern day Steve Francis bulldozes into the ring and begins throwing haymakers, and now we’re having fun. DSJ pops Dipo, Oladipo nails Butler, and Jimmy stomps Smith.

#5 — Markelle Fultz

A second straight rookie! The number one pick enters but is noticeably limping. One shoulder slumped, he’s sweating profusely, and it appears his wrist is in a cast. Fultz staggers, then falls to a knee, struggling to make it to the ring. The Philadelphia medical team somberly steps in and stretchers him out of the arena. Unlike Hamilton, Markelle Fultz has thrown away his shot.

#6 — Dwight Howard

Suddenly the sound of “Electrifying” fills the air. Do you smelllllll… what Dwight Howard’s been eating??

A stench fills the arena as Dwight and his farts reach ringside. Howard smiles at the crowd but the fans have already turned on him. Oladipo welcomes him to the ring with a dropkick, Smith gives Howard the Superfly Smash from the top turnbuckle, and Butler finishes the job with The People’s Elbow off the ropes. Howard is down and out, and the trio in the ring happily send him out of the competition.

#7 — Darius Miller #8 — Timofey Mozgov #9 — Richard Jefferson

A new trio enters the fray, and the crowd begins to get restless, waiting for another star face. Mozgov is eager to battle, always at his best just after the buzzer. Miller nearly gets accosted by security, furiously screaming, “I’m a real NBA player! I may even start now!!” Jefferson becomes the oldest fighter in Royal Rumble history. The ring swells to six fighters as no one is eliminated.

#10 — Bobby Portis and Nikola Mirotic

It’s the first ever Royal Rumble tag-team entry!!

The Bulls one-two punch enters the ring and goes on an insane run. Oladipo is over the top rope, then Miller and Mozgov follow soon after. It’s a miracle run for Chicago! The two get their revenge on Jimmy Butler next, taking shot after shot, leaving him staggered in the corner and turning to Dennis Smith.

Portis grabs Smith and sends him into the ropes, spins Mirotic around and sends him toward Smith, but as Portis puts his head down, Smith ducks below, and Niko clotheslines himself and Bobby right out of the ring! Both Bulls are eliminated, and Portis and Mirotic continue to exchange blows as the buzzer sounds again.

#11 — Donovan Mitchell #12 — Kyrie Irving #13 — Austin Rivers

Point guard run! Spida Mitchell comes in with a flourish and goes right after Dennis Smith. Kyrie heads straight for Richard Jefferson and begins recording a podcast with him. He’s a late Rumble entrant after Marcus Smart was disqualified at the last second, accused of punching a wall but claiming he was framed.

But they can hardly hear over the din of the traditional Irish hornpipe as Austin “Hornswoggle” Rivers does a jig into the squared circle! Rivers talks a big game but is distracted by a smiling Clint Capela standing at the front door and is blindsided by Butler. Rivers flies out of the ring in a record 0.7 seconds and runs crying into Doc’s arms, and father and son leave the arena glumly.

#14 — Enes Kanter

The buzzer sounds again and Turkish delight Enes Kanter comes bounding down the aisle. He heads straight for Richard Jefferson and sends him out with a “Retirement bod!!” taunt. But as the other combatants converge upon Kanter, he is unable to defend himself and falls to the mat in a flurry of punches, only his size keeping him in against the likes of Kyrie, DSJ, and Spida. Kanter lands a DDT on Jimmy Butler but is unable to finish him off.

#15 — Elfrid Payton #16 — Andre Drummond

Elfrid Payton comes out guns blazing, but he’s blindsided by a Spida suplex when his hair gets in his eyes. And wait — is that a real live WWE wrestler? Could that be 1993’s Giant Gonzales?! No… that’s just hairy Andre Drummond. Drummond and Payton join the fray.

#17 — Kelly Olynyk #18 — Kelly Oubre

A confused crowd wonders why Miami chose to send Olynyk instead of Whiteside, a dude named Bam, or an actual kickboxing champion. Their questions are soon answered as Kelly Oubre comes screaming down the aisle and opens fire on Olynyk. It’s a battle of Kelly’s, and everyone wins.

The crowd begins chanting “KELLY! KELLY!” when suddenly from outta nowhere, RKO! The rookie point guard tandem Spida and DSJ pull a double RKO and send both K.O.s out of the ring together.

#19 — DeMar DeRozan #20 — Devin Booker

The ring begins to fill to capacity as more fighters reach the squared circle. DeRozan begins bombing away and keeps looking to the referee for help to no avail. But then he switches up his game and begins to hit his stride, finally eliminating Dennis Smith and taking down Drummond.

The Suns’ Devin Booker is announced as entrant #20. Two-thirds of the way over! Booker arrives and fires away, eliminating Donovan Mitchell. Suddenly he turns to his left and faces DeMar DeRozan. The two pause and stare each other down, pointing, a real-life Spiderman meme of overconfident chuckers. The two are still staring when the buzzer sounds again.

#21 — Lonzo Ball ft. LaVar Ball, manager

It’s Lonzo Ball! The point guard heads down the aisle, LaVar sauntering in front of him yelling in a megaphone about how Lonzo is the last rookie point guard standing and thus clearly the best one. Lonzo gets to the ring but gives a wry look at the players fighting and politely steps aside. Eventually when Payton comes over to test his meddle, Lonzo takes a couple shots but misses wildly, looking like he’s never thrown a punch before.

He’s clearly outmatched, but the crowd is on his side anyway chanting “Lonzo! Lonzo! Lonzo!” as Elf body slams him to the mat. But as Booker picks Lonzo up to send him out of the match, LaVar rushes in with a steel chair! He nails Booker over the head, sideswipes DeRozan, and snaps it in half over Butler. LaVar tosses Booker and DeRozan over the ropes but is finally restrained by referees, escorted out of the ring never to be heard from again.

#22 — Gerald Green

The buzzer sounds and it’s the newest Rocket, Gerald Green! Green is always up for a fight and ready to make an impression. He hits Kyrie with the Cupcake Slam, then throws Elf into a piledriver. A roundhouse kick to the chops knocks down Kanter, and suddenly Green has Butler in a Sharpshooter. Lonzo watches on quietly.

#23 — Steven Adams

A hush falls upon the crowd as the silhouette of the Kiwi Phenom fills the shadows. Adams rushes to the ring and throws Green into the corner, unleashing a furious chain of blows. He hammers Payton and Kyrie, tosses Kanter out of the ring, then turns his attention to Butler, gathering his arms up into the Pedigree. Butler slumps to the mat, barely breathing as the buzzer sounds again.

#24 — Jusuf Nurkic

My god, there’s two of them! Two behemoths!!

The other combatants scatter like cockroaches, slipping under the bottom rope and out of the ring. Lonzo drags Butler to safety as Nurkic steps over the top rope and eyes Adams.

Nurkic and Adams stare each other down, venom in their eyes. It’s Bosnia versus New Zealand, and the two begin to exchange blows. Nurk’s left is met by Adams’, then a right and a right. Two minutes feels like two hours as Nurkic and Adams exchange choke slams and Tombstones.

#25 — Thon Maker #26 — Tyreke Evans

The crowd barely even notices as Maker and Evans join the others outside the ring, waiting for some resolution. At last, Adams heaves Nurkic over the top rope to eliminate him, then follows over the top and into the stands as the two continue pummeling each other, and both are eliminated. The other fighters finally return to the ring. The buzzer sounds again.

#27 — Gregg Popovich

Good God, is that Gregg Popovich’s music?!

It’s Pop’s birthday today. He’s 69, and that’s nice. But he ain’t bringing a cane to this match; he’s ready to rumble.

The mat swells with eight combatants now. Tyreke and Green go at it in one corner while Elf and Lonzo exchange missed punches in another. Pop goes after Thon, and a tired Kyrie kicks softly at Butler’s battered body. We reach Rumble equilibrium momentarily, but the crowd screeches as Pop takes control. He lands a left on Maker, then a right, and suddenly it’s a punch-a-Thon! The crowd erupts as Pop sends Maker over the ropes, eliminating him.

#28 — Vince Carter

Richard Jefferson’s oldest Rumbler recognition is short-lived as Half-Man-Half-Octogenarian Vince Carter enters the fray. VC and Pop’s eyes meet, and it’s a match made in heaven.

The two team up and quickly dispatch of Lonzo Ball and Elfrid Payton without much trouble, then turn their attention to a bloodied Jimmy Butler, who is now at 55 minutes and counting. Carter slams Butler to the mat, then throws him into the turnbuckle and holds him there while Pop smashes an urn over his head. Butler staggers to the center of the ring, and Pop applies the Killswitch! Butler falls limp onto the mat as Carter displaces Tyreke Evans and sends him out of the competition. Pop collapses into the corner, and the buzzer sounds a penultimate time.

#29 — LeBron James

THE KING IS HERE!!

LeBron is ready for battle, and he has not come alone. As he gets to the ring, he pulls up the skirt of the mat and, is that Dink? No, it’s Isaiah Thomas! He tosses Isaiah into the ring, then throws Kyle Korver, Dwyane Wade, JR Smith, and really everyone but Kevin Love in toom to do his dirty work for him. Wade goes right after Kyrie, and Korver engages Vince. IT comes at Jimmy Butler, and a crazed JR Smoove attacks Gerald Green.

Smith eliminates Green quickly, and Korver disposes of Carter. Kyrie, Wade, and IT team up to finally eliminate Jimmy Butler, whose body just has nothing left to give. But then JR Swish turns on IT and Wade and begins fighting them, too! LeBron enters the ring at last and sends his minions astray. IT, Wade, and JR exit, and LeBron turns to face an old friend.

LeBron and Kyrie stare each other down, friends turned foes.

The two exchange glances, then texts, then mouth muted words to each other with their hands over mouths.

They circle, waiting to engage, as the crowd rises to its feet. Kyrie takes a step toward LeBron. James smiles and takes a step toward the kid.

But before the buzzer sounds, a shadowy figure leaps out from underneath the mat, before his time is announced. He climbs into the ring and racks LeBron’s family jewels from behind, and James is staggered!

Bron’s head drops, and the figure rises to his feet. It’s Draymond Green! Before LeBron can react, Green drops LeBron with a Stone Cold Stunner, and James is out. He’s out!!

The final buzzer sounds, irrelevant now, as Kyrie and Draymond pick up what’s left of LeBron and toss him out of the ring. The two turn to each other, a dream Finals pairing.

These two fight dirty, and a headbutt is met with a kick below the belt as Kyrie and Draymond exchange blows. The duo grapple and Irving lands a haymaker to the solar plexus.

But suddenly Draymond shouts, “Look, Kyrie! The edge of the world!!” As Irving looks away, Draymond runs up from behind for one last elimination, but Kyrie dips his head, snaps up from deep, and Green is out! Kyrie has done it again!

Tears fill Kyrie’s eyes and green confetti begins to fall. Boston has found their new GOAT (Larry Bird never won a Royal Rumble) and Irving basks in glory at the center of the ring.

But suddenly a rustling from the crowd! Kyrie has not won yet! There’s still one competitor, but Irving doesn’t realize it! The Boston fans yell, but Kyrie thinks they’re celebrating and just takes it all in. He finally realizes his mistake and turns to see Gregg Popovich, but right as he turns…

SWEET CHIN MUSIC FROM POP!!!

Kyrie drops lifelessly to the canvas, and a stunned crowd goes silent. A broken Pop staggers over to Irving, grabs him by the shoulders, whispers “You’ll do it some day, young man… when you’re a Spur!” and tosses him over the ropes.

The Royal Rumble is over. Gregg Popovich has won, somehow.

Pop wins again. He always does.

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