The First Annual NBA Royal Rumble
Thirty men enter. One man leaves. Who will reign victorious?
It’s the dog days of the NBA calendar and tempers are flaring across the league. Carmelo Anthony wants out of New York, Rondo is burning down Chicago, the champs are falling apart, Enes Kanter is out here busting chairs, and we just listed off four crazy NBA goings-on without even mentioning the KANGZ.
With so much bad blood across the league, there could be only one solution: an NBA Royal Rumble. The rules are simple. One player from each team enters a wrestling ring one minute apart. Fighters are eliminated when they go over the top rope and both feet touch the ground. Last man standing wins. Anything else goes.
WE RIDE!!
Entrant #1 Boban Marjanovic
A hush falls over the Coliseum crowd as the first entrant appears. It is Boban sauntering toward the ring, looking like he snacked on Big Show pre-game. There’s a sneer on his face as he awaits his first victim.
#2 James Harden
The Beard storms into the ring in six seconds or less and runs full speed into the towering Marjanovic, bouncing off him and crumpling into the turnbuckle like he’d been sniped by an angry Bill Simmons. Harden struggles to his feet as Boban licks his chops.
#3 Zach Randolph
The lights dim and Z-Bo begins to slowly make his way to the ring. His headband low, swagger slow and steady, he still has not made it ringside when the next fighter comes running down the aisle.
#4 Evan Turner #5 Tyler Ulis
It’s the Villain! Turner starts throwing punches left and right but can’t land a single shot as Boban looks on confused. Harden slowly ambles over toward Z-Bo who has finally reached the ring.
The 5'10 Ulis comes bounding into the arena next and suddenly he’s biting Boban in the calves! A confused Boban staggers into the ropes as Z-Bo and Harden push him slowly over the top when suddenly Turner comes off the ropes and tries to push them all out! But he trips over the tiny Ulis and goes flying out of the ring, the ignominious first elimination.
#6 Jusuf Nurkic
The buzzer sounds and the Bosnian Bear comes sprinting to the ring like a bat out of hell, heading straight for Boban. He sizes up the Croatian and smacks him across the chest. Boban responds with a warrior yell and slaps Nurkic across the face, leaving a hand print the size of Kosovo.
The two exchange blows as Ulis and Z-Bo team up and take down Harden. Ulis holds him down as Z-Bo climbs to the bottom turnbuckle and flashes his three-inch vertical with a flying elbow drop.
#7 Harrison Barnes
HB enters the ring and immediately starts taking it from Ulis and Z-Bo as the two giants continue to wail on each other. Harden slips out of the ring under the ropes looking for a ref to call the foul he’s certain he’s experienced, and he barely even notices when Barnes is eliminated just seconds after entry.
#8 Giannis Antetokounmpo
Harden never even sees the Greek Freak coming. Antetokounmpo grabs the Beard and throws him back into the ring as he arrives.
Inside the ring, Z-Bo throws Ulis into the ropes and catapults the little man into the sparring giants. Boban staggers to one knee and falls into Nurkic, and the two begin tumbling… slowly… slowly… and with one final push from the Freak, both behemoths go over the ropes and are eliminated together.
#9 Evan Fournier
“La Marseillaise” begins playing as Orlando’s Evan Fournier proudly enters the fray and immediately gets attacked by all four opponents. “But guys I’m the leading scorer for a real NBA team!!” he yelps, but his words are in vain.
Up over the ropes he goes and he hits the ground with a thud as he hears Antetokounmpo yell out, “That’s what you get for making us Google you!!!”
#10 Paul Millsap #11 Karl-Anthony Towns #12 Joe Ingles
The next three fighters come in short order and the battles swing back and forth in the ring. KAT goes right at the presumed MVP while Greek Freak comes after Millsap. Z-Bo and Ulis continue their unlikely partnership and make quick work of the pasty Ingles, sending him over the ropes. Millsap is clearly exhausted after playing 97 minutes yesterday in his 8 OT game, and Freak wears him down quickly when the buzzer sounds again…
#13 BOOGIE!!!
Boogie is ready to rumble and comes out elbows high, arms swinging. The Z-Bo/Ulis tandem takes him on but he eliminates Ulis with a flick of his pinky before sending Z-Bo over the top rope as well.
Seconds later Cousins grabs hold of Millsap and sets him up for the RKO, and Millsap is out cold. Boogie sends him away with disdain, like a player that had just been traded to the Kings.
#14 Chris Paul
They can hear CP3 coming from a mile away, his smack talk echoing across the Coliseum as he joins the battle.
It’s Boogie and Freak on one side while Harden, CP3, and KAT take turns throwing swings in the other corner. Suddenly Harden reaches deep into his bears and pulls out a steel chair, hammering Towns in the back of the head! Together he and Paul push KAT the rest of the way out, and Towns is gone.
#15 Buddy Hield #16 Rodney McGruder #17 Pascal Siakam
A trio of rookies enter next and the fighting heats up again. It’s Buddy and Boogie throwing punches while CP3 has McGruder in a sleeper hold. Freak and Harden break their grapple to both welcome and dismiss Siakim in an instant.
It’s Freak vs McGruder and CP3 vs Buddy when Harden suddenly unleashes a swarm of killer bees from within his beard and sends the ring into disarray! Up over the top rope Boogie goes with a bound, eliminating himself as he goes screaming out the tunnel with the swarm of bees behind him.
Back ringside, the Heat rookie suddenly goes insane pulling hair and biting ankles, making quite the ruckus, and the entire crew teams up together to throw him out of the ring as he yells a futile “MCGRUDERRRR!”
#18 Bradley Beal #19 Kawhi Leonard
Beal and Kawhi enter as the fight reaches a fever pitch with six men in the ring. Suddenly the crowd begins to stir and the combatants clear out as a one-on-one battle is upon us. It’s CP3 vs Harden, mano a mano.
The players head to the corners as Paul and Beard dance in a circle. CP3 flings himself into the ropes, and Harden dances away. Suddenly the two come bounding toward each other at once but both pull up at the last second without ever touching one another and flop in reverse! The non-collision is so great that both star players go flying out of the ring in opposite directions and land in a heap outside the ring, eliminating each other.
#20 J.R. Smith
The buzzer sounds again as J.R. Smith comes bounding down the aisle in a flash. Shirtless J.R., Henny in hand, starts going absolutely bonkers.
He drops an elbow on Hield and a flying dropkick on Beal, then holds Kawhi in a headlock with his Henny arm whilst throwing mini punches at Greek Freak with the other. Then Smiff climbs the top turnbuckle and extends his arms like Superman, belly flopping as the players clear out midst his “HEAT CHECK!!” cry, and Smith writhes in pain in the center of the ring.
#21 Brad Stevens
Suddenly the players come to a halt and stand to attention as J.R. Smith begins to drunkenly sing “The Star Spangled Banner.” The players stand solemnly as President Brad strolls to the ring.
Stevens shakes a few players hands and gives a chest bump to Hield before stepping calmly back over the top rope and heading to the stands to sign autographs, simultaneously eliminating himself and becoming the least embarrassing presidential WWE performance of all time.
#22 Frank Kaminsky #23 D’Angelo Russell #24 Sasha Vujacic
For a brief moment, there are a eight players in the ring, but that’s when Kawhi goes to work. With a blank stare, Leonard robotically begins to take down his opponents. A Tombstone knocks out Kaminsky, and Hield goes down to some Sweet Chin Music. Vujacic takes a beating before collapsing after a DDT, and the bodies begin to pile up as Kawhi applies the Yes Lock to J.R. Smith.
Leonard begins methodically disposing of the corpses he’s created when he notices D’Angelo Russell over in the corner quietly filming the entire thing on his phone. Outraged, Kawhi grabs the phone carefully, turns it off and hands it carefully to the ringside manager, picks up DAR, and tosses him gently over the ropes into the pile with Kaminsky, Hield, Vujacic, and Smith.
#25 Kevin Durant
Durant enters the ring and immediately asks Kawhi if he’d like to team up and take everyone down, but Leonard is not interested and turns toward Greek Freak. A brief battle ensues but the Alphabet is no match yet for the bigger, stronger Kawhi. Leonard sends Antetokounmpo into the ropes, snatches him, and tosses him over the rope with aplomb.
But as he goes over the rope, Greek Freak stretches out his Gumby arms somehow managing to get one hand on each turnbuckle, and one foot drags the apron to stay on the edge of the mat, barely.
Freak climbs back into the ring and returns to the fray just as Kawhi is beginning to unload on Durant, catching Leonard from behind and eliminating him in a shocker.
#26 Rajon Rondo
KD and Greek Freak begin to size one another up when Allan Parsons Project lights up the arena and Rajon Rondo heads into the ring.
Rondo notices a shaken Brad Beal sitting quietly in the corner and he’s like “bro” and Beal is like “yo” and Rondo is like “what happened, man?” Beal then explains that he strained his bicep walking to the ring and has been sitting this one out, and he leaves without anoter word.
Rondo begins to celebrate when suddenly from underneath the apron, Jimmy Butler and Dwyane Wade emerge! The two jump into the ring together and Butler Spears Rondo from behind while Wade flies in from the ropes with the People’s Elbow. Rondo is stunned and reaches for his mobile to make an Instagram post but Wade and Butler throw him over the top before he can post and run off into the stands laughing together.
#27 Jeff Teague #28 Luis Scola
Durant approaches Teague and Scola as they enter and asks if they’d like to team up against Greek Freak because they’d never blow a 3-on-1 lead, but the pair are not interested. KD takes out his frustration on Teague and sends him out as Antetokounmpo approaches Scola across the mat. “Hey Luis, I really enjoyed watching you 16 years ago as a kid so what are you doing these days anyway? … Wait you’re in the NBA still? For what team? … Wait who??”
As the two politely catch up, Durant sneaks up from behind with a double clothesline and both are eliminated, and suddenly KD stands alone with only two entrants remaining.
#29 Steven Adams
The buzzer sounds and the Kiwi Phenom emerges as the crowd erupts. Adams is steaming as he heads toward the ring, spitting between curse words as he approaches Durant with fire in his eyes.
Suddenly a murderous cry rings out, and out from the stands comes a streaking Russell Westbrook!! Russ clobbers Adams from behind and knocks him out cold, then turns with murder in his eyes to face the lone man standing in the ring.
A terrified Durant watches as Russ approaches, frantically looking for help from anywhere he can find it, but he is all alone. In a flash, Westbrook is on top of KD throwing haymakers. A left to the chin! A right to the solar plexus! A flurry of jabs to the kidneys, and Durant is staggered.
Desperate, he cries out for help as Westbrook continues his beatdown. Russ grabs KD and sends him into the ropes, and the crowd gasps as Westbrook delivers the Stone Cold Stunner. Russ picks up Durant and sends him over the top rope, then immediately follows after him throwing punch after punch on the way down. He continues to tear into him as the final buzzer sounds.
#30 Joel Embiid
A smiling Embiid saunters down the aisle and enters the empty ring. The bell sounds three times, and a referee emerges and raises Embiid’s arm, declaring him victorious.
Embiid grins and points to the crowd, and the camera pans to a blushing Rihanna. With a wink, JoJo wins RiRi over, and she and Embiid leave the Coliseum victorious in the first ever NBA Royal Rumble.
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