Relaxation Guilt: The Dark Side of Grandeur Ambitions

The feeling of guilt when you rest

One of the biggest questions as a remote worker or a freelancer is:

At what time are we getting off work?

Don’t get me wrong, the life of being able to work from anywhere and at any time I want is phenomenal. It has given me a lot of freedom to skip unproductive things like getting stuck in traffic and allowed me to double down during my peak performing hours.

However, there is also a much less pretty side to it.

I wake up every Monday and Tuesday with a heck load of motivation, thinking that I’ll conquer the world.

By Wednesday, I’ll have done so many things that I feel kind of burnt out but don’t allow myself to rest because it’s a workday. Making a promise that I’ll take the weekend off.

“Get it together Thursday.”

Thank the Lords Friday came! Can’t wait to take the entire Saturday off and just recharge.

Nope.

Saturday mornings are usually started with some light writing, which I really enjoy but it always slips into a full day’s worth of work.

Before I know it, it’s Sunday. Promised myself not to do any work for the day so I’d open up Minecraft, attempts to play it, but it always echoes inside:

“You could be drafting a blog.” “You could be writing a pitch.” “You could be learning a new skill.” “You could be using this time to get ahead of your competition.”

When will I finally have done enough to justify some downtime?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Because at the moment, it seems like resting causes more stress and anxiety.

The Guilt Complex

Many of our habits and the lenses we put on as adults started from our childhood. Hence, it’s no surprise that many of us, either consciously or subconsciously, have learned how to be guilty at a young age. On top of learning it, there have never been any lessons at school that teach us how to deal with it. This emotion gradually seeps its way into our lives and becomes one of the driving forces in our thinking.

I have since found out that there is more to what I call “The Relaxation Guilt”.

In psychology, it’s referred to as a guilt complex.

Formally, it’s the persistent belief that you have done something wrong or that you will do something wrong. Not just guilt and worry, but also shame and anxiety.

This can be in the form of real mistakes or mistakes in our minds that we haven’t yet made. Here are the signs of it.

• Anxiety
• Insomnia
• Can’t seem to let go of past mistakes
• Regret
• Worry

But understanding what really lies beneath that cranium of ours doesn’t stop there, we have to also know the triggers of it.

You f**ked up

Obviously, when we do something wrong, we feel bad. We feel bad because subconsciously; we know that the person that we’ve wronged deserved better and we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that our intentions can justify our actions.

These are things like breaking a promise, lying, cheating, stealing, or even smaller things, like not being able to show up. Not just to others but ourselves as well, such as if we promised to quit smoking but did not pull through.

We know we could have done better. That’s guilt.

But not to worry, because it’s much worse on the other side of this spectrum.

The best way to overcome these things is to accept that we’re not perfect, that we’re humans who will f**k up, and being okay with that. Apologise, and put one foot in front of the other is really all that we can ever do.

Avoid letting it become what is known as chronic guilt.

Compassion guilt

Her: “I want to leave, but I feel bad, you know. I don’t even know what to do. ”

For a good couple of months, this friend of mine has been trying to leave this company but couldn’t really pull the trigger because she feels guilty for doing so.

From my perspective, the boss is shitty, and I would have quit the first week.

From her perspective, she feels guilty because in some ways; she felt like it’s sending the message of giving up on the company and that she could have done more to help. She just didn’t want to abandon the sinking ship.

This is compassion guilt. And if given enough time, this person will experience compassion fatigue where she’ll get so burnt out that she won’t even have the energy to take care of the ones closest to her.

We need to remember that the choice is always ours. Whether we can help others or we want to make the sacrifice. Above this, is to know that we have an obligation to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. It really doesn’t benefit anybody, not ourselves or the person that we’re trying to help if we’re completely drained or burnt out.

To the person whom I’m referring to:

Just quit the company, it’s not your fault.

The success/survivor guilt

This one is quite similar to impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome: Believing that you’re not as competent as others believe you are.

Survivor guilt: Feel bad because you’re doing well when others are not.

Coming from a rather comfortable family who can afford to send me abroad for studies, I do feel survivor guilt quite often. Especially when I am comparing myself to some of my less fortunate friends. Not the healthiest, I know.

For the opportunity, I am eternally grateful for it. But at the same time, feel bad for my friends that do not have the option.

I have been convincing myself that these people are still happy for me, regardless of their situation. Telling myself that purposely handicapping or rejecting myself is not helping anyone, either. Because the brutal truth is that I have worked my ass off to get to this point, it wouldn’t have happened if I did not put in the hours.

Takeaway

My conclusion is that guilt is complex as heck!

But the good thing is that often, knowing what it is that really hinders me from living my life or just being in the present is enough to get me started on the better route.

I need to grant myself the permission to relax and know that it is for the better. Nothing will go wrong. In fact, allowing myself some breathing room for things to play out can even lead me to more opened doors.

There is no doubt it will take time trying to conquer a mental issue, but if we don’t help ourselves, we don’t stand a chance of a better outcome.

Now that I’ve got to work from anywhere I want and have escaped the rat race, all I need to do is not create my own rat race.

I hope the same for you as well! ☺

Hey, since you’re here, why not join my mailing list for occasional cool stories in your inbox or consider becoming a member to read all my stories! ☺