The Reasons I Don’t Like Your Cock
Sorry dude — but it isn’t Impressive at all
Have you seen a nice, tight, silky smooth pair of panties forming itself around the aerodynamic curves that are a woman’s body?
Now slap your cock in an equally tight pair of whities and it’s just an unbalanced lump of flesh that’s never the same.
Put these two bodies side by side in a wind tunnel and watch what happens. The smoke slithers all sexy like along the curves of the smooth hourglass perfection that is woman. Let us name her Eve.
The smoke travels up the legs that is man expecting some gradual twists and turns. Only to slam into one large ball, one small ball and a sausage that’s curving every way but right. Our asymmetrical friend shall be Adam.
“Holy Fuck!” Screams the smoke as it tears off into clouds of confusion. A rolling bundle of smoke creates a third ball up against his taint. Wondering, does Adam ever even wash that spot?
More smoke is forced to take an unexpected off ramp into the unknown. The last cloud tries to make the rest of its trip smooth, only to be shredded by razor stubble that Adam thinks is sexy. Sorry, it’s not once it touches my smooth and sensitive inner thighs.
Now let’s rip off Eve’s panties that are flavored in her essence. How many times have you seen these rolled up as a gag? The idea, the thoughts, the visuals of this make many extremely hot as fuck.
OK, let’s rip off Adam’s whities, roll them up and you can open your mouth to accept them. What? Not interested? You mean between his pre-cum, urine stains, smegma, taint sweat and skid-marks, this does not turn you on?
All naked now? Well then let us continue. Most of the female dainty bits are hidden, tucked away. Only coming out when it’s time to play.
Then there’s your cock. Let’s just get this elephant in the room out of the way. Leopards — Sexy! Lionesses — Sexy! Panthers — Sexy! Sheep — to some guys, just dripping with come fuck me vibes.
Elephants? Who sees an elephant and goes, “Fuck I’m horny!” Ok, other than other elephants. No humans, I hope. When not in use, your trunk and two carry-ons just get in the way.
Swinging back and forth as you walk, like a forever-sad snuffleupagus, without the cute eyes. Hell, it can’t even feed me peanuts, unless one gets stuck to it because of still sticky cum and a too close trip to the snack bowls. Trust me, if that happens, I’d rather eat that fuzzy M&M from under the couch.
There’s also that naming your cock thing that’s way out of hand. Have you ever met a Poindexter that didn’t look like a Poindexter? Met a Chad that wasn’t a Chad? Or even an Andre the Giant who wasn’t a Giant? Maybe you have, but odds are against it.
Can’t tell you how many times guys tell the girls at dinner, “Just wait until you meet Thor, God of Pleasure.” Only to have Antman show up later. Sure, he may be strong, but he falls six letters short of reaching my G-spot.
Beyond naming your littlebrain, you also have the dumbest of conversations with him. “Should we fuck her? How about her? Let’s fuck that one? Do you think she’s old enough? Her mom wants to fuck me, I can tell. She said, ‘Hi’ with that look. Are you sure you can’t get me in your mouth? You don’t seem to be trying too hard.” Bla bla bla!
Females talk to their junk also, but we discuss current events, popular trends and better formulas for interstellar space travel. In addition, we have much more realistic names. My G-ma named hers Gulch.
“I have to disagree with you Velveteen Valley. Arguably, the Standard Model Lagrangian, covering the dynamics of unique microparticle travel and all of their interactions would work best. Notably, it can still use some minor tweaks regarding kinetic energy and momentum gravity, which would be extra cool and go perfectly with your new pink top.”
In a bar fight, I one time got pussy punched really fucking hard. I quickly shook it off and countered with a double titty-twist and a cunt crunch without losing my breath.
With the right angle and speed of a nut flick, even the strongest man will drop to his knees. Who designs a tank with an easy to access disable button right in the middle front like that? Besides the Geonosians, we all know those fuckers were idiots. Hopefully, the Confederacy got their galactic credits back.
Now that the perfect strong male has been created, let’s create a cup to protect our design fuckup. They don’t tell you the whole story about Adam. Five minutes after he was walking, he smacked his balls on a stump and went down so hard, he broke a rib clean off.
The original designers of the male body utterly refused to admit their complete failure, but immediately learned, improved and upgraded to indoor plumbing with the design of the female form.
Women in sports do have the option of a pelvic protector, or a “jill” vs. a “jock”. The key word there is “option”. We don’t need it. How many times after a major girl on girl collision on the field, do you hear an announcer say, “Boy, I hope she didn’t forget her pelvic protector.”?
I’m sure by now you’re thinking about all that menstruation stuff and how that’s such a huge female weakness. A little secret — none of that is real. Those conspiracy theories you’ve heard are true!
Eve actually came up with that one. After three weeks of Adam not leaving her alone. It seems that “Enough already! Get the fuck off of me!” just wasn’t cutting it. While spattering the blood of an unlucky rodent on her crotch worked like a charm.
Hell, that one week a month, he couldn’t even look in her direction. It was a great opportunity for her to sit back and eat endless chocolates, that Adam would forage to keep her happy while she caught up on her soaps.
That Eve was one hell of a trailblazer.
We’ve discussed poor placement and a complete lack of durability. Let us not ignore your cock’s unreliability and zero endurance. Ok, to be fair, some guys can last longer than your average bull rider. But they are few and far between.
A very important note: Lasting longer is maybe thirty minutes? Maybe? Even that seems way too high. Women can easily go with pleasing and or pleasuring each other for hours on end. They don’t just squirt, peter out, dwindle, diminish to nothingness and fall asleep in minutes.
We’re not even considering the marathon lovemaking sessions possible at that all female beach resort on Themyscira. Yeah, I know, DC in addition to Marvel, on top of Star Wars. Almost forgot to mention Scott Bakula’s Enterprise. Pretty fucking hot, right?
Off track, sorry, where were we? That’s right, Unreliability. Ignoring that one week a month all women just pretend to have periods, our vaginas are fully operation-able 24/7. There’s no, “Oh God! Miss-launch! It’s out of control! Look out! This never happened to me before. Wait, give the pill some time.”
It’s like talking all month about going to Disney. Then when we get there, you go, “Sorry honey, but my pass isn’t working. This has never happened to me before.”
We’re all ready for the rides and you’re standing there with your hands out like that penniless Monopoly man. Well if I planned for a month to have some fun with Daria, I promise you she wouldn’t be penniless.
Speed round:
Your roller coaster shaped urethra leads to delayed drippage.
All proud you can stand and aim, yet you can’t seem to actually aim.
The Battle of the Bulge wasn’t just a German military offensive.
Women look fucking fantastic in spandex or leggings.
Guys always look like 1966 Dick Grayson in his costume.
You need to play orgasm show and tell. We don’t care!
Veins! Yuck! Would you fuck a pussy covered in veins?
Vaginas are Bringers of Life!
Cocks are wreckers of curtains.
“Now put your play toy away and fetch me my Panda Express! I’ve got stories to write for Redemption Magazine.”
© 2023 Zatanna Dark All rights reserved.
Looking for a BDSM Erotica Story you’ve been unable to find? Feel free to contact me anytime here on Medium. I’ll do what I can to add one to my Collection. Thanks! Zatanna Dark
