POLITICAL SATIRE
The QAnon 7-Point Plan To Reinstate Trump as President, Brought to You by CPAC
Where one goes crazy, we all go crazy
Fellow QAnon believers,
The Conservative Political Action Conference welcomes you to CPAC 2021: Conspiracy UnCanceled. Thank you for buying the Q Clearance Package at the clearance-rate price. I am your VIQ coordinator for this event––you can just call me Vic since I know you’re all a few pepperonis short of a Pizzagate.
I want to assure you that The Storm is still coming. The Democrat cabal of Satanic cannibalistic pedophiles running a global child sex trafficking ring WILL be arrested when Donald Trump is reinstated next month.
You can all sleep soundly on your MyPillows tonight knowing that everything that has happened––including Biden’s fraudulent election––is all part of Q’s 7-Point Plan to Reinstate the Chosen One In Days, Not Years.
If you look under your seats, you’ll find the complimentary gift bag you paid for. Down at the bottom, next to the Klan hood and the Dear Leader golden statue bobblehead, you’ll find a laminated card detailing The Plan. I will read it aloud since most of you are borderline illiterate.
Point 1: Reveal the Achilles heel of the DemoRAT Party, which is getting more votes than other candidates. Spread the Big Truth of election fraud and pass voter suppression (“election integrity”) laws so only true patriots wearing MAGA hats are allowed to vote. Check, it already happened.
Point 2: Witness a trusted Trumpublican elected as Speaker of the House who will FINALLY reveal the results of an investigation of election racketeering. Hm. It doesn’t say how we’re going to have an election in days, does it? That’s odd. It must not have fit on the card.
Point 3: Correct the official record. Reveal Orange Jesus legitimately won the 2020 election, Matt Gaetz is innocent of child sex trafficking charges, Marjorie Taylor Greene is really a jeenius (misspell genius to OWN the libs!), and Lauren Boebert’s pork sliders did not poison people.
Point 4: Newly elected Speaker of the House, The Right Honorable Kid Rock, drafts Articles of Impeachment for Biden and Harris with charges of “totally sucking ass!”
Point 5: Citizen Donald J. Trump is placed into the line of presidential succession behind Vice President John F. Kennedy Jr., by electing him Speaker of the House. Wait, why don’t we just make him POTUS? Never mind, don’t question The Plan.
Point 6: Speaker of the House Trump calls for a UFC Octagon cage match with the loser being impeached for either the first or third time. As fittest president ever––sorry I’m laughing––Trump shatters Glass Joe’s leg. Biden begs for mercy and admits he was an agent for China the whole time.
Point 7: Duly impeached and disfigured Biden is imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay with Kamala, whereby (I think they meant thereby) rendering all acts of said imposters while in office null and void. Duly elected Trump resumes his rightful place as U.S. president. Keep using the word “duly” to sound smart and official. I think that was just the author’s side note.
Trust The Plan
So there it is, fellow patriots. The Great Awakening is coming, and Donald Trump WILL be president again next month. Now, if you’ll follow me, we’ve created a wonderful VIQ space for you that’s completely separated from the main conference room. We call it “the padded room," and only the most fervent QAnon adherents are allowed in. So if you haven’t done so already, please take the red pill included in your CPAC gift bag. Don’t worry — it’s not a cure for COVID-19. That’s just a Thorazine. #WWG1WGA
For more political satire by Ryan Zaharako, check out: