The Psychology Behind Ghosting
Examining The Mind of a Ghoster
Ghosting occurs when a person disappears out of nowhere, with no warning.
You could be in a romantic attachment with a swell guy. This guy has got it all — the looks, the intelligence, and the chemistry. You get together a few times. You splurge and devote time to this person.
You have a few intimate moments. Sparks fly, and there’s no one in the world to stop you. One thing leads to another…and you’re now texting each other every single day.
You share intimate moments. You’re bursting at the brim for the chance to get to know him better. He’s equally excited, too.
But then one day, you will text him. One day, this person may stop responding. Any requests to see this person go unnoticed, even after many pleas from you. Even attempts from his own immediate friends or family are met with nothingness.
It was as if he never existed. Immediate family check out his residence — he’s not there. His classmates can’t find him in their class. His social media profiles seemingly don’t exist anymore. Any references to the guy are met with confusion.
Dear friend, this man has ghosted you, and the entire community. With such masterful skill, he’s done the evilest thing ever.
While pop culture has tied ghosting to romantic relationships, it could happen to anyone across any sort of relationship. For example, ghosting could happen with a close friend or even a prospective employee.
More and more human resources professionals are finding themselves in situations where an employee shows up for the first day, just to seemingly never show up, ever again.
Calls to the prospective employee yield nothing and the frustrated worker ends up hiring someone else instead, paranoid of a repeat incident, costing the company lots of money.
Ghosting is not a new phenomenon, despite it being quite a frustrating experience. In one study in 2018, it turned out that over a quarter of all participants had been ghosted by someone at least once or more, while one-fifth had actually ghosted someone themselves.
As the current digital communication culture evolves, so will the likelihood of ghosting. It seems easier for others to ghost when all communication is online, but when the ghosting involves real-life parameters, you’re left to wonder: is this person still around? Did they go missing? What happened to them?
Why Ghosting Hurts
When you’re in the deep throes of social rejection, it can be just as painful as physical pain, meaning that there are deep ties between our emotions and our physiology. Treating the emotional injury as a physical one may help you conceptualize the pain that you are feeling.
As humans, we like to stay connected to each other and belong to something much greater than ourselves, such as a family, a union, or even a collective fandom. We also have our social monitoring systems to help us respond to conversations across various contexts, depending on the environment and the people surrounding it.
As social learners, we get no sense of closure when there’s ghosting, kind of like an infinite version of the silent treatment. Instead, we end up questioning ourselves and our sense of overall judgement. When this happens, we undermine our self-worth and our self-esteem.
Examining the Ghoster’s Motives
It seems that sometimes, people may ghost because they are uncomfortable about something. Perhaps this person grew up in an environment where they didn’t properly learn the right skills in their formative years.
Perhaps this person has the right skills but has had a myriad of terrible relationships in the past, causing them to flee before the other person can do it first.
In response, they simply flee, instead of confronting problems. However, as adults, avoiding all of our problems by fleeing every single time is a bit much. If you find yourself always doing this, consider the following:
- Why am I fleeing?
- How will this person feel if I flee?
- Can I communicate my fears to this person?
- What other supports can I get to not ghost others?
On the other hand, there may be people who don’t feel accountable, either. For example, it’s easier to ghost someone under the cloak of anonymity while gaming with random strangers than ghosting during a long-term romantic entanglement.
Perhaps this person has become desensitized to the situation, where once they do it, they can continue doing it. Either way, it’s not cool and not considerate of others’ feelings.
Moving Forward to be the Ghostbuster
When something hurts us, we have to remember that it’s not a reflection of us, but instead, a reflection of the person who didn’t know how to react to a normal situation, like dating. Since they didn’t know how to deal with their feelings, it’s better to have learned about it during the first date than after marriage.
Instead, it’s best to keep your focus on the present and taking some very small steps forward. Treating your emotional pain as physical pain might make it easier to help you with figuring out ways to heal and distract yourself until you feel ready to move on.
Either way, surrounding yourself with close allies, including support groups, online supports, and many more can keep you grounded, especially when you get to compare your regular social interactions with the terrible one that just happened.
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