The “Problematic” Wording of Many Self-help Articles

Let’s use language more honestly and with humility

When I have a new client/coachee in life-coaching, I offer the first session free of charge. During that consultation session, after I have explained some things about confidentiality, etc., I ask “what about this moment of your life has brought you here? Why now” and other questions. Yet, the main goal of the meeting — for me—is to convey what life-coaching is and what it is NOT — i.e., how I work, what is my method, what I expect from the client, and what the client should expect from me.

It often goes something like this:

-“What do you think life-coaching is?” -(blah blah blah) (The answer is ALWAYS a distorted and confused definition)

So, I move on making SURE that I have declared these:

-The solutions come from within YOU, the client* -I am not here to impress you with flashy quotes, but to work with you -You will have to WORK -You may find yourself in an unpleasant position because you want a change, and change lies OUTSIDE of your comfort zone -I don’t offer pre-formed “recipes”(you can read things like that on the internet instead of paying me!), because you are unique, and we are here to find the ways that fit YOU, not me -No judgment here. You can show me (what you think as) your darkest side -No caressing here. We will face what you really manifest as behavior and deal with it — my method is aptly described as carefontation -If I were to tell you that I am going to change you, this would mean that I haven’t understood nor explained the most important aspect of self-awareness, self-evolution, self-actualization; the fact that NO ONE but YOU can transform you -I am here to help you be more aware, to inspire self-observation, to point out things you do unconsciously and help you bring them into the field of your awareness, to assist you in adopting the “habit” of facing the conclusions of your self-observation with courage and make them useful. I will co-act with you for us to co-create techniques that fit you and little mind games that you’ll apply (and then come back with feedback) to manage situations/thoughts that used to paralyze you. -I’m here to assist you in realizing, using, and expanding your skills to bring results through your action and “flow” more freely -I’m not here to make you become the person I think as “ideal”, but to support you and co-operate with you, so that YOU will understand what are you doing unconsciously, why, what do YOU want to change, and do it. -I am here to help YOU become your life-coach so that you won’t need me.

When clients come after a cycle of sessions and say — often while crying — “Thank you. I did this and that, I never thought I could handle this and I do now, I feel stronger, my life has changed, etc. You made this”, I respond “I didn’t make this. You did. I didn’t change you. You did that. I know what you mean, I appreciate it, I keep the warmth of what you express, and in parallel, I know for sure that if you hadn’t put in the necessary effort, if you hadn’t done the hard work, the change wouldn’t have happened”.

I think you can understand now why — in my opinion — the wording of many of the self-help articles is usually …false. The wording of course is based on a false belief; the belief that a writer (a speaker, a supervisor of a sales team, etc.) can change others.

When you write as a title “the 3 things I did that will change your life” or “the secret that will make you stop procrastinating” or “how to find happiness” etc., it is obvious that either you haven’t understood anything about self-evolution and you have no self-awareness, or you want to use a quick-fix title — A HACK — to attract readers/audience, regardless of the consequences. You can transform the title into “3 things that may help you…”, or “Things you can try for dealing with procrastination”, and then include in your article something that declares the work needed.

You may say “So, what? Are the words the point here?”. The words reflect a mentality. The words go straight into your subconscious. Words matter. Words affect.

People are always attracted by “pre-constructed”, easy solutions because most of them — unconsciously — want to avoid the effort, the toil, the work, anything inconvenient. The evolution and the widening — though — needs work. There is no other way.

What works for me, may not be suitable for you. I — not as a coach, but every “I”, everyone — can contribute to the self-actualization journey of others, but not like this. Only by doing my own work for my own journey of expanding. And when we expose our thoughts, when we write to manage the esoteric procedures of our struggles, when we put out there our suggestions, we have to do it with responsibility and self-respect.

My friend Marcus wrote about this in these pages just a bit more bluntly than I do here.

Our action, interaction, exchanging of viewpoints and recommendations, need to stem from the foundational understanding and knowing that whoever reads us, or listens to us, is the only person who can be their own agent of change.

The interaction, of course, contributes to our journey, too. Good teachers learn from good students. Good teachers inspire students to be “teachers” — of themselves — .

So, in my opinion, whenever you hear somebody tell you “I am going to change you”, Or “I will bring you self-awareness,” turn around and run as far and as fast as you can.

*Note: “The solutions come from within you, the client”. This is a fundamental principle of life-coaching, and it lies within the mentality of serious life-coaches, psychologists, counselors around the world, who don’t see themselves as saviors, preachers, commanders, but only as co-walking supporters. One of the psychologists who pointed out the importance of this is Dr. Harris Stratyner. Of course, Socrates has seen this long ago…

Anthi Psomiadou — CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 International : Credit must be given to the creator/ Only noncommercial uses of the work are permitted/ No derivatives