avatarJohn Teehan

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Abstract

p id="db15">For example, my husband put a stop to my way of trying to get our son to eat his meals and stop being fussy because it just wasn’t working. After a certain period of time of him implementing his own way of doing things, which was firmer and stricter than I would’ve liked, I started to see some changes in my son and how he would sit down to eat the entire plate of food in front of him.</p><p id="21fa">Now, Andriel looks forward to sitting down next to his parents and mostly eats his entire plate, including the veg. My husband was right, and I was wrong — at least for a period of time (because no one knows the future and kids are unpredictable!)</p><p id="60fc"><b>But my husband didn’t say “I told you so”.</b> He didn’t discredit me as a mother, even if I did question my own decision making. He understood that being wrong is not a bad thing, and also, that <b>I wasn’t “wrong” to begin with</b>. Some things work, and some things don’t work for our children. And some things work for a while and then need to be changed. And that’s OK.</p><p id="4e9d">Parenting, while continuous, is flexible.</p><p id="ec93"><a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-successfully-wing-it-d39222a3d808">And we are all winging it.</a></p><h1 id="101b">Lowering Expectations Is Empowering</h1><p id="cde5">I have this constant need as the main caregiver to simply know what to do and get it right — especially after all the research I do on many aspects of parenting. But the thing is, it is only because of my own expectations that we get upset when things don’t work out. We paint a picture of how things will go, and when they don’t go our way, we self-criticise.</p><p id="3b33">Recently, I have been struggling to make the decision of whether to send our son to daycare. Because of the recent lockdowns, I feared that he wasn’t getting enough social stimulation and he needed to spend more time with other children. We decided to send him to a local nursery two mornings a week.</p><p id="fec8">But that wasn’t my only reason for wanting to send him there. I also needed more time to really step up my game as a writer, begin marketing myself and really work on my book.</p><p id="fa4a">But I’m tired of questioning myself, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-what-you-want-1973fd008ecb">since taking the road to self-care</a> in order to be a better mother and person, I decided that my reasons were as good as any to send Andriel to daycare at the age of 27 months.</p><p id="d466">It has only been a few weeks, and so far, he does not look forward to going there. I feel in fact he has become shier and clingier than usual. This makes me question once again whether what I am doing is right, and whether the caregivers at the centre are doing right by my son.</p><p id="93a8"><b>I’m ready to assign blame and judge because this is what we do as people growing up in today’s society.</b></p><div id="5778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-to-enjoy-motherhood-guilt-free-966e7fa38d58"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*o44YftcYVXjSo_va)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="d0f8">But I have to remember that it will solve nothing. I need to readjust my expectations and remind myself that everything takes time and that obstacles are all part of the journey, including my son’s settling in time at daycare.</p><p id="1231">He will get there because he is a strong and sociable little boy. He will be fine because he will still have an abundance of love at home waiting for him when he gets back and throughout the rest of the week. But I cannot decide how and when he will be running happily into nursery in the mornings — that’s a picture I need to let go of, but treasure if it happens.</p><p id="b15a">Sometimes, it

Options

is our expectations that need change, not our circumstances. We have to be OK with hiccups in parenting. Rather, we need not see them as hiccups, but as part of the process of bringing up children. After all, we are only human.</p><h1 id="7806">Takeaway</h1><figure id="facf"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*0ZLtDIAU40LQtOeo"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@drezart?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Andrae Ricketts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="f3a0">I believe in a mother’s instinct, but I don’t believe in the expectation that it will be there when we need it. If that expectation isn’t met then we will be more than ready to assign blame, and it won’t help us grow as parents or as individuals. In fact, I think that the constant need to meet these expectations is what causes us to feel like a failure at some point in our lives.</p><p id="b5d4">Instead, I recommend a more supportive plan, where advice can be handed out without coming across as all-knowing and dismissive of the parent. We can learn not to feel offended at others’ suggestions in the same way that others can learn not to be judgemental. I advise that others do get involved in taking care of kids, in a non-judgemental “I-told-you-so” way when the main interest is that of the child — not of themselves.</p><p id="1680">Most importantly, we have to learn that <b>mistakes are normal</b>, and most of the time, they’re not life-threatening. We are all human after all, and that makes us susceptible to countless errors over the course of time. In modern parenting, most parents are learning not to scold their kids when they make mistakes because it’s detrimental to their confidence building. <i>We should take that same approach with ourselves and other adults.</i></p><p id="93d5">So, let’s cut ourselves a little slack, and lower that pressure to get it right. Nobody is born a parent with experience.</p><div id="2a67" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/redefining-the-concept-of-happiness-16e5524c2b2d"> <div> <div> <h2>Redefining the Concept of Happiness</h2> <div><h3>How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6xDaJcMnjn9r6Bow)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="88c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-battle-with-anger-as-a-parent-24e7837c5fac"> <div> <div> <h2>My Battle With Anger As a Parent</h2> <div><h3>Ensuring our son feels loved regardless of our feelings.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Me4slkvdZGGCbsbjqQ_7bg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c95b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-is-a-damn-good-father-de20d1ef2217"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Is A Damn Good Father</h2> <div><h3>And he deserves praise.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Oqw-YSI_IVOLn-k0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7dcc"><b><i>Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. <a href="https://medium.com/@sylviaemokpae">See more work like this</a>.</i></b></p><p id="f728"><a href="https://twitter.com/SylviaEmokpae"><b>Follow her</b></a><b> on Twitter.</b></p></article></body>

Photo by Jonathan Velasquez on Unsplash

The Problem Of a Radio Anchor Saying “Colored” On-Air

He was fired for it, but that’s not the problem.

You may have seen this show up in your Facebook newsfeed. You may have seen it published in a group discussing and promoting social justice and Black Lives Matter. You may have seen it, for different reasons, posted by your racist cousin — outraged that someone was fired for “nothing.”

In the scope of everything happening in the United States and across the world, it may seem like a small story. Still, it’s indicative of a more significant problem.

Let’s unpack this.

What happened

Kyle Cornell, a 26-year-old anchor for a Cleveland radio station recently referred to vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris as “colored” and was promptly fired for it.

Cornell was quoted on-air as announcing, “The U.S. officially has its first colored vice presidential candidate. More coming up after the game on Newsradio WTAM 1100 Cleveland.”

People were upset. The station wasted no time firing him. Cornell has since apologized, stating he meant no malice in using the term, and he accepts his punishment without question.

Assuming we give Cornell the benefit of the doubt that he is accepting being fired as punishment and learned something from this, it is still alarming that it even happened to begin with.

When I first heard the story, my first thoughts were, “How is that phrase even still a thing in 2020? And why the hell is a 26-year-old using such an old slur?”

Those were my initial reactions.

After a few moments to think about it, the likely answers become even more alarming.

Among some, “colored” is becoming normalized again. Some might even say that it never went away.

What’s the big deal?

It’s a term that dates back to before the Jim Crow era and the so-called “separate but equal” time when segregation was a thing. It’s a phrase long-associated with the disenfranchisement of blacks in America.

America has a long and fraught history with racial justice. It’s an everyday struggle overcoming this. We don’t need backsliding or anything else that makes advancing an equal and just society more difficult.

Using “colored” to describe someone emphasizes Otherness over Humanity. When you dehumanize someone, you make it easier for someone like a police officer in Kenosha, Wisconsin, to shoot an unarmed black man in the back seven times at point-blank range right in front of his children. This happened less than 24 hours of this writing.

Denying the humanity of people of color should not be a thing. It should never have been a thing.

Photo by Jake Schumacher on Unsplash

Normalization is a huge problem

When some kid thinks it’s okay to use a term with a long-established history of racial hatred — whether out of ignorance or malice — that’s a big problem. It means that the phrase has become normalized to him. And likely normalized for others around him. He may not have been aware of the term’s implications, but he learned to use it from somewhere.

Using that phrase in such a public way, he normalizes it for others outside his immediate circle, and the effects ripple outward.

If we’ve learned anything from the rise of Trumpism, it’s that racism in America never went away. People of color, of course, were already well aware of this. Those of us in our sleepy little bubbles of privilege, however, awoke to a world we didn’t think existed any longer. It was ugly to behold.

Some tried to deny it or explain it away as “economic anxiety” or some other lame excuse.

That only made it worse.

With the ubiquitous presence of smartphones, we see open racism in many forms — subtle, overt, systemic, and violent — marching proudly. Most don’t even have the barely-sparing grace to be ashamed of it.

That’s what happens when you have a President that gives racism air to breathe. And it’s what happens when you normalize seemingly harmless, small aggressions. And it’s just not the President to blame. It’s many of us.

Casual racism never stays casual

It means something that a 26-year-old man felt comfortable to use “colored” on the air. It doesn’t matter if there was known malice behind it. The very fact he thought it was okay to use the term at all is the problem.

He was forced to face the consequences of those actions. If we give Cornell the benefit of the doubt, he’s accepting those actions and, hopefully, learning from them.

The broadcast station was right to act swiftly and decisively.

Too many times, you, instead, see groups go on the defensive and try to shift the problem onto those offended.

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

The takeaway

If we were to walk away with anything from this story, it’s that racism in any form should not be given a molecule of air or sunlight to thrive.

What gives offense may seem small at first — even inconsequential.

But is it really?

As a nation and a world, we have a long, long way to go to properly address racial and social injustice. There are going to be some distressing bumps along the way. People are going to get hurt.

But, in the long run, it will all be worth it. And we can’t be afraid to not call out casual racism when we see it. Casual racism can quickly become full-throated racism.

And we’ve had more than enough of that.

It’s time to be better.

Thank you for reading. I’d love to share more with you via my Bi-Weekly Word Roundup newsletter sent to subscribers every other Sunday. It will feature news, productivity tips, life hacks, and links to top stories making the rounds on the Internet. You can unsubscribe at any time!

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