The Price of Wanting: Lessons from a Failed Marriage

Everything comes at a cost. What are you willing to pay?

What do I want?

It seems an easy enough question. But life is teaching me that it is anything but easy to answer.

You see what I want isn’t as simple as stating, “I want a chocolate ice cream in a sugar cone with sprinkles.” You can say that over and over again, but in order to get what you want several things have to happen.

First, you have to have the ingredients you want. In this example, chocolate ice cream, a sugar cone, and some sprinkles. If all of those things are available, that’s great. Then it’s an easy enough need to meet. Just wander into your kitchen and there you have it.

Now if you live alone and you know that is your go-to treat, you may choose to keep those in the house so when that want shows up, there is a quick solution to address it.

It’s Never Easy

However, adding other people to the equation can make things a bit more tricky. Even if all of those ingredients came home from the grocery store, someone else may have eaten the last of the ice cream. So now, if you are going to get what you want, you need to go to the store.

That may not be a barrier at all. If you have money to use towards getting the thing you want, if you have access to the store through your available transportation, and if you have the time available, you should be able to get what want you.

Except there is no guarantee.

You see the store may be out of your chocolate ice cream. So your options become a little less clear. You can put more time into going to other stores; you can decide to compromise and select another flavor; or you can decide to leave that want unmet.

In any case, there is a price to be paid for what started out as a simple want.

It’s Complicated

What do I want?

There is a complexity in that question — a step to consider that we often wish to skip.

It is not the “wanting” that is the challenge. It is likely that we could all make pretty long lists of things we want. I often joke I want a maid, a masseuse, and a million bucks. In truth, all those things could be available to me if I were willing to pay the price it takes to have them.

In relationships, however, there is another layer in all of this. The things that are wanted are likely to intersect with the wants of someone else.

It can be in the big things like whether we are an active couple who travels and explores or we like to stay in and snuggle with the TV. And it’s the little things like what’s for dinner.

It’s at the knots of those intersections that relationships live and die.

Every knot comes with a choice. Do our wants outweigh those of our partner? Is it worth the fight to have what we want if we disagree? Does the value of our want outweigh those of our partner?

Lost and Found

In my now-doomed marriage, I reached a point where I had no idea what I wanted. After decades of having my wants denied and rejected, it no longer was worth the fight.

What good did it do to want anything? It was not likely going to go my way without a fight. At some point, I was just weary of fighting battles I stood no chance of winning. It just became easier to bury my wants — easier to just bury me.

One day though, I realized that I was no longer me. I realized that the life I had was not the life I wanted and the marriage was not an equal partnership. I realized that in a loving relationship, every path did not have to be one I did not choose.

I started asking for what I wanted. I started seeking solutions that did not include my soon-to-be ex. My hope had been that if my wants were met elsewhere that I could be a better partner to him.

Then something happened.

As I sought solutions to meet my wants, I found that they weren’t actually over the top. I learned that I wasn’t selfish because I had desires. I discovered that true partnership has compromise so one party isn’t always on the outside. I have realized that love can be the dance between the wants of two people where both are appreciated and no one is denied.

The Real Cost

The question then becomes, what price am I willing to pay to have the life I want? And what price will others pay?

I may be divorcing my soon-to-be ex, but I don’t hate him. In fact, I still love him and expect that I always will. I am just unwilling to sacrifice my whole life for him any longer. The price to stay is simply too high. There is a life out there to live. There is love to be had.

My soon-to-be ex also has a role in this. The cost for him to do the work to make this marriage work was a price he was not willing to pay. His expectation is that I do the work and he reaps the benefit. The idea that our marriage is bankrupt is actually true. Neither of us has anything left to pay into it to make it work.

The unwinding of this marriage will come at a cost. Hearts have been broken. The grief is real. There is the financial cost of the divorce and establishing a second household. Our beautiful daughter has to learn new a new normal. There will be lost friends. There are still things yet to be solved like where my kittens will live when this is all done.

These are all costs that I am willing to pay. I know that the life ahead is not perfect, but the one that currently binds me is no longer tolerable. At this point, staying comes with a price I am not willing to pay any longer.

When it comes to relationships, wanting is really just one part of the equation. The real work comes in figuring out what you are willing to do to have those wants met. And what price you are willing to pay to make it so?

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