Reality vs. Potential: Lessons from a Failed Marriage

Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

2041

Abstract

"5335">The hard lesson that I have had to learn is that even though I can see the potential in people, they get to choose whether or not they rise to that potential. I can provide support and encouragement, but every person has the autonomy to direct their own life.</p><p id="e31d">Part of what makes divorcing the man I have shared more than half my life with so difficult is that in spite of all the hard places, I still believe that he has the potential to be a great guy. He can be kind, loving, and thoughtful. He has the capacity for thoughtfulness and being considerate of others.</p><p id="e393">Yet, the truth is even though he has the capacity for those things, he has not chosen to use that capacity on my behalf or in our marriage for more years than I care to acknowledge.</p><h2 id="4ede">Reality Check</h2><p id="8ec5">Perhaps my view of my soon-to-be ex has denied him my acceptance as he is today. That’s my poison and I will have to sort through the consequences of that in my own continued work to be loving in all things.</p><p id="06fc">The hard lesson is I am no longer willing to live with the potential that I see in this man. My desire is to have a healthy relationship. Relationships only exist at the moment with the person in front of you, not the person they could become should they choose.</p><p id="8610">I suppose this would explain why I don’t hate him or wish for any lack of good things in his life. Because deep down, I am convinced he has the ability to be all the good things I see in him. I am just not waiting around for him to figure it out any longer.</p><div id="a85b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-end-of-a-marriage-3d4e3ac5f162"> <div> <div> <h2>The End of a Marriage</h2> <div><h3>In the final gasp of the decades-long journey, I finally understood that I didn’t measure up. Turns out, neither did…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div>

Options

        <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*iSAc58jCKJRT-U4M)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><div id="8cbc" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/denied-joy-lessons-from-a-failed-marriage-665b49b85c67">
        <div>
          <div>
            <h2>Denied Joy: Lessons from a Failed Marriage</h2>
            <div><h3>Could our relationship have been saved by a flowering bush?</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
          </div>
          <div>
            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*9MbLSLkj_cLLgWrM)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><div id="90cf" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/choices-have-power-lessons-from-a-failed-marriage-d72ec7257600">
        <div>
          <div>
            <h2>Choices Have Power: Lessons from a Failed Marriage</h2>
            <div><h3>It would be so much easier to just call him a villain, but there is plenty of blame to go around after three decades.</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
          </div>
          <div>
            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Bb7qKJgfkYFHS03w)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><p id="060d"><a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/"><i>Read more about Maggie and her journey.</i></a></p><p id="7def"><i>Want more from Maggie Q. Collins? <a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/subscribe"></a></i><a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/subscribe">Subscribe to her email list</a>.</p><p id="415d">Today is your day to j<a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/membership">oin Medium</a>! Your membership fee directly supports Maggie Q. Collins and other writers so you keep getting great content.</p></article></body>

No matter what possibilities you see, you have to live with what you have today.

One of my great gifts is the ability to see the potential in people. The gifts, strengths, and opportunities for growth in others call to me. And my superpower often seems to be in helping them see it within themselves.

This gift has served me well in my professional journey as a teacher and coach. Few things bring me joy like watching someone see the greatest inside of themselves for the first time. That aha moment has helped fuel me through years of struggle in my professional life. Seeing someone discover and rise into their purpose is like nothing else.

When I met my soon-to-be ex-husband, I was actually dating his college roommate. We became friends while that other relationship went through volatile seasons of explosion and reconnection until it finally died under its own weight. Over time, our friendship deepened.

He was one of the first people in my world who seemed to accept me for who I was rather than who he wanted me to be. He enjoyed my positive energy and desire to make the world a better place. I appreciated his calm and steady presence in my life. After some time, we decided to build a life together.

Time Changes Things

Over time, these differences between us were no longer advantages. My desire to grow became perceived as discontentment. His calm became stagnation in my view. That’s how the very things that had drawn us together became the wedge that eventually severed us.

The hard lesson that I have had to learn is that even though I can see the potential in people, they get to choose whether or not they rise to that potential. I can provide support and encouragement, but every person has the autonomy to direct their own life.

Part of what makes divorcing the man I have shared more than half my life with so difficult is that in spite of all the hard places, I still believe that he has the potential to be a great guy. He can be kind, loving, and thoughtful. He has the capacity for thoughtfulness and being considerate of others.

Yet, the truth is even though he has the capacity for those things, he has not chosen to use that capacity on my behalf or in our marriage for more years than I care to acknowledge.

Reality Check

Perhaps my view of my soon-to-be ex has denied him my acceptance as he is today. That’s my poison and I will have to sort through the consequences of that in my own continued work to be loving in all things.

The hard lesson is I am no longer willing to live with the potential that I see in this man. My desire is to have a healthy relationship. Relationships only exist at the moment with the person in front of you, not the person they could become should they choose.

I suppose this would explain why I don’t hate him or wish for any lack of good things in his life. Because deep down, I am convinced he has the ability to be all the good things I see in him. I am just not waiting around for him to figure it out any longer.

Today is your day to join Medium! Your membership fee directly supports Maggie Q. Collins and other writers so you keep getting great content.