The Power of Saying: Fuck You!
When kindness and empathy only make you a victim
I was supposed to have a relaxing Sunday with my daughters. We are in lockdown and it was raining buckets outside. All I wanted is to cuddle up with them and watch a movie. Then I made a mistake. I decided to plan my work ahead of next week. It’s something I do frequently. If I get a picture of the week ahead and plan out my tasks when nobody is distracting me, I generally have a more relaxing start to the week.
Today, it didn’t have that effect. Why oh why did I open the employee feedback survey, I knew what I would find. And yet, it still hit me like a brick thrown from a bridge when you are driving at 70mph on the motorway while singing away to your favourite tunes. I am shaking, I am sweating, I am angry and I am hurt. I want to cry. I want to quit. Then I cannot resist the urge to be proactive, instead of watching Paddington for the 100th time, I spend the next hour crafting an email, trying to resolve a problem that I know is not in my power to resolve.
The email is layered with kindness, self-reflection, apologies. I leave it in the drafts folder until Monday. And when Monday comes, I decide what I should have decided a lot sooner. The nasty comment I had read is not a reflection on myself. It was made by 1 employee out of 100. And 99 are kind and polite. The only two words that this one person should hear are those: “Fuck you!”
Please, Thank you, Fuck you!
We learn about the power of saying please and thank pretty much from the moment we learn to talk. These are the “magic words” that get us anything we want. Swear words on the other hand will cost us. This is how I have been raised and how I raise my children. It’s probably true for most of us, and of course, there is nothing wrong with that.
It’s just that we carry this simplistic evaluation of the effect that words have into adulthood. We believe that if we continue being polite and kind to others, life will keep handing us candies. And while that works in many situations, it can also make us lose track of our own boundaries.
Personally, I hate conflict. I am a little bit of a people pleaser and I would go out my way to make sure everyone thinks highly of me. I can’t stand it if someone is angry with me and I always try to resolve it. I used to bend over backwards to “make up” with everyone who doesn’t like me.
It took me 33 years to realise that some people are not worth it. Period. In fact, some people probably deserve a lot more “fuck you’s” than please and thank you’s.
They said it first
The thing is, if someone screws you over, in whatever way that is, they already said it.
According to the dictionary, “fuck you” is used to express anger, defiance, or contempt.
For me, it’s all 3 of those emotions. But it also means I don’t care about you. It means I am not putting up with your behaviour.
And if it means all these things to the offended person, then they have probably said it a long time ago.
Like my abusive ex for example. He might have said “I love you” to my face but behind my back, it was always “fuck you”. All his actions, the serial-cheating, the emotional abuse, the money he took from me, were all actions out of anger, defiance and contempt.
If I ever see him again, I would be happy to say it to his face. And that doesn’t mean that I am dropping down to the same level as his behaviour. It means that I am finally standing up for myself.
Own your fuck you’s
Fuck you’s are empowering if you put your mind to it. To me, it means setting boundaries and standing up for myself. There are quite a few people in the community of abuse survivors who think the best way to heal is to detach yourself and not care.
But it is very difficult not to care about someone who you deeply loved. And in my opinion, if we all just walk away, abusers will continue to get away with their behaviour.
So I “say it” to him every day.
Fuck you abusive ex, I am getting my money back, I am telling my story, I am sharing your abusive messages, I am getting a better job, I am living my life, it’s much better without you. I don’t need you, I can do much better.
And since I have discovered the power of saying fuck you, I use it more widely. Fuck you landlord who refuses to give me my deposit back. Fuck you company that is biased against women. And fuck you, dear colleague who made it their goal to tear me down.
Give your fucks to those who deserve it
Sometimes saying “fuck you” also just means, I don’t give a shit what you think about me. I am done being kind and polite. These are my boundaries, this is what I know I deserve and if you can’t respect this or appreciate it, then I don’t need you in my life.
And when you choose who these people are, you have more time and energy for the things you love and the people who deserve it.
If you need help deciding when to give a fuck and when to harness the power of saying fuck you, I recommend reading: The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck.
Say it out loud
There has been a lot of research around swearing recently and science now says that swearing is actually healthy.
Obviously, I wouldn’t recommend swearing at your colleagues at work. But when alone, shout it, say it, sing it.
Here are some great “fuck you songs” to sing along to:
